/lit/ - Literature

Books for this feel?

i want to stop living like this but I keep getting in these maddening mental loops of attempting to consciously arrive at the psychological base of my decisions, failing to discern what "lies beneath the surface of the ocean", so to speak, to find this core "first mover", becoming infuriated at having to consciously live on the flotsam and so forth which rises to the surface of this "ocean", and again maddeningly questioning and trying to ascertain my "free agency" in this process, which I of course immediately recognize is a problem of extraordinary complexity well outside the limitations of my intelligence, and upon hitting this wall I pound against it and scream and lash myself to no end and go into a state of spiteful paralysis for days. It's been going on like this for 4 years now. What do I do? Any books for this?