/lit/ - Literature

i was a neet afraid of struggle for 10 years and it quickly became hell. when i finally started working it was incredible how much the suffering "added colour" back into my life so to speak, and made me appreciate everything i had and most importantly allowed me to feel satisfaction and contentedness at the end of the day for the first time in years instead of continuously "searching" for something more and finding myself depressed and bored with every luxury and stimulation at hand

i threw away 10 years of my life 99% being a NEET, a truly pathetic creature, and all i have to show for it are a body and a mind thoroughly broken by my lifestyle. now after 10 years my family and my life is suddenly completely collapsing and im not in any way prepared to deal with it. i work like 4 measly hours in a day and my back and legs are screaming out in pain, and its suddenly becoming apparent that i cannot in any way sustain myself unless that changes and the possibility of becoming homeless and dying in the harsh winter or of starvation, or killing myself, is becoming very real. im making at best $1000 a month, which is obviously not remotely good enough, it feels like im pushing myself to the limit and fucking myself up royally because of how fucked my body is from sitting around for 10 years drinking and smoking and overeating. it also feels like all my passion and love and idealism has been stolen away from me, not only because of the dire circumstances but how my family, something ive come to value so so deeply, and my reality have been shattered and ive lost an innocence i didn't know i had and took for granted. i feel sick to my stomach. i wand to curl up in a ball and cry whole someone holds me

nothing so grandiose, i just imagine myself meeting people at a party and talking about my love of books and other things I care about because i haven't been to any sort of social gathering in like two years

>11pm
>Nah i should stop reading/shouldn't start reading, its late
>end up staying up till 3am browsing 4chan anyway