/lit/ - Literature

I want to be left alone, and a lot of humans seemingly need to stop existing to facilitate that to my satisfaction.

Until like a week ago I thought it was completely normal to have a constant, deafening and near uncontrollable internal monologue going on in your head. At times, it will cling to a topic and talk about it until I am genuinely mentally fatigued. It's like being stuck in an exhaustingly boring conversation with yourself. Every time it gets stuck on a single topic, which happens unfortunately often, it will drag every single other thought I have back kicking and screaming. I've been stuck on libertarian political philosophy for nearly a year now and I have since lost the ability to enjoy most forms of media or have a casual conversation. Without any effort whatsoever my brain will begin dictating to me how the movie I'm watching or song I'm listening to relates to politics and ruin the experience. It's nearly impossible for me to discuss anything without somehow relating it back, much to the annoyance of everyone around me.

There have been times when I've just been standing alone in a room actively trying to think about anything else and failing, feeling my brain literally heat up from the inside, just grabbing my head and shouting at myself to just shut up and let me enjoy just a moment of internal silence. Now, just a short while ago, I learned some people have no internal monologue whatsoever. Nothing but silence.

What is that like? While what I have going on in my head is bordering on tortuous, it's how I organize complex thoughts and come up with new ideas. How do people living in silence manage that? Do they at all? While I hate what my brain does to me, I do appreciate how thorough of an understanding I get from it's obsession.

I like to argue with people, it's pretty much the only way to vent off some of the excess pressure in my psyche. But if their thought process is fundamentally, from the ground up, different from mine, then what's the point? What do you do when a large amount of people have brains built in such a way that they are INCAPABLE of understanding what you're trying to express? What are you supposed to do when someone is standing in the way of some goal you have, and there are no words in any language to properly transfer thoughts from your head to theirs? If you take software from a Windows PC and try to run it on a Mac, you're shit out of luck, aren't you?

I feel like the only way I'll relieve this feeling is to reform the world I live in into one without the logical failures my brain constantly draws my attention towards, and I'm running out of reasons not to just murder those who would oppose it. Illogical things register in my brain the same way a rock in my shoe does, and I view the legal and social systems I live in as illogically structured. How long would you have to walk around with a rock in your shoe before you were willing to kill people to get rid of it? I feel like I'm getting close.