/lit/ - Literature

Gonna crit some more, mind is a pussy and won't write.
>>15739416
>There were several mirrors on the walls, as much to look at one's self wearing a piece of the jewelry on display as to give the cramped, basement shop a sense of being larger than it was.
If you're just trying to say that the mirrors make the basement seem bigger and more impressive, then there is probably a way to make this more concise. Could just be me, but I tripped over the sentence. The sentence immediately after was great.
What you made feels comfy to me, it's a pleasant opening. Your dialogue is very natural sounding and I never questioned it or laughed at it in my head, didn't feel fabricated. I felt as if I did hear their voices, your descriptions of them was enough to give me things to go on when they started talking.
I'd read more of it.
>>15735754
A bit wordy, yeah. However, I think that's something a reader would get used to and end up enjoying if just led in through shallower waters. If you want to write like this, it can be done and there is an audience who likes it. But, leading in from a less complex tone to what you have currently from the get-go might help you out. I think you got a good vision, I think the thing you have has some potential, but it may not be for as many people as other writing.
>>15739230
I think the best compliment/critique I can give is that, being someone that hasn't into-ed Joyce properly yet, I'm intimidated, too intimidated to try and crit it on the level it should be. So you are at least up there, whether you're a mimic or not is up to those who know Joyce better than I do, and I hope they get to this to help out.
>>15740233
It's good. However
>I'm not much of a Jew, or a Mormon for that matter, but I carry with me at all times, upon my person, present time not excluded, a marriage of sorts, of Jews and …
Holy shit man. You remind me of Machiavelli, you put ten sentences into one. If you wanna roll like that, go ahead, but making that the second sentence is going to scare away some readers. Could also be a filter.
After that, your prose goes from stark literal to distant conversation of the narrator concerning himself. I personally find it super jarring, but some may find it interesting.
Really what I would say as a baseline is, try to figure out what you want your work to say and do, pick how you want it to feel to readers. Do you not care, or are you trying to evoke something specific? Your energy might be better spent honing in on one kind of theme to your narration than bouncing all over the place, but that's just me.

I'm >>15736501 if anyone is in the mood.