/lit/ - Literature

>woke up
>drank coffee, ate food, mindlessly browsed internet, watched rest of ballad of buster Scruggs
>read Pete Buttigieg's Wikipedia page and felt sad about my life and lack of motivation
>realised how fat I feel, it's just depressing
>go outside
>went for a short walk
>currently drinking Starboocks in the car
>plan to have a small binge today and then start trying to lose weight afterwards
>currently agonising over how to make myself work hard (or at all) in my free time
>made a checklist but it felt like an oppressive spook
>set myself a reminder yesterday, for a few hours ago, to write about my life philosophy and plans for getting out of my (over 5 year long) rut
>ignored it, gave no fucks
>have set a reminder for tomorrow

I remember one summer day in London, as I was drinking coffee in a busy place, feeling really sad. It was some sort of milestone I had noticed (X hundred days since something, like graduation or a job or something), and I thought about how I would start getting motivation tomorrow.

I remember also going to some sort of first day induction at a really cucky post-university retailcuck job and how I walked home in the dark afterwards, telling myself I'd use my free time to do productive stuff. Of course, I barely did very little since (less than ever in the past year). My motivation is non existent. I am blackpilled as fuck about my difficult life as an ugly beta meek charismaless male.

Life is really passing right by with no achievements to show for it.

I need to channel my bitterness in to productivity.

Being fat sucks and I really feel it now, due to daily binges and little exercise. Sugar and caffeine are all that give me pleasure. I'm so bitter about being a nofriends loser through university while others enjoy themselves and have easy lives and success guaranteed because they're normies.

I'm procrastinating reading because I'm going through a long, boring, pseudy book.

How do I motivate myself without being spooked?

>tfw I'm a 28 year old ugly beta meek charismaless nofriends loser with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, and I've never been to a pub, club, or party, even through university
>tfw barely go to the gym anymore, since start of 2019
>tfw binge almost every day (up from most days, and up from everybody day, since 2015)
>tfw drink so much coffee, my sleep is ruined and my strength at gym is impaired
>became the ugly loser nobody talks to within one day of all my jobs
>tfw 265 lbs, BMI over 34
>lack the motivation to do anything productive in my free time (learn programming, learn maths)
>bank account got raped by binges
>have a good graduate job in London I'll start soon but I'm not a posh normie so I'll find progression hard
>hated my degree at university

I'm so incapable of feeling any inspiration or motivation, it's unreal.

>woke up
>browse internet, drink coffee
>almost went jogging but decided not to
>went for a walk and listened to podcasts
>now drinking Starboocks
>weather is sunny and near cloudless but the day feels extremely dull (Saturday is the day of the normie)
>haven't eaten anything today (told myself I'd not eat until tomorrow to make up for the binges but now I want to binge; my commitment to eat nothing today was a mere oppressive spook)
>plan to waste some time, then binge, then go home, then go to the gym at night

A McDonalds binge is good for a Saturday.

I have barely read anything recently despite having so much free time. Binging while being plugged in to the internet and current events is so much easier. I don't enjoy any books anymore as well. They all feel like work because there is always pseud cred to be harvested.

I feel so jealous and inferior when I see a scientist or businessman who doesn't care about politics or is clearly ignorant. If only I had such all consuming productive interests.
I have wasted all 67 full days of 2019 yet I can't bear to commit to any plan to leave my rut because I see all spooks as oppressive. I'm lacking in motivation. I see university students having a happy time and I hope my bitterness at having been an ugly friendless loser, both now and at university, could be channelled in to productive activity. With every activity, I feel cucked if I do, and cucked if I don't, and cucked however I do anything.

And in the brutal practical real world, I'm an ugly, meek, charismaless, uninteresting loser. A slave to habit.

I can't even give up coffee for a few weeks to benefit my sleep and feel stronger at the gym. I have an overthinker's self doubt but a savage's ability to defer gratification and plan.

I can't imagine myself doing anything productive in my free time. There is a complete mental gap where that function should be.

I am tormented by all the possibilities of life.

I hate having any spooks even though I end up being a slave to habit. All beliefs feel like an attack.

I am currently agonising over whether or not I can give up junk food or coffee without being existentially cucked. On the one hand, I am redpilled about Stirner, so I know I am the guy who creates my own spooks. On the other hand, having any spooks at all makes me feel cucked and like I'm limiting myself. On the other hand, I am under constant attacks from other spooks. On the other hand, if I have any spook other than "Do what I want at the time", it's like admitting I'm a pathetic cuck who needs a master (e.g., a rule such as "No junk food"). On the other hand, I would create those rules and could change them at any time. On the other hand, people can choose to be cucks, and their ability to stop at any moment doesn't stop them being cucks.

And the very fact that I think of myself in probabilistic terms is fucking humiliating. I feel guilty for not figuring out a life philosophy that would let me know what to do at all times, while maximising happiness, wealth, success etc. I know that's stupid and, like the underground man, even if I knew this philosophy I would disobey it to feel free. I also feel (mostly) sure that dismissing this problem will lead to me being lazy and going back to being a slave to habit.

>woke up at 9 am
>browsed internet and had junk food
>got email confirming my offer of a good job that'll start later this year
>went outside to walk around and feel sad
>walked around a park while having two short phone interviews for retailcuck jobs
>feel bad about potentially losing free time
>have Starboocks coffee
>realise there was no real point to the day
>go to supermarket to buy some more junk food and eat it at home
>decide not to go to gym
>waste more time on internet
>now lying in bed at 12:20 am

I feel like there is a pall over me. I am thinking of myself working in my job later this year as a member of the rat race. It's so depressing. And other people get promoted quicker due to being normies, they live with their normie friends in house shares so they pay less rent (or they have their own London houses), they have friends at work while I am the left out autist, and on and on. Why even bother?

I can imagine myself giving up junk food and hopefully I will do that now. But I can't imagine myself doing any productive things in my free time. I am trying to twist my brain in to getting an epiphany but it's not happening. My motivation is dead.

I went to London recently and saw so many Staceys it was depressing. I had a burger king meal when I was there. I got offended by all the people in the crowded streets and underground because they were showing off that they had somewhere important to go. I went to my favourite library but left quickly because of all the people. I remember the summer late afternoons I'd spend there when I barely turned up to my miraculous zero work job and when it was blazingly hot and I'd read by the window while young people hanging around outside lived out their future memories. Then I'd have an 8 pm Starboocks.

I'm such a zero emotion charismaless beta nofriends meek loser ugly autist.

I looked up previous coworkers and people I had vaguely met before on LinkedIn and felt offended about any change in their circumstances.

I am currently thinking about how to make sure I start being hard working in my free time. For the whole of 2014 to 2018, 5 whole years, I wasted 95+% of my free time (on either internet browsing, walking around outside while feeling sad about life, or low level chores used to procrastinate), felt hugely demoralised, and binged on junk food and coffee. This has continued in 2019.

I still got jobs and passed university in that time and will start a good job later this year but my life motivation has been nuked. I'm a 28 year old ugly nofriends meek charismaless beta autist with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, and I've never been to a pub, club or party.

I tell myself I'll start my real life soon (on Monday) but my missing life motivation is a mystery to me. I should be one of those people who learn maths or programming in their free time or has productive hobbies but I just don't. I read and go to the gym but those are not productive.

I can't stand all self help or philosophical bullshit even though I am a slave to habit. I know that Chad and all women get everything handed to them while I have life on extreme hard mode. I failed over 40 job interviews due to being an ugly non-posh sperg. This makes me pessimistic about my chances of promotion.

My youth is gone. 22 year olds are making millions in silicon valley or £70k/year in banking. I never travelled anywhere abroad since school or gone to music festivals. More importantly I couldn't enjoy a holiday anyway.

I had a job in London that looked good on a CV, lasted over a year, and required almost zero work or time at the office and I still couldn't enjoy myself or feel happy. It feels surreal to think that is true. If you told the average 27 year old if they wanted a year living alone in London with a no-work job, they'd think they won the lottery or use the time to become rich like Zuckerberg. I will go back there but will work 9-5, which will feel horrific.

>woke up at 11 am, too late to watch tennis
>browse internet and drink coffee
>go jogging, which feels good afterwards
>go outside to feel sad about life
>go to McDonalds and have a large meal plus another burger
>buy some junk food and go home
>spend evening binging on junk food and mindlessly browsing the internet

My life is like empty calories. I don't have the motivation to do anything productive in my free time.

I read about Beverly Hills High School on Wikipedia and the people who go there or to UCLA must live such idyllic, action packed lives, just like early 00s and 90s movies portrayed.

I'm 28. My youth is gone. My motivation has been truly eviscerated for years.

Welp, it happened AGAIN. Rejected from ANOTHER graduate assessment centre. I went to London for it and now my trip will be a memory tainted by failure.

It was the usual routine. Turn up in London. Meet other candidates who are all normie clones. Go through boring interviews or group tasks or presentation tasks where they ask easy as fuck questions that are being judged in some really arbitrary way and which are used solely to filter out beta autists like myself, with interviewers who are older clones of the other candidates. Maybe an analytical task which is easy as fuck. Go home. Get the email a week later saying I failed.

I have failed so many graduate job interviews, it's ridiculous. I passed one recently, which means I'll start a good job later this year but this recent job would've started in March. I'm 28. I'm too old to be only starting a career now when many 21 year olds make £80k in banking. I have practically failed already. And even when I start, I'm not posh, I'm not extroverted, I'm not one of da ladz, so I'll struggle to progress. My only hope is to take my job interview lying up another level, which I stupidly didn't do in my recent interview.

And even when I move to London, I'll pay a laughably high percentage of my salary on rent, which won't change until I get promoted, but I am incapable of convincing committees of normies that I am employable.

Another day completely wasted. How the fuck do I get the motivation to do anything with my life in my free time? People who can work hard on stuff under their own initiative are aliens to me. Tonight I'm also suffering the feels of a beta who has had no social life in my 20s when everyone else is living it up and travelling around the world.

I'm a 28 year old ugly beta meek charismaless loser with no friends or social experiences since school, no female attention ever, and I've never been to a pub, club, or party, despite going through university.

I will start a respectabe and kind of prestigious job in London later in 2019, though it's not high paid. I have failed over 50 graduate job interviews over the years, due to ugliness, autism, etc.

For the past 5 full years my everythingstential crisis has intensified so much. I waste all my free time on the internet instead of learning programming, maths, and other stuff. I binge on junk food and coffee almost every day.

>tfw cloudy day in London
>tfw just another day as an ugly loser beta autist

I'm not sure what to do. The day is already wasted. It's too late to mope in the British Museum for a long time.

Being a societal reject is really sinking in. I was reading an article about Varoufakis in the guardian and it casually dropped in some sentence about him seeing an art exhibit, meeting the artist, then marrying her. Then there was an article about two 23 year olds on a date when I'm 26 and have no hope of that happening. And then an article about people in high status jobs retiring, and I realised they only got there due to being uber normies and that could never be me.

I'm not sure if I feel sadness about my ugly patheticness and the easiness of everyone else's life anymore, just an inability to look away.

Background:
>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

>live on my own in London in small flat, working in boring, extremely low effort public sector job which is 9-5 but I spend almost no time working or in the office
>will get my monthly paycheque in 2 days
>currently have nothing in bank
>have more than enough food and no need to spend money but feel bad anyway
>don't have good enough looks or social skills to pass job interviews for better jobs - will probably never work in high finance or a high status job or get promotions easily
>huge amounts of normies dumber than me will have lives on easy mode
>I'm an ugly nofriends loser who hasn't had social experiences for years

Why even bother? I can see why other betas go NEET. I have a job and degree and always did well in education yet I am spiritually running on fumes.

I simply don't have the motivation to drastically improve myself when it's like polishing a shit, in social terms. I learn stuff in my spare time and exercise but it's perfunctory now.

Background:
>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

In one of the lonely Londoner topics someone mentioned the Barbican centre being comfy. I looked it up and it's some sort of centre open until late with a cinema, arts stuff, and library. I decided to go there, on my Sunday with nothing to do.

>get off at Barbican station
>in central London but it's deserted and dark
>take a wrong turn and see a fucking run down concrete housing estate with no lights on the central concrete but people living there
>shops all closed
>walk through a tunnel to get to Barbican centre, see "Corporation of London" signs and run down painted walls, like I'm in a Refn movie
>there are even doors to buildings and warehouses open with no one around
>walk out of tunnel and in to Barbican centre
>it is mostly coloured red and is filed with normies
>ground floor and basement is a mix of cafes, restaurants, half built stuff, and people sitting around, like they're waiting for things to be built
>go to library on second floor
>library is closed right now
>walk around on same floor, which is deserted, and walk in to some brutalist outdoor walkway
>look down on centre entrance and see many people walking in, as if my life is some sort of kino (loneliness when walking in, background extras for the cinematography on the walkway)
>walk back in to centre and go to third floor to see an art gallery
>realise the floor has not much, immediately leave centre, seeing other beta looking males (but not as ugly as me and more normie looking) with their bookish 6/10 gfs
>walk out of Barbican centre and back through tunnel, which is now filled with many people walking towards the centre, the opposite direction to me, signifying to the audience the autist loser's fundamental disconnect with humanity

It was not comfy.

>tfw cloudy day in London
>tfw just another day as an ugly loser beta autist

I'm not sure what to do. The day is already wasted. It's too late to mope in the British Museum for a long time.

Being a societal reject is really sinking in. I was reading an article about Varoufakis in the guardian and it casually dropped in some sentence about him seeing an art exhibit, meeting the artist, then marrying her. Then there was an article about two 23 year olds on a date when I'm 26 and have no hope of that happening. And then an article about people in high status jobs retiring, and I realised they only got there due to being uber normies and that could never be me.

I'm not sure if I feel sadness about my ugly patheticness and the easiness of everyone else's life anymore, just an inability to look away.

Background:
>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

tl;Dr: WTF do?

Guys, I'm so tired of life. I see how empty it is. I see that all philosophies rest on arbitrarily chosen axioms. I see the changing fashions of pseudointellectuals demanding conformity through praise of Atheism or Christianity or classic books or whatever academia or corporations demand.

I am fully blackpilled about my ugliness disadvantaging me to an incredible degree. I see everyone, even leftists, angrily denying this because ugly beta males are the disposable batteries of society.

My current full time job requires almost no work but if I had to work from 9-5 my life would be practically over. The few weeks I actually stayed from 9-5 in the office were soul crushing and terrifying.

My main hobbies are browsing the internet, walking around central london, drinking coffee, hoping my 20s will spontaneously stop feeling wasted. Of course all that happens is that I feel crushed after seeing Chads and Staceys everywhere. Junk food is currently my main solace.

All sources of pleasure are hierarchies that require more work than my job. Read books? Read these boring classic books. Want to program? Go through these long, theoretical boring books.

I am bitter about everyone having easier lives: normies gliding through institutions filled with normies, judged solely on normieness.

Background:
>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

My Sunday is pretty awful and aimless

>wake up and browse internet for almost 2 hours
>read part of Aristotle's Politics not because I really care but for the pseudointellectual cred
>go to the gym and even though my back no longer hurts I'm weak due to coffee and junk food ruining sleep so I cut the workout short
>had coffee
>decide to recreate my walk on that hot and sunny day in August when I went through the Notting Hill Carnival and saw the normies having fun I could never be part of
>walked through Portobello road to relive my painful memory and put it to rest and got some new pain and now have no idea what to do

Background:
>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

My Saturday was banal and boring even by my standards.

>wake up and finish the book Skippy Dies
>exercise
>go to central London and drink coffee while browsing 4chan on my phone
>go to the British museum and find it boring and demoralising due to all the Chad and Stacey couples
>go to a place in zone 2, walk for 10 minutes while realising it's a dump
>on the way back home, to eat, browse the internet, apply to jobs that pay better but give me less free time and feel guilty because I have so little initiative I can't put that free time to good use, maybe start reading another book like a consumerwhore cuck, and try not to think of Chads and Staceys enjoying the Saturday night hedonistically as I sit inside my flat alone as a nofriends fucking loser who wasted his time at university and is wasting his 20s

Background:
>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

I was walking to work and heard some woman say to the woman she was with that I was ugly.

Welp.

>cloudy day in London
>currently drinking Starboocks coffee at eets pyoorest in Kings cross station, near the platform 9 3/4 exhibit
>never even read harry potter, just mention it to trigger lit further

I think my ugliness and hopeless destiny as an ugly autist beta loser loner nofriends outcast has embedded itself deeply and in a stable way in my psych.

Background:
>aged 26
>no friends or social life since 18
>no female attention ever
>went through university with zero social experiences
>became the loner nobody talks to within two days of my current job
>never been to pub, club, or party
>missed out on all the 16 - 22 formative social experiences that people look back on fondly (teen crushes, school prom, school dances, university fresher's week, any sort of relationships at all)
>know that women all have 5000 tinder matches and think the average male is ugly; seeing attractive women everywhere is demoralising
>feel completely bitter and detached from others due to being an ugly subhuman; lifting weights did nothing

I had a job interview right now for a graduate trading position. Same old competency question bullshit, same old posh HR roastie.

WHAT FUCKING OPTIONS ARE THERE IN THE UK OTHER THAN BEING NORMIE ENOUGH TO GET IN TO FINANCE OR MANAGEMENT CONSULTING????

Everything is hopeless when I'm not enough of a normie to pass interviews