/lit/ - Literature

>>10079988
Wrong use of a hypen right away, between "below" and "it".

Definition for Hyphen:
the sign -, used to join words to indicate that they have a combined meaning or that they are linked in the grammar of a sentence (as in a pick-me-up, rock-forming minerals ), to indicate the division of a word at the end of a line, or to indicate a missing element (as in short- and long-term ).

Also some of the supposed "fast-paced action" in the beginning feels like describing something instead of living it. I dunno, perhaps it's the amount of words; needs shortening, thightening.

For example, instead of:
>My breathing forced to slow as I felt the warm embrace of unconsciousness approaching, I fought to get to my knees and elbows.

Try:
>My breathing slowed, the unconscious approaching. Knees and elbows like jelly to get up.
Also here's mine.
WARNING: Fantasy, trite possible.
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