/lit/ - Literature

>>11242625

Gonna finish my feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing this. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which is redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression/nihilism in thick strokes. Work on it anon, think you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breasts(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.
>>11247749
>Pale vitric corners in a bluish glow under the thick white fog

Woah sloooow down man, you're choking me and imagination without letting shit breathe, so many adjectives, over clarification that muddies anything truly pretty coming in, as much as you're trying for. 'penumbra' is a beautiful word, why are you throwing 'velvety' on it? I dunno maybe it's just me preference, but I think you can cut off a lot of fat hear and your words will have more heft. Your second sentence is a lot better so I dunno whether the contrast was intentional, if it was, it still doesn't feel right, it almost feels show-offy but it proves you have an ear for the simple when its needed. Keep working on anon, can be improved.
Posting in:
Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.

Gonna finish feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing thing. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression in thick strokes. Work on it anon, think you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breast(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.

Posting in:
Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.