/lit/ - Literature

I am at university early from break because some friends said that we'd all get together on the 27th. They stayed for the day then left. I had one of my roommates for a day after to hang out with but now I'm all alone. I think I've come to terms that there is no one for me. I am the jack of all trades master of none. No one hates me but no one cares about me either. In my 19 years on this earth, I've never come across anyone else I can really open up to. I have one person that I just push my stuff onto because I have no one and there's more of a response rather than posting on here.

I feel like I can't grow up. I try so hard to but it hurts. I drink, I smoke, all to save face towards friends hoping that with every consecutive drink or hit I will become someone I'm not. I had a girlfriend last year but never had sex with her and never did anything more than just kissing. This wasn't because she didn't want to but because I'm so afraid. My parents didn't approve of her to the point where they were going to kick me out of the house because I spent time with her. I feel like I'm just a little fucking kid. I don't want to grow up despite that being all that I try to do. I just felt that she wasn't really the one and there wasn't really a point to being with her and towards the end, she got really selfish. Like a parasite I've attached myself to a girl at university who I feel like is just being nice to me. I posted in here before and some anons said that she liked me but I don't know. Her ex asked her if we were a thing and she said no and he said that it seemed like that way and she told me that she didn't think it seemed that way and asked if I did. I told her kind of and she asked what I mean so I said I'd like to get to know you more if that's what you're asking.

She said that she'd like that too but I think she realizes that I'm too much of a fucking pussy to do anything so I'll be in this limbo forever and become an orbiter. I don't even want to have sex with anyone I just want someone to hear me, someone to listen. I want to hold someone close and have them hold me back. I picked her just because she's the only girl I have really hung out with. She seems so crude and easily talks about sexual things in public and whatnot. I guess that's fine and I'm just a fucking prude. We've talked a lot though and I'm just scared to move forward or anything even though I'm forcing myself to.
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