/lit/ - Literature

Critique thread since the other one is dead

Here's the beginning of the same story in two different drafts. Could /lit/ tell me which they prefer?

http://pastebin.com/rgy69CF8 (embed)

http://pastebin.com/xQ6eeFPh (embed)

>tfw only read about 60 pages today

It might sound like a respectable amount, but I am at home constantly since being back from University.

The problem I have is that I can't get comfortable, I have head-aches, stomach-aches, my mouth feels rough from too much electronic cigarette, I'm irritable, I'm itchy.

This all happens when I'm home-bound for any stretch of time. I need to get out, to go to a library or someplace to really get some reading done. Unfortunately, my shit-hole town only has a tiny library without much seating.