/lit/ - Literature

>>14235423
I fled from the east coast, I did not feel safe or healthy there. I needed a place to start over and heal, so I got a job as a logistics support staff for an outdoor education company in southwest Colorado. Once my body was up to snuff again for it's duties, I applied. On one of my weekends off from work, I drove out to a small local peak in the desert town of Mancos. The town sat at 7,000 feet above sea level. The peak, a small mining outcrop called Flint Rock was nothing to marvel at, sitting at 8,300 feet in elevation. I’d been told by a coworker that there was a pleasant flat and sandy spot up there near the edge, but safe enough to sleep. I thought it might be nice to decompress, and spend the night up there, so off I went.
Before I left the basecamp of my employer, I went and weighed my frame pack, a 105 + 10 liter Osprey Escalante that I was proud to still have use for, a relic of when I was younger and had gone backpacking, before I’d gotten sick. I placed 85 pounds worth of camping gear, food, camera gear, and other garbage inside of it. Most of the stuff was completely unnecessary, but I wanted to see what I was capable of. I wanted to know if I could carry what I’d trained for, what I used to have before I lost my mind and body in withdrawal.
I started while the sun was high, going slowly up the slope. The gnarls of gamble oak impeded my progress, the powdery gravel was loose, and every stride purchased was reduced by a half step in backslide. I was still weaker than I expected, the atrophy in my legs from being on bedrest was greater than I thought, and everything was burning; sun, muscles, my sense of self, all was on fire. But it wasn’t the same fire, not the same fire as benzodiazepine withdrawal The burning of withdrawal is like a million little clamps, ripping you apart from the inside. It’s a fundamental conflict, a war in every cell. This feeling I was panicking about on the arid desert slope was simply work, and I was able to tell the difference and push through it. This burning was machinery working as intended, and it was doable.