/lit/ - Literature

>>15284818

I feels as though over time I've become dumber and dumber, my memory weaker, less in touch with the world of constant flux around me, and my imagination, my capacity to not only think abstractly but to notice and take enjoyment from the environment around me has been shot to shit. I have trouble remembering specifics of my day.
Soon I will be a complete NPC, an automaton with no relation to anyone or anything outside myself and no capacity to understand my place or role within the complex, almost unintelligible events which surround and entrap me. Even just a year ago I was a different person and now I wish I could go back to that surreal hellish state. Back then I'd overthink everything sitting vegetatively in my dorm going crazy with isolation and despair, yet taking a strange pleasure in a feeling of total disconnection and in the freedom of solitude to pursue and play with any novel thought. Then I took enjoyment in my studies, in voluntarily shutting myself in a tiny library cage and reading and reading madly to stifle and punish myself, and I would look out the small window of my cage and see a beautiful campus full of beautiful people but take a perverse happiness in the thought that I was denying myself that happiness, denying all human connection, only to in the next moment to mock myself for my juvenile sense of superiority coming from an emotionally immature child. Now I care so little and am thoughtless in my daily life unable to place what is wrong. I am constantly procrastinating, distracting myself with stuff I don't even care about and I have become flat thoughtless, an unemotional husk. With each passing day any originality or character fades. All that I am is a passive recipient of an endless stream of entertainment and information that leaves nothing to be discussed, and every second is portioned away into an infinite network senselessly devouring any sense of self. I also have this overriding fear that this sudden shift in my character is due to the things I've consumed. That somehow they've caused some minute undetectable yet permanent long term change in my brain. There's nothing I loathe more than the unsettling thought that who I fundamentally am, and my cognitive capabilities, could change so suddenly outside my control.