/lit/ - Literature

>>20855939
>>20856022

First sentence should always contain the main character and his problem. Cut the masturbation scene. Open with your sysadmin writing his crush a love letter in his email drafts but he wrote a script to always delete his draft before he sends it and embarrasses himself, something like that.

Ramen detail is good, but don't use passive voice. Make the "Dear Davy" thing an email that interrupts your protagonist hovering his cursor over the SEND button of his love letter so that instead of a series of random events we have a scene with a beginning, middle, and end. Better yet, why not make it a phone call that makes him spill his cup noodles on his keyboard? Have Josh call Davy and maybe cause a fight and somebody hangs up, then cut to the elevator as a gag.

Don't actually write out the entire Kindness Raffle letter: nobody is going to read the whole thing. If it were a movie, you would just cut to the protagonist's eyes as he looks at the page. The text itself is not important. This is the call to adventure, and Davy should initially refuse, only to begrudgingly accept the offer later on. Maybe Josh is blackmailing Davy, or Josh is dating Davy's ex, something dramatic.

"Packed like sardines" is a cliché. Saying the exact velocity of the elevator is autistic. The speed does not matter: Davy matters. This paragraph is too long. The narration is too intrusive—if the story were being told in first-person, it would make sense, but having a third-person omniscient narrator sharing its own opinions about the events that are taking place is really strange. Who's talking, God?

The "acceptable haircuts" joke could be funny, but the last word of the sentence should be "acceptable." You always put the climax/punch line/action at the end. You could probably think of a better joke, pun on circumcision or something.

That's just off the top of my head. Have you seen the 1985 movie "Brazil"? Just copy that tone. Maybe rewatch "Fight Club." If your humor doesn't work, the entire thing falls apart.

I could probably un-fuck the whole thing if I were being paid to, but I would need to see your notes and backstory first. You make the common mistake of having the narrator talk more than your characters.

>>20834914
(Incidentally, if anyone wants to hire an editor, I'm available)

>>20821740
i just made 5.7% in a week and a half day trading, so good

long XLM