/lit/ - Literature

>>6866009
Can I critique this guy's critique of that other guy's critique?
because all of it is pretty bad.

I have no idea wtf you just said, asshole.

>>6861697
don't listen to >>6865975, the whole thing is quite bad. Quit trying to sound cool and just write a fucking story.

Teeg walked around the outer edge of the skywalk, his hand sliding against the smooth metal railing. He was twenty three sectors up, in the commercial district. He had just finished getting his license renewed and was now preparing to head back to his headquarters on the other side of the city.

He missed the cowboy days, before the profession of bounty hunting had become so regulated. He was one of the last to conform to the new ways, but when the federation started throwing 'rogue' bounty hunters in jail, he figured it would be beneficial to just bite the bullet and accept that times were changing. Here on earth the federation had too much control. You could try and resist, but chances are it wouldn't work out for you in the long run. On Mars things were different, or so he had heard. The same regulations were in place, technically, but there was a serious lack of federal law enforcement, meaning the cowboys were free to just continue on as they always had.

He looked over the railing of the skywalk. If you stuck your head out far enough, and looked to the side, you could look across the seemingly endless crevice between buildings that just went on and on until it disappeared into a thin ray of light. Looking up, you could see just a touch of natural daylight, peaking in between the steel behemoths that lined the earth. For the most part you would just see railings and maybe a person or two poking their heads out, same as you were currently doing.

You could look down, but you probably wouldn't want to. Most people who lived fifteen sectors or higher liked to just pretend that there wasn't a down, and who could blame them? Looking down was like looking into the deep dark caverns of hell, and if you ever were to actually go down there you would swear that's exactly what it was. Or it was at least as close to hell as your were likely to find here in the realm of mortals.

Hadn't god once punished mankind for trying to build a structure that could challenge the heavens? It was called the tower of Babel, if Teeg remembered correctly. Well, god must have lost that battle, some ten thousand years after the rebirth of his son, because that's exactly what mankind had done. They did it again and again and again, until the heavens themselves were the stomping grounds of men, and their towers raised from the earth with one elongated middle finger piercing the sky and shouting 'fuck you'.

>>6865295
Thanks for saying so, anon. :D
>>6865311
Thanks for the input. This is why I like /lit/, you guys can be dicks sometimes but it seems like this is the only place on the net where you can get decent criticism.

>>6865273
heh, I lol'd pretty fucking hard just now.

You win this round, anon

>>6865245
Thank you for pointing out the typos and misspellings. It was very helpful.

NOW FUCK OFF BITCH!

You faggots know my shit is nice.

>>6865151
SON OF A!

Forget the one fucking misspelling, it happens. You know you cant say shit else, cuz this passage is fucking FRESH!

>>6865142
Its the future, bitch
They say shit different.
...

...

ok you got me

It's still nice though! BITCH!

Teeg walked around the outer edge of the skywalk, his hand sliding against the smooth metal railing. He was twenty three sectors up, in the commercial district. He had just finished getting his license renewed and was now preparing to head back to his headquarters on the other side of the city.
He missed the cowboy days, before the profession of bounty hunting had become so regulated. He was one of the last to conform to the new ways, but when the federation started throwing 'rouge' bounty hunters in jail, he figured it would be beneficial to just bight the bullet and accept that times were changing. Here on earth the federation had too much control. You could try and resist, but chances are it wouldn't work out for you in the long run. On Mars things were different, or so he had heard. The same regulations were in place, technically, but there was a serious lack of federal law enforcement, meaning the cowboys were free to just continue on as they always had.
He looked over the railing of the skywalk. If you stuck your head out far enough, and looked to the side, you could look across the seemingly endless crevice between buildings that just went on and on until it disappeared into a thin ray of light. Looking up, you could see just a touch of natural daylight, peaking in between the steel behemoths that lined the earth. For the most part you would just see railings and maybe a person or two poking their heads out, same as you were currently doing.
You could look down, but you probably wouldn't want to. Most people who lived fifteen sectors or higher liked to just pretend that there wasn't a down, and who could blame them? Looking down was like looking into the deep dark caverns of hell, and if you ever were to actually go down there you would swear that's exactly what it was. Or it was at least as close to hell as your were likely to find here in the realm of mortals.
Hadn't god once punished mankind for trying to build a structure that could challenge the heavens? It was called the tower of Babel, if Teeg remembered correctly. Well, god must have lost that battle, some ten thousand years after the rebirth of his son, because that's exactly what mankind had done. They did it again and again and again, until the heavens themselves were the stomping grounds of men, and their towers raised from the earth with one elongated middle finger piercing the sky and shouting 'fuck you'.

>>6506968
wait...
Is that kind of stuff actually in the book?

I saw the movie, but now I thinking I need to read the book.

Aside from the masterful prose, I don't really get what all the hub bub about it is. I feel like its reputation as gotten blown up to the point no one wants to just come out and admit "It's not THAT great"

Prove me wrong /lit/

Again, I want to iterate that the prose is indeed masterful, but otherwise its a rather bland story about a bunch of guys on a ship.

>>6295888
I think you can make it work.

>>6295722
uhg, this is jarring. But, fear not, it's redeemable.
First suggestion I'm going to make will call for a massive rewrite, but I think it will be worth it.
Right now it's mostly written with a passive voice, and that's the biggest problem throughout the passage. You want to avoid that.
What do I mean by passive voice? I'll try to explain. You are using words like 'was' and 'were' a lot, I'd like to see you use 'is' and 'are' instead. Go through it again and try to rewrite each sentence to make it fit is and are and I think you will see a huge improvement in the flow of the writing. Like I said, its a pretty big change, but I think it will help. Especially for this dreamy kind of train of thought writing.

also try not to be too repetitive. That shit gets very annoying for readers.

look for unnecessary words and take them out. A couple examples...

>I heard the buzzing for most of the night, I thought
take out: I thought
>I could swear something hit my face, not just once, and when
take out: ,not just once,
also changing hit to hitting will get the point a crossed that it happened multiple times.

I liked this part.

“Your caller ID says you’re calling from Last Peak.”
“What’s Last peak?”
“You’re calling from there, you don’t…” They paused again, they seemed more confused than me. “Is everything ok there?”

This is the one part that I feel you really succeeded with the surreal dreamy type deal you have been shooting for.

oh, and for the love of god

>“Your accent sucks also,” I said. I forgot I make jokes a lot.

don't do this shit.

>>6294964
I like it,
make it happen.

>>6295476
I mean, don't get me wrong. I am miserable, mainly because I blame myself for not envisioning a more perfect world. But hate is such a strong word, and hating 'everything' is a destructive path.

and who the fuck is Buddah?

>>6295484
>>6295458
>>6295463
>>6295467
You know, its people like you...
*sigh*

First of all, have you ever heard the term 'wall of text'? Its a rhetorical question asshole, of course you have.

Also don't do shit like 'big boner'. Just 'boner' works just fine.

I didn't read the whole thing, for obvious reasons... yooooouuu fuck.

>>6295118
>Soon you'll begin to hate everything around you
If that's the way you think I got some bad news for you: You aint enlightened.

Take it from me, for I actually am enlightened.

>>6295419
THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT????!?!

get serious, bitch.

>>6295321
>Quality over quantity

Your saying a non-pleb prefers quantity over quality?

Post your shit and I'll tell you why you suck.

Got it? GO!

>>6244111
Bitch, I'm winning.

>>6244072
I imagine you lack of healthy relationships due to your condescending nature and inherent douchery, although you are not aware of these things in yourself. Therefore, you often come up with things that are wrong with those around you (not smart enough, etc) and make it their fault that you fail at being socially engaging.

I'm intellectually superior to pretty much everyone.
I'm not educated and I'm not very articulate so most people don't notice how ingenious I truly am, but thats just it: I'm a mother fucking genius/

alright bitches, have fun with this one. this is the last 3 books I read.

Feast for Crows (asoiaf book 4)
Moby Dick
Bridge of Birds