/lit/ - Literature

>>4468391
Thanks man, appreciate it. There's a story...it's part of a larger poetry chapbook/collection I finished a while ago, sort of a "concept collection" as in a concept album. I like to think of it as a novel in verse, but that gives me weird flashbacks to reading "Crank" and other assorted bullshit. Just a book of poetry, so yeah, it's a poem.

>>4468342
>Raw power

This is good, although you missed the point completely, and you're using so many fucking adjectives, it's distracting. Don't use "-like" in an essay, fag.

I'm guessing you're smart enough to write how your teacher wants you to write, and you'll probably get a low A. I'd give it a straight up C, maybe a C+.

>>4468351
Hey man, I'm as much of an amateur as you. I just go off what I'd like to read, as I suppose you do. Your genre is a little bit out of my taste (idk though, I only got a fragment from a larger story/novel it seems)---some sort of fantasy or historical drama I'm guessing? But good writing is good writing is good writing.

>>4468314
Nigga I'm in it

>>4467957
This is good. I don't like the "gleaming" in front of crowd, though. Your description of the sunlight and the "small beam" a few sentences afterward make it unnecessary. It sounds very slightly childish at times, like "It was an oppressive and stifling late summer beaming..." But that's alright. Maybe childish is the wrong adjective, just a bit more...easy reading? Your syntax is superb in some places, specifically the phrase "thick with gold".

Don't open the piece with "The man's words..." that entire sentence. The first line of dialogue is too good of an opener to let that line in there. Move it somewhere else or delete it entirely.

Overall, I like this. I'd read more. Strong work.

Dad

I’m a cliché…we all have to face it
sometime, son.
Look at Maricopa, resting her tongue
in the barren, oiled sky.
The stars dot the landscape, the house,
the dreams…I’m a sinner.

Are you a sinner? We’re all a sinner,
boy, now get back in that fuckin room
and do ya math homework…
Pops is a nice man. He drinks whisky.
He’s a strange man, though, and occasionally
his eyes crust over like a burnt pancake
in the summer sunshine, pulling weeds in the yard,
blue eyes basking in serpentine rhythms of Suburbia.

He got shot in the Gulf, Saudia Arabia, 1991.
Calls Muslims camelfuckers, no matter what/why/who
they are…like Preacher, basically a good guy.
He screamt in the dawn, and the men carted him off,

half-crazy and raving and leaking mustard gas
from the ears.

Methinks I couldn’t pull weeds and mow the lawn
and eat meatloaf and pot roast for dinner
if my brain was tucked into a tough pocket
of poison gas, and insanity.

But Who knows

.

>>4468254
I posted that, just decided to become a tripfag tho.

Not really very much time actually. How's your WPM count these days, bub?

Dad

I’m a cliché…we all have to face it
sometime, son.
Look at Maricopa, resting her tongue
in the barren, oiled sky.
The stars dot the landscape, the house,
the dreams…I’m a sinner.

Are you a sinner? We’re all a sinner,
boy, now get back in that fuckin room
and do ya math homework…
Pops is a nice man. He drinks whisky.
He’s a strange man, though, and occasionally
his eyes crust over like a burnt pancake
in the summer sunshine, pulling weeds in the yard,
blue eyes basking in serpentine rhythms of Suburbia.

He got shot in the Gulf, Saudia Arabia, 1991.
Calls Muslims camelfuckers, no matter what/why/who
they are…like Preacher, basically a good guy.
He screamt in the dawn, and the men carted him off,

half-crazy and raving and leaking mustard gas
from the ears.

Methinks I couldn’t pull weeds and mow the lawn
and eat meatloaf and pot roast for dinner
if my brain was tucked into a tough pocket
of poison gas, and insanity.

But Who knows

swag