/lit/ - Literature

>>10568563
Alright bitch, I don't have time to argue this minute bullshit with some faggot whos clearly just fucking foaming at the mouth because he realizes how fucking inferior he is me. You fucking haters ain't worth the time, so you can shut the fuck up and get out - or, conversely, you can quiet down, sit the FUCK down, and see if you can learn a thing or two.

I'm fresh as shit at this, go ahead and prove me wrong rather than desperately looking for whatever tiny ass shit you can poke at so you can feel a false sense of your pathetic self worth rising.

You fucking piece of shit. I own you, and I own this shit. Deny it all you want, you should know that by now.

BITCH!

>>10568544
Maybe I'm Australian, bitch. You ever think of that? Stupid fuck.

>>10568510
Also, another positive of the whole passage I should have pointed out is you did build the setting pretty well in a short amount of time. The issue is on the sentence level, you just need to make your language flow a little better and you'll be doing fine.

>>10568418
>thinks advice is spelled the same way everywhere in the world.
No seriously, how come all my haters are always stupid fucks? For real, let one person with half a fucking brain bring the hate on me because I have yet to see it happen.
>>10568463
I'm not reading your greentext shit, bitch.
>>10568475
Your mom
>>10568479
Narcissist? Maybe.
Boring and needs validation? Fuck no.
Playing? I never play, bitch. This shits as real as it gets.

>>10568399
I don't like being specific usually, because there is an issue of it getting rewritten the way I would write it when it should still be written the way YOU would write it (but better) if that makes sense. Just bare that in mind as you continue reading this.

One thing I /would/ do with the opening sentence is go ahead and chop it up a bit, even though you say you want to avoid that. Here are words I think you could stand to cut
>with machetes
You can slip in that machetes are being used in the next sentence alongside blades. "The blades of our machetes" or "Our Machete's blades" ... you get the idea

>Barabary
The reader doesn't need you to explain a cactus is barbary
>Behemoth proportions
Not as good as you probably think it is

Also the plural of cactus is cacti. Or is there indeed only one here?

Anyway, you don't have to cut all these things but shorting it up isn't a bad thing. You could also use more concise words rather than getting married to the longer terms you currently have.

Just for example (not saying use this exactly) but just as an example of how you /could/ be more concise.

We had spent the previous December in Arizona, chopping apart the overgrown cacti from my Grandmother's yard.

It's shorter and easier to read without /really/ losing anything from your original sentence.

Hope that helps, and you can apply the same theory to other parts of the passage.

Enough about me though.

Post some more writing, what the fuck. I'm here for a goddamn reason, you know?

>>10568346
Every good lie has a layer of truth tacked onto it, bitch.

Is there a way to see how many of those posts include the word "bitch" ??

>>10568301
Ah, thanks for the memories.

I've been gone for a long time, though. I just recently came back because I missed you bitches so much.

The coffee was good, at least.

>>10568183
For the record, I do in fact know what you were posting that for. The irony is that song applies more to your dumbass than it does to me. You think I type like this because I want you to fawn over how fucking smart I am? fuck no. I'm smart because of the quality of my ideas, so I don't need to wrap them up in some douchey presentation.

When I do rip someone apart who sucks, it also gives them a chance to just brush off what I said without it hurting their feelings, because I know some of you bitches are legit in thinking your fucked up writing is good. However, even if they brush me off without their feelings getting hurt the points I make should still get through to them.

So I'm helping without the hurt, bitch. You wouldn't get that though because you don't know how to look any deeper than 2 inches below the surface. Do you?

Plus I'm having a lot of fun. So quit hating, bitch.

>>10568183
see
>>10568119
>Then get all bitter and try to deny my skills after I tear up your pretentious bullshit.

I'm spot on, you're just one of them douchebags who completely miss the insight my posts provide.

Prove me wrong, bitch. You can't.

So which of these shit stories I tore up did you write anyway? Try not to feel too bad about it. There are lots of shitty writers out there, faggot. So you're not alone.

>>10568123
The fuck you posting this shit for? It's a nice song but stay on topic, bitch.

>>10568115
Actually, if you do mind being called a bitch then post your shit anyway. Then get all bitter and try to deny my skills after I tear up your pretentious bullshit.

>>10568088
I swear to god if you faggots had been posting shit from there to waste my time... actually, I seriously hope that's whats going on with how fucking awful the writers in this thread have been.

Don't fuck with me, though. Only post your shit if you are seriously trying to improve and don't mind being called a bitch.

Alright, any of you bitches out there want to admit how fresh I am at this critiquing shit yet?

I skimmed some of the other threads, and there aint advise half as good as mine coming from any of these other douchebag anons.

>>10567718
>Darkness and noise
no
>a sky in turmoil
no
>lightning and rain
no because you already used "darkness and noise" which was shit
>lethargically
normally this would be passable if you didn't already prove your one of those "if I add extra words it will sound good" faggots
>Mind cloudy and body aching
you use the "this and that" shit too much

Alright, do I need to go further? You get the point. You're trying to have good prose but it isn't working because you don't know what the fuck good prose is. You'll get there, though. Just keep trying.

>>10567761
>somewhere
no
>thick loud dripping noise like giant drops
read this out loud to yourself. It sounds horrendous.
>thick pieces of skin unraveling around his stomach—a gagging and sucking noise—a splatter of liquid—a release of tension—a boiling heat released in a white-hot wave—coming in a chariot of fire—
I was almost going to let you get away with this until I read "coming in a chariot of fire"
Shit.
>Logan shot awake while his fingers were clutching with white knuckles his bedsheets.
Language is inconsistent with the rest of the passage

Not the worst I have ever read on one of these stupid threads, but certainly not the best either. Can't think of much advise other than to just keep writing and allow yourself to improve naturally with experience.

Alright, listen bitches. No more shit poetry. If you're going to post some poetry it better be fucking amazing. I'm not reviewing this shit anymore.

>>10567668
MY god... something that is actually halfway decent. It's a fucking miracle.

For you bitches who are upset about getting a bad review let me explain why this is better than the bullshit you spit out.

The sentences are easy to read and concise and say more than one thing. They give me some insight to the character, the setting, and plot all at one time. Meanwhile, all you other bitches use fucking five sentences to explain that someone feels lonely.

Good work bitch, keep it up. If you'd like me to review more of your shit you also have express permission to email me a larger portion. Or post a pastebin here.

>>10567635
Why the fuck did you make me think desert with the opening line when none of this shit is about a fucking desert? How about just "People rush through like a flood" but even then it is still shit, but you get my point.

And yeah, this is just a bunch of fucking disconnected images. I have no idea what the point is except that its chaotic. There is not one single line in this shit poem, if I can even call it that, which invokes any kind of emotional response or even a halfway decent image. There is fucking NOTHING here.

>>10567576
Bitch, who the fuck is Phoebus? This is shit.

>>10567583

Be more concise with your language. I shouldn't have to try to figure out what it is you are describing. It's not being poetic, or good, its just annoying. Nobody would tell you this is good unless they are just being nice.

>>10567596
>have her actually start walking through the labyrinth and describe new things rather than just stand on the outside
To add to this. A good writer can get across her emotions without expressly stating "this is how she felt" like maybe she saw something and the way you describe that thing she saw conveys where her mind is at.

>>10567570
How the fuck is it that you bitches are so good at using so many words to say fucking nothing?

Alright, look, you are trying to be good at least so I'll give you credit for that but "this was like that" a simile does not make, bitch.
You don't have to find five different ways to get her emotions across, as the reader I'd much rather have her actually start walking through the labyrinth and describe new things rather than just stand on the outside with her for a really fucking long paragraph (again, with this shit) with nothing really happening other than the writer trying to act like he's hot shit by making all kinds of weird ass comparisons that don't even make fucking sense.

>>10567553
But you just fucking did dumbass.

>>10563923
I just feel like I'm reading a list of traits about this supposedly wretched man. Not much feeling is in it, it's boring and I'm given no reason to care. If this is from a longer piece try posting a little more next time so I have some actual fucking context.

>>10564381
No, bitch. Did you really think I was going to read this shit? Write like a normal fucking person.

>>10564715
Opening sentence is a little clunky. Read that out loud to yourself and figure out how to work on the flow.
aaaanddd, the rest of the passage has the same issue. At its best it's dry and just seems to be listing things: "this was over here, that was over there". At worst, it's clunky and the prose is jarring.
The positive however, is you managed to present what this story is going to be about with your opening, though even that part could use some work. I'm not giving this entire passage a full on "this is shit" stamp, just become more aware of voice and stuff like that and try to make this actually entertaining to read.

And what the FUCK is with you bitches on this website not believing in fucking paragraphs?