/lit/ - Literature

>>7199157
Yo.
>Light through lid, steel screams, the blurred image of a room in the early morn.
I liked this. The first line told me of your style right away—a strong style. Keep developing it.

>Fog erased the world beyond the window
pretty good

>leaving only a stark-white void
Just 'white void' would be fine here. Leave out stark. A white void is a simple image, and adding the word 'stark' only really clutters a really simple but effective image. The rest of the sentence was fine imo. Maybe get rid of the ellipses at the end of it. They feel cheap.

>He sat there for a time, lost in antemeridian stupor: forms recognized, not understood; thoughts reduced to impressions--vague, evanescent feelings that fade without consequence; his own body foreign, alien, separate: he considered his hands with fascination, contemplating the lines in his palms, tracing them with his fingers.
hey I remember you now. Saw this line in another critique thread some days back. I didn't comment then, but I did think it was pretty good. I can see you've been doing some editing. What I'd suggest now, then, is to get rid of the colons in that whole section. I feel like periods/fullstops would work better to really clean up the flow. Unless it's a stylistic choice. If so, do at your own risk.

>waves propagating across the surface while it fell, dying when it landed--still
nice

>He rose and dressed: suit, loafers, watch: what was expected
Once again, get rid of those ugly colons. But now I really get the feeling that it's a stylistic choice, so do as you will.

>>6406562
:^)

>>6405032
come on, give us the source you cunt

>>6406561
are you pretending to be me?!!!!

>>6406554
you're probs autistic or something

thats what I think

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EG70fhg0wL4&feature=youtu.be

check this out

there's something not right in their eyes. puts me on edge

where the fuck are the mods

>>5263007
what is that a dick under it's chin?

>>5209990
that pic reads like a self-induced brainwash

>>5212785
if it wasn't for the shit blurb this might have had potential

>>5212065
>>5212093
these are interesting

>>5211750
Take some time to fire those rusty old neurons into action again, and I'm sure you'll figure it out soon enough.

Sage.

>>5211444
fucking answer these people right now, you hear me? >>5211447 >>5211535 >>5211744

>>5207539
ah I see

>>5207491
>if they hate it I'm gonna an hero
you're not onna do shit with that attitude, Sonny-Jim.
>>5207494
there's gotta be some sort of payoff

>>5207471
Well don't be a cunt, then. Finish that shit.

>>5206578
>roost coal!!!!

>>5201835
dash gril

>>5202066
>a decapitated head's living midget

>>5201804
looks like you forgot the rest of the frames

>a packaging box with its contents gone but the foam cushioning remaining
>a dismantled pen-knife
>empty vial with pinkish serum leftovers
>a broken crowbar
>a dead midget's decapitated head
>moose antlers

mystery

>>4799228
>>4799238
420 you knob

I did once and it turned into the most flowery, over lurid piece of perfumed shit. On the upside, it was fun when I was writing it. Felt like I was actually there.

Let me grab at your attention by saying that I have lived a story - as far as a story or an epic can relate to an average man of my stature and real tangibility, not imagined, in this age of hasty change like a rapid river - where I went from point A, which was pitiful in light of what is considered to be a 'man' in this rapid age, to point B, which is where I am now, and I thinl to myself that if I didn't arrive at this point that I consider grandeur, I wouldn't have arrived here I think at all, ever, so affected to my darkest, deepest roots that give birth to the tapestry of complexions of thoughts of who I am of this age.