How Battler Stole Witchmas

[Astaroth No.]

Every Witch down in Witchville liked Witchmas a lot,
but Battler, who lived on Rokkenjima, did not.
Battler hated Witches - the whole Witchmas season.
Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his cross was too tight.
Or maybe his hair was, to him, too birdlike.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
may have been that his bombs were two sizes too small.

[Astaroth No.]

But whatever the reason, his bombs or his cross,
He stood there Witchmas Eve, like a boss
Staring out from the guesthouse with a sour, Battler frown
At the magically lighted windows in their town
For he knew every Witch down in Witchville would say
That magic was real, and Umineko's here to stay.

[Astaroth No.]

"And they're hanging up corpses!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Witchmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Battler fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to stop Witchmas from coming!"

[Astaroth No.]

For,
Tomorrow, he knew...
All those normal girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. The first twilight would begin!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! They'd start such a din!
That's one thing he hated! The victims started a din!

[Astaroth No.]

Then the goats, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!
FEAST!
They'd feast on Witch-Jelly, and roast witches' teats!
Which was something Battler couldn't stand in the least!

[Astaroth No.]

And THEN
They'd do something
He liked least of all!
Every Witch down in Witch-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with very small spaces.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And they'd start making troll faces!
They'd troll! And they'd troll!
AND they'd TROLL! TROLL! TROLL! TROLL!
And the more Battler thought of a witchy troll-face,
The more Battler thought, "I fucking hate that place!
"Why, for X number of months I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop this Witchmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

[Anonymous No.]

>They'd stand hand-in-hand. And they'd start making troll faces!
I love you /jp/

[Astaroth No.]

Then he got an idea.
An awful idea!
BATTLER
GOT A PERFECTO, AWFUL IDEA!

[Astaroth No.]

"I know just what to do!" Battler laughed in his throat.
And he made himself a badass sorcerer's cloak.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What an awesome disguise!
"With this sorcerer's cloak, I'll fool those guys!"

[Anonymous No.]

>>3973530

[None !NACK.rrrr. No.]

>>3973561
This was posted on /a/ yesterday

[Anonymous No.]

ruined by episode 5 spoilers

[Astaroth No.]

"All I need is a staff..."
Battler looked around.
But, since staves are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop Battler...?
No! Battler simply said,
"If I can't find a staff, I'll make one instead!"
So he found his favorite hatstand. Then he took out a knife
And he carved it with runes, his inanimate wife!

[Astaroth No.]

All their windows were purple. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Witches were dreaming about killing without care
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the "Endless Sorceror" hissed
And he climbed to the roof, rigid waifu in his fist.

[Astaroth No.]

THEN
He hopped on the train
And followed its tracks
To the village of witches
But he couldn't relax
Battler yelled, "Faster, faster!"
And the train roared to life
Screeching along the rails
Towards the destination of his strife.

[Astaroth No.]

All their windows were purple. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Witches were dreaming about killing without care
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the "Endless Sorcerer" hissed
And he climbed to the roof, rigid waifu in his fist.

[Astaroth No.]

Then he leapt to the the balcony. His legs hurt like a bitch.
But he had to do it, because he wasn't a witch.
His hatstand got stuck, for a moment or two.
He turned it forwards and then he got through
The window, and took sight of the candies and shit.
"So now that I'm here, let's get rid of it!"

[Astaroth No.]

So he pilfered those candies, and stole all the treats!
He took all their tea! He took their roast teats!
He cleaned out their household of Witchmassy stuff
And that bastard, finally, decided it was enough.
So he climbed to the balcony, but he got stuck again.
The incompetent boy wailed, "Why'd I bring my stickly friend?!"

[Astaroth No.]

So Battler took his hatstand and started to shove
When he heard a small sound that lacked a mother's love
He turned around fast, and he saw a small witch!
Maria Ushiromiya, an annoying little bitch.
Battler had been caught by a non-witch's daughter,
And as the ambient music began to play "goldenslaughterer"
She stared at Battler and said, "Uu~, Battler, why,
"Why are you ruining Witchmas? WHY?"

[Astaroth No.]

And you know, incompetent Battler, wasn't so slick
So he told her his opinion, and he did it real quick.
"Why, Maria-chan," the fake sorcerer said,
"Witches don't exist; they're all in your head
"So I'm taking all of your magic crap out of here.
"So get some counseling, and I'll eat you in ten years."
And Maria just sulked, while he patted her head,
And he found her a shrink, and sent her to bed.
And when little Maria went back to bed,
He picked up his waifu, and left via the shed.

[Astaroth No.]

Then the last thing he took
Was the witch's portrait!
But he didn't know what the hell he'd do with it.
And besides, through the opening, it wouldn't have fit.
So he left it behind
On the floor of that house
With his dirty footprints all over it, the louse!

[Astaroth No.]

Then
He did the same thing
To every other Witch house
Stealing snacks
While he carried
His carved wooden spouse.

[Astaroth No.]

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Witches, all insane,
All the Witches, all asleep,
When he hopped on his train,
With their Witchmas gifts! And treats!
Their candies! Their porcelain dolls! Their roast witches' teats!

[Astaroth No.]

Two kilometers of track! Beneath Rokken Isle,
He road with his load and a wicked Battler smile!
"Those witches are bitches!" He was Battlerishly humming.
"They'll find out now that no Witchmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then the Witches down in Witchville will scream UUUU~ UUUU~!"

[Astaroth No.]

"That's a noise," grinned Battler,
"That I simply MUST hear!"
So he stopped the train and put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming all the way back
From Witchville, and it was growing louder, and fast...

[Astaroth No.]

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it was! And it was scary!
He looked back at Witchville!
Battler popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Witch down in Witchville, the tall and the small,
Was trolling! Without any reason at all!
He HADN'T stopped Witchmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

[Astaroth No.]

And Battler, looking back at this mess,
Bellowed, "It's useless! It's all useless!
It came without candies! It came without treats!
It came without magic, LOLDEEN or teats!"
And he argued for three hours, till his arguer was sore.
Then Battler thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Witchmas," he thought, "isn't all about gore.
"Maybe Witchmas... Perhaps... Means a little bit more!"

[Astaroth No.]

And what happened then...?
Well... in Witchville they say
That Battler's small bombs
Grew nine sizes that day!
And the minute his bombs made his pants feel tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the candies! And the food and the teats!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Carved the roast...

[Astaroth No.]

"...DAD?!!"

[­Anonymous No.]

>>3973646
>small bombs
>nine
While it might be a copypasta, I love you, anon,

[Astaroth No.]

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

THE END

[Anonymous No.]

>>3973635
>it came

[Ty the Immortal !!lr/umT8hhpz No.]

I smiled

[Anonymous No.]

Pretty good, /a/.

[Anonymous No.]

Nicely done.