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2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/jp/ - Otaku Culture


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27795670 No.27795670 [Reply] [Original]

People are pissed. They're pissed, I'm pissing in a river, you're pissing from a tree parallel of me. Get fucked. I don't know what the fuck is going on or what that is, but whatev. What month is it. I can't see shit from this basement. I just wanna NEET it with Kaguya. After living on /jp/ for many years, surely there are many great stories to tell. Whether it be what you ate for lunch, how many pissbottles you have now, what happened a minute ago or just a complaint about someone in particular and his shitty images ruining your thread. Anyways, relax you amateur. I have a good story to share that's really related to this board. It's really fucking amazing dude, so sit down and please listen to me. There was this one time I went to one of worlds greatest attractions. It was a festival near Gensokyo. I don't remember the last time I saw so many creatures in one place. It was like a /jp/ meetup without the /jp/. There was an insane number of people, fairies, youkai et cetra et cetra. Long story short, I barely got in, but let me tell you this. If some odd looking girl with what feels to be super strength pulls you into a corner, don't resist. You will have the time of your life, but note I never said fun. Just like that, it became clear to me. Youkai>Human. You can't change my mind. Fairies just aren't as good since they're about as dumb as a sack of bricks, but I digress.
With all that transpired, I had never been more disappointed. The event was shit, so shit that if you were there with me, you would have taken your ass back home and cried to sleep about something other than being a lonely NEET for once. I wasn't going to end things on a bad note, so I went out wandering the same day and took a little detour, the toll road on the way to the Human Village. Now let me tell you, that was the single biggest mistake of my fucking life. I don't know what happened but I ended up somewhere odd because my senses went completely fucked. I was like oji-san for 2 minutes. Fell on me arse and saw a sign when I looked up. 'Was a bunch of shit I couldn't read. It looked like the fun house, but they hadn't put me back in me suit for the padded room. Writing all over the wall with tally marks and smeared with stains. It smelled like piss, but what I saw made no sense. The sign was completely illegible and the words were moving every other second and light from the most unexpected places. When I sat up and took a closer look, it had "150 yen off" crossed out and "Kill yourself." written at the bottom. Oh, the stupidity. Those idiots. At that moment, it was no more games. You don't go down the toll road just because it's 150 yen off, fool. I was steamed. Me gold mine was snuffed, but that wasn't all. Something flew past me head before I could finish deciphering the rest of that mess. Just coming off of that pissed me off. "Listen, I am trying to fucking read mam. Stop sending me that magic bullet shit. Keep it far from me. I can't even fly, plus you're standing in front of the sun, so I can't even see the stripes on your panties or if you're even wearing any. I have THREE lives, I'm not wasting them on some ISC inspired retard who figured out how to script IRL for the first time. I've met a GODDESS who manhandled the Lunarians so well that you could say that she FISTED the Lunarian Empire 50 years after the Lunar War because they shot down one of her stars and you'd be correct. All that lead her to basically doing a rerun the entire battle of Buzz and Armstrong versus the Lunarian Menace over 4 years in a fraction of the time, with her friend who was mad her son got killed by some chinese bitch on the moon who probably has more balls than you. Even SHE wouldn't be so rude as to interrupt me. Maybe I should call my boy [Takehaya-Susanoo-no-Mikoto](Susanoo, sibling of the Japanese sun goddess Amatarasu for you simpletons) to put an END to YOUR dreamlike days." After the perfect finish, Japan style, I turned back to the sign and the words changed. This time it said "FUCK YOU" in bold letters. I just couldn't stand it. Is this a sign Youkai? Well I've got a 〜「SIGN」〜 for you too.

>> No.27795675

<span class="sjis">「NEET SIGN」〜 Suck My Fucking COCK, Dude![/spoiler]
All that damn effort: wasted. Optimism: gone. Status: fuckin' buttmad, without the butt. This was the next mistake of me life. I wasn't thinking when I got on some dirt path leading somewhere. Now hear me out. Not even a minute. Not even a full minute. These guys come running out of the forest flinging literal shit at eachother. What has this world come to. Men have devolved to playing with their feces again. I didn't even notice it but the guy throwing shit got put into a full nelson and had the lives beaten out of him with some hammer looking thing. "Kill him!" the people said. Dragged to the guillotine on the nearby cliffside, he wept like a pussy fag. "Warosu got put in Eientei's hospice because of you. They'll need to make a page whole shitty page to remember what you've done, but this ain't the 90s no more." *laugh track* "All them great new threads you ruined. They ain't comin' back." *ZUN(sfx)*
I could not believe what I had just witnessed. If I knew them, which I don't, I would have thought they were gay. They ripped his pants off and locked him in place. The guy was so panicked while it was happening that he shat himself. Roaring over the cliffside, they laughed. The sword was swung, the rope was cut, the popcorn was passed and the blade fell. It was a gruesome sight. His piglike squels, the blade failed to pierce his fat disgusting NEET neck, so they did it again. They killed a man and gave him a proper burial. Those weren't gentlemen.
One of the madmen noticed me when I wanted no part in that shit so I pulled up a chair and said I wouldn't move, even if ya bumped me.
"So brave." A voice came. "Ye who watch and even laugh. Which of you is man enough to take a shit on his grave?" I looked around for the voice but there was none. I've met youkai, oni, humans, demi-gods and everything inbetween. I've met several incarnates of chuunibiyo and knocked up the Crimson Slasher herself, but I'm not messin' with a spirit. Not after that dodging choccy rain encounter with Junko. Them Lunarians was dead. All without control of their bowels. That was strike one. I felt like a little boy again, but not a safe boy. I was about as unsafe as a virgin shota in a sexually frustrated, depraved and drunk OL doujin on crack. One dude took the dare, removed his pants and squat over the freshly dug mound. I turned me head away and I still smelled it. It was the most floral shite ever produced. He must've ate six punnets grapes four punnets strawberries and a narner. That was strike two. I said fuck it and ran, but the ground crumbled an I hit me head before the ragdoll down. It happened so fast I swear dick might've flown off like a parakeet. Next thing I knew, I woke up and trees were walking. Everything hurt. All those damn leaves were dancing in circles and singing the /jp/ themesong in unison. It took me a while for my eyes to set, but I remember it clear as day. This short haired blonde girl. If Sanny were next to her, you might've thunk she managed to clone herself. The blonde produced no pheromones, but had the creepiest look of lust on her face and was drooling like a dog at an oasis after jumping through the flaming hoops of hell. Right over her shoulder was a doll. It turned to look at me for a full minute and said "Yo, dude, like, bro, dude, yo, bro, like fuckin' you are so dead when she gets home". How fucking nice. I slip off a cliff, break me bones, and now I see a doll talking shit at me as some small blonde girl carries a 495lb(225kg, kg*2.2=lb for you gaijins) piece of muscle 4 times her size back to her cabin to be used as a toy. Weight distribution is a bitch.
It took me no time to remember something. "so shitty? ...if you order this then there is danger... from next time on; it's a double-edged sword. I can't recommend it to amateurs." I used me mangled right arm and pulled out 'ole green onion. Thank fuck I met that one dude. "When you encounter some creepy bitch with yellow hair who who plays with dolls, grab a shovel and wack her over the head." I wasn't a shovel but it would work. That's what I thought before it melted before me eyes, strength slipping away like I used a bomb in Subterranean Animism.

>> No.27795706

They say logic don't apply in Gensokyo, but listen. First off, they're dumb. Second, shut the fuck up, it makes sense if the narrator wants it to. Third of all, the bitch drugged me, plus shut the fuck down. That doll kept saying things, but I didn't pay attention. I ain't insane, this ain't the puppet show in the padded room, that doll ain't moving on it's own and I sure as fuck don't feel like getting raped by some weirdo. Since green onion got turned to vomit pulp, I tried to remember my /jp/ history lessons from Keine when I first came to Gensokyo. Before I could scream Kirisame, I shit you not, I'll be damned if I didn't tell you this, a bunch of outsiders, all speaking feigned /jp/ lingo. Fakes. I could tell some had been there a while. They all seemed like nice folks, but on the other side of the street, there was more than just a few faggots arguing. Freaks. It was some of the most disgusting shit ever. My fucking eyes. Those outsiders stopped in their tracks and two of them joined in and the true nature was never more apparent. It was the worst development ever since people started seeing penises under skirts after managing to score a date as a Wizard NEET. A word of advice, RUN. They say a hole is a hole, but it ain't worth it. If you managed to get a date the first time, you can do it a second time. Just clean yourself up first. Your room probably smells like shit with all those piss open bottles. I zoned out when they were talking, sounded like they all hated eachother for no reason, so they made up some. I don't know when it happened, but someone in a maid outfit came and killed every last one of them with a mop. A fucking mop. I felt the pain when some dude said he wanted to cry.
I stood there about to say something when some other dude croaked with his bloodclot throat "there's not one decent thread in the whole catalog." The fuck does that mean? Every last one of them got up and started walking toward me after a few seconds like some sort of gang initiation when I said that. My life flashed before me eyes, but with more bad memories than good. I remembered some obnoxious motherfuckers who wouldn't shut unliving former hell up outside the /jp/ mansion. "It's your fault that you sold too much sake to a God! YOU DON'T SELL TOO MUCH SAKE TO A GOD! WE'RE GODS! WE'LL HAVE YOU EXTERMINATED! WE'LL HAVE YOU EXTERMINATED AND WE'LL LAUGH ABOUT IT!" Some words those were. I recognized every last one of them. All without a soul and dependent on others because they can't supplement themselves. God I can't bare to watch. "Sometimes it feels like I'm the only smart one around" Some dude followed up, and it was the quickest reply I had ever seen. "Nah dude, some guys act retarded just for fun. Everyone does it, but the only downside is..." he looked at the gate and they were screaming at eachother and pulling on the gate as security rushed over, unsightly. "it attracts the actual retards." "I agree, but it doesn't top that free house in Japan. Nobody bought the damn thing when it was free." I was starting to remember the dude outside the gate, retired with his 4 riot shields around him with his N.E.E.T helm, but the last traces of that dreamlike day vanished when the blonde lady kicked the door open and shoved me in a dark room. I came out brand spanking new, but it was some of the weirdest shit ever I tell you. Everything was fine, but me streamer was numb and I couldn't feel me balls despite touching them. I lost conscious several times, when I don't even remember going to sleep. Not one normal thing happened since that festival. What the fujck man.

>> No.27795725

Putting that shit behind me, I decided to continue the walk to the Human Village a day behind schedule. Why? Well that's simple. I want to try that tourist attraction, you know, that new bar that was installed in the Human Village? Geidontei? Anyway, people say that just one taste of the special sake there can put you in a coma. So I went to try it out after dropping a few job resumes and a scheduled interview I'll either not show up to or fuck up on purpose to keep getting my Genso-NEETbux. (Don't blame me. Gotta pay for the Mansion somehow when nobody has a job. The current payment is only a few hundred million yen short not including the electricity bill and the cost of internet from the first monthly payment in 2011, so if you would like to help pay the bills, be sure to contact ***** at [REDACTED] for more information. Ask for Anon.) I'd like to see a dumb ass cup of sake take down the average /jp/sie standing at 10 feet, but 10 feet or not, being a whole day late is unacceptable. I heard that people have been standing her up lately. Booking placements and not showing up; I have a reputation to uphold. The boys on /jp/ are always hard, knowing nothing in life but to be a NEET. /jp/sies can be counted on when needed. That waitress must've been depressed and drunk my cups herself. but don't get any better. I had to stop twice on the way back. Me balls cramped hard. You're just walking along and it feels like a leech yanked your balls from inside and out all of a sudden. It was a sharp pain I hadn't felt since Wriggle punted me nutsack after calling her a boy. How the fuck was I supposed to know those tits were female? When I got there, some nasty fuck stumbled out of a building and bumped into me. I looked at him for a minute and took the unopened bottle he had right out of his hands and drank it in front of him. Served him right. The dumbass was wasted in broad daylight. "His bottle. Put it on his tab." Pathetic.
I thought it was fucking a joke when some dude walked out with two bottles in hand before me head went nauseous on the first drop. That pink girl was asking for it back with a look of great concern on her face, but I drank the rest to show the drunk next to me just how much of a pussy bitch he was, not being able to hold his liquor to a dude a third of his age who has never consumed alcohol in his life. It must have been half the bottle I downed in that moment, but one swig was all it took and me head hit the table when I sat down. It was like I pulled the plug on my tower, if my tower was my body instead. Shutting down my limbs. Everything went black. Just in that incident alone, I lost two lives within two days. One off that shitty cliff, and the other at that fucking bar. Geidontei(fucking how?).

>> No.27795748

As someone free of vice, the whole experience was like a high powered hallucination. Being hypnotized by fairies didn't come close. The experience after that was surreal. Just like Gensokyo, it was a bloody place. Women and children should screw off and stay home, but even that wouldn't have saved them from what I saw. It was stab-or-be-stabbed. That was the one great thing about that place. That tense atmosphere where two guys on the same side of the board could start a fight at any time and cause a scene anywhere. The ambient silence on a night stroll. The feeling of the wind passing by your arms. The chill as you feel prying eyes. A youkai can snatch you at any time and nobody would care since you're from the outside world. That wasn't the best part though. The stuff of ancients is what draws you in. Be it the boar, the whale out at sea or the oni flattening the lands. For me, it was a dragon burning cities to the ground. The damn thing was so long that it was the sky as far as you could see it. I'll say this. Any human who talks shit should say it directly to the youkai's face. Not on anonymous slabs of wood reeking of your scent, hanging from the y̶o̶u̶k̶a̶i̶ Hakurei Shrine motherfucker. The money you spent on the wood and time carving those ugly letters could have been spent on Sanae's contraceptives or donating to Reimu if you wanted to be a good person that day and not piss your earnings after a night of drinking. But of course, Reimu in exchange for that donation offered protection she doesn't even provide. I know it first hand. You'll take it all those normalcies of life in the outside world for granted and beg Red-White to protect you from the youkai because you're so physically unfit, so I'll give you a little guide to living. I strongly suggest you stick in the Human Village when you wind up in Gensokyo. Away from the bogus Hakurei Shrine, non-humans, RAD™ Taoists burning building to the ground, Vampires causing mischief at 2 in the morning, Youkai in the forests, the beautiful youkai in the spotless Garden of the Sun near Mugenkan, Fairies in the trees and ground, Tengu on Youkai Mountain, the depths of Makai, uselessly paranoid schizophrenic Lunarians on the Moon, 3 whole oni treading by the various caves on land and sipping next to ponds at night, /jp/sies trying to engrave themselves onto an unknown history, and of course the Moriya Shrine and its notorious green player 2 vacuum cleaner. I suggest that some of you stick to the specially tailored way of living there. It isn't for everyone, /jp/ - Gensokyo is a bloody place. Too much knowledge, or one wrong move it all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down.~eajy. You know when your time is up when Red-White pays you a visit. Now it all sounds great, but it's all made up. I don't remember anything. Everything that happened, didn't happen. Everything that didn't happen, happened. I thought I was out for a few minutes, but there were missing posters everywhere when I woke up. "Anon [MISSING]" Gone for 15 days. Most of the dudes who went there were missing for 2 days at max. Why the fuck was it 15 for me? I met a "friend" who was there and they told me everything that happened. I don't know how I met them. They smelled like literal shite and looked like they would drive me to the edge of the city and leave me in that Youkai forest if I ever got wasted enough to need help getting home. According to them, I walked in, I took another drink from the bottle, passed out for a nearly an hour and stumbled out of the front entrance when I woke up. Saying I was talking about those dumbass fairies again, how that if you saw what they were doing every hour, you'd run your ass back to the Hakurei Shrine to scream at that Youkai Miko some heretical shit about getting trapped, drug to undisclosed locations and fucked by girlish winged magical creatures that were 4 feet tall and smelled like honey, or a literal gang of female kappa literally picking you off the street and kept as entertainment for weeks on end. To top it off, the dude said I smelled weird. Me streamer was numb, it smelled weird after the cabin bitch, and my balls itched. God I couldn't bare to stand him. He pissed me off. "I take a bath every day. I like baths. I take 10 a day. I sleep in the bath. I eat bath SALTS." I said to him in a drunken stupor. Everyone heard it. Even if wasted, that was the single biggest fuckup ever. I thought I could be friends with that whale girl as backup since Kasen has been too busy masturbating with her arm nonstop after spending a decade looking for the darned thing. Heck, I remember me friend Tenshi telling me it was alive and talking when she found it. Red flag. Psycho. Maneater. Killer. A fucking oni. Welcome to my "avoided" list. Damn. All I wanted was to go and have fun after that festival, but the moment I set foot outside, I had the worst two days of my life.

>> No.27795774
File: 917 KB, 250x251, we just dont know.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
27795774

On that note, I went the fuck home after talking to that Youkai Miko, the kid grew up well to be a prodigy. Led the entire outside world to extinction using an endless flow of charisma.
The walk back to the mansion was treacherous. I had my eye on every corner and tree. When I got back, the fairy maids were on duty. I still can't believe they're more useful than the fuckin Nijiura Maids that came to stay. I swear, it's a heart attack when you see one. I opened me door and went to my room to take a shower, everything was a mess when I got out. Probably niggy again. Yakui came asking for me drugs. Stacking them is no problem, but her addiction turned the trillion yen fund down to a million yen fund. Every time someone left, they came back with another. Soon it'll be packed like 4chan house, but without the fucking basement to live in. Do yourself a favor and stay NEETs forever. I suggest you stick with today's special. Going outside fucking sucks. That shit is not worth the time, effort, suffering and pain. I don't know how people live like that when NEETdom exists. Do they love to suffer or something? Are they masochists? I just don't understand.

>> No.27795832

i do not remember this pasta but it is a very nice one

>> No.27795885

>>27795832
It's an amalgamation of several over the past few years

>> No.27811359
File: 222 KB, 1110x984, 1532531141831.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
27811359

TL;DR

>> No.27822636

>As someone free of vice
lmao stopped reading there, you're full of shit

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