/jp/ - Otaku Culture

fuck you

He is not funny

>>8694186
Neither are you.

> "what are you doing, Sheldon?"
(nervous laughter from the audience, their mouths clearly drooling in anticipation)
>"listening to music"
(more chuckles, one member laughs too loud and furious shhhh'ing is heard)
>"but it sounds like its from a video game"
(audience laughs. Sheldon looks like he has something to say, and is waiting for the audience to calm down)
>"your point?"
(at this point, the audience laughs so loud that TV's around the world crack and hiss with the putrid violence of a thousand demons. several members of the audience collapse from heart failure, and the members still laughing start ripping and tearing at their flesh, gnawing and chewing on the bleeding, still writhing organs and muscles of the fallen audience members. at the center of the audience seating, in mid air, the collected life essence of each member swirls and dances, forming the visage of "Krak'lanor, the hungerer". As his form becomes more coporeal, other members of the audience start bleeding from their eyes, scratching at their faces furiously, as if trying to offer more blood to the horrible demi-god appearing before them.)

Who are you quoting?

>>8694209
out.

"Hey Sheldon, wanna see the new Harry Potter movie?"
>The audience chuckles nervously
"No, Harry Potter is for children. I prefer realistic and dramatic films, such as Star Wars."
>The audience laughs heartily
"Luke, I am your father!"
>The audience begins laughing so hard they burst into flame and their lungs explode. They start pissing themselves from laughter, which fails to put out the flames but makes everything smell like burnt hair and urine. An older gentleman has a heart attack and dies on the floor, burning and covered in piss. The earth trembles below the studio, opening a gaping crack into the underbelly of the earth. Several members of the audience are dragged into the blackness, laughing so hard blood spills from their mouths as they descend into the molten core of the earth, smashing into the rock as they fall. The continued laughter echoes off the rock, causing the largest known earthquake in history, crippling the powergrids of several of the world's major cities, pIunging humankind into darkness for weeks. Martial law is called into effect as the riots increase in size and aggressiveness. As food begins to run out, haIf of the world's populace is dead, with the survivors now resorting to cannibalism and subsistence farming.

>>8694214
That picture is so perfect

>>8694212
It's funny because kikes would like greentext. It helps to degenerate goy's language even more.

>>8694214
>>8694207
I really enjoy these. Please post more.

>>8694237
ok...

Hey Leonard..
>The audience is mostly silent, but there are a few murmurs of anticipation for the coming punchline..
...Hey Sheldon
>The audience starts to crack, a few nervous chuckles are heard
I've made a flowchart showing the algorithm for
ordering food from a Chinese restaurant. Would you like to see it?
>The audience loses control and bursts out in full riotous laughter. A few lose control of their bodily functions, flinging saliva and mucus around the room.
...I'd rather not.
>The audience bursts out, some visibly rolling in the aisles. The laughter reaches the audible level of a Judas Priest concert, but ultimately nothing out of the ordinary occurs in the studio. But at that moment, somewhere in the night, a child is born in an inner-city hospital. A child born of the concentrated cacophony of the studio audience, his dark birth kiIIing his mother and ushering in a new age, a dark age. An age of suffering for the entirety of humanity.

>Hey Sheldon!
*audience starts to chuckle*
>I was just playing video games
*Audience starts to laugh harder, some even start foaming at the mouth*
>I got a level up!
*Audience goes ape shit, some people die from laughter, then coming back as zombies, even the zombies laugh and kill themselves, and so on and so on*
>But then a dang Koopa hit me
*Audience of zombies sends a massive shock wave into space, destroying all planets in the solar system, but it goes beyond that, an alien race far far away hear this sound in an instant, it crushes their planets as well*
>But i'll show him
*Universe explodes with the dreaded shock wave of laughter*
>For I am Mario!
*God dies from the shock wave, thus the universe, the heavens and hell are all gone, all reality is torn, nothing exists anymore*

Hey, Sheldon
>Slight murmur in the audience, people looking nervously at each other.
I just played a videogame
>Someone laughs hysterically, the audience is jittery, sweaty, anxiety wracking their entire being. They begin shaking uncontrollably.
From 1985
>The audience cracks, they laugh so hard while hurtling through space toward a decommissioned space station. slowly, they pull their knees to their chests and close their eyes as their bowels begin to expel hundreds upon hundreds of beautiful, symmetrical turds, brown as the day is long. They laugh like young girls as their turds drift aimlessly behind them; they are as butterflies to a child frolicking in the fields of elysium.

>They approach the station's docking port, flaccid penises in hand, and prepare to float gently into its inviting confines. They extend their cockless arms jubilantly, as to celebrate the majesty and depth of space, and thank jesus christ for this ultimate gift and blessing. but suddenly, their outstretched arms collide with the outer rim of the docking port, and the trajectory of their quaking mass violently halted.

>the fates afford them barely enough time to turn their heads before the turds arrive. one thousand turds, each one seemingly larger than the last. they try in vain to cleanse their eyes of the shit sting, but succeed only in smearing their own fecal matter into a fine asspaste, which slowly seeps into their eyes and nasal cavities. They inhale a total of sixty eight thousand space Turds; their lungs are permeated completely with their own shit. They hang lax, spirits broken, defeated by poop. They will never be the same. they are forever shit faggots

Hey Sheldon, what would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?"
>audience nervously chuckles; a few scattered but stifled guffaws are heard. the anticipatory tension in the air is so thick that one could cut it with a knife.
"Screwed."
>audience barely remains silent as everybody struggles to hold in their laughter, sides silently splitting, their eyes bulging as their faces scrunch together in an effort to contain themselves. several people, mostly women and children, simply pass out, falling forward in their seats. some people move to help them, but they too pass out, incapable of both holding in their laughter and helping their fellow man
"There you go."
>audience explodes in a raucous cacophony of overpowering noise. ears begin to bleed as the combined volume of their laughter and mirth breaks the sound barrier. eventually sonic waves begin pouring forth from the audience as its members begin to cackle on in unison; those who passed out before have now risen and added their voices to the din. on stage, the actors catch the full brunt of the audience's veritable sound explosion. those lucky enough to be center stage die quickly as their brains are scrambled; those unfortunate enough to be on the sides suffer slowly as their brains slowly melt, bleeding from every orifice. eventually the audience grows too loud and brings the studio crashing down upon their heads, silencing them forever

>hey Sheldon!
*audience are paying attention, eager for the joke to happen*
>do you play video games?
*audience is at the edge of their seats, some are giggling cheerfully*
>well Leonard, yes I do. I mainly like the Call of Duty and Halo series.
*audience lets out a deafening laughter. The laughter instantly breaks the eardrums of everyone in the crowd, making them bleed out of their ears. The excruciating pain caused from the bleeding makes them start to cry blood, and vomit their own organs. Some of the crowd members even started to piss themselves uncontrollably, some of them into other crowd members' faces. The bodily fluids run down the hall, and into the streets. Upon everyone else seeing this, their lungs start to explode from the inside. The perfect sound of so many lungs exploding creates the symphony that summons Satan.*

>Hey Sheldon! Why is my N64 emulator running so poorly?
The audience leans forward in anticipation. Some bite their lip in preparation of the hilarious punchline. Men's balls twitch in excitement.
>Well let me take a look at it
Several audience members break out in anticipatory guffaws. Some void their bladders and punch fellow audience members in a twisted moment of comedy genius.
>Oh heres the problem, what horribly optimized code!
The audience bursts into treats, shrieking like monkeys caught in traps designed to ensnare them by the testicles. The laughter is so loud and contagious it spreads to nearby counties, infecting them with the purest of joy that can only come from a BBT joke. The president is alerted and the area declared a disaster zone. Survivors are evacuated and the infected area is firebombed. The episode later goes on to win 12 emmys.

Smithers, I'm home!
>audience begins chuckling in anticipation for the punchline
What? Already?
>audience begins laughing, trying to hold their shit in
Yes.
>audience then laughs so hard, they begin to vomit. As they are pissing themselves laughing, they then begin to shit themselves. The force from the vomit, shit, and piss then push the whole audience from the ground and they then begin to take flight in the air. The vomit, shit, and piss fall to the ground, covering the entire population.

>Hey, Sheldon!
The air thins as the audience, mouths agape, fill their lungs. The slow, steady, whispering wave of anticipation crashes across the room.
>Guess what arrived in the mail today!
The audience trembles, agony pumping through veins bulging out of sweaty, twitching faces. The Grim Reaper laughs maniacally watching their lungs heave and bulge, yet unwilling to unleash invisible wind carnage upon the black, fraying wings of out-cast stand-up comeidians from Hell's open-mic coffee lounge.
>What?
They don't even wait for the pathetic abortion of a punch-line promised by the banter on-stage. The audience erupts; a malestrom of blood, piss and feces rushes from the stands and propels the entire studio into orbit. From their new vantage, the methane released from the warbling asses of the convulsing audience members who survived the trip--shrieking, inhuman creatures who now flail uncontrollably amidst the crisp corpses of strangers with smiles floating in the melting studio--shoot a death cloud which coats the atmosphere and hyper-accelerates the Greenhouse Effect. Humanity looks up to see their skies rent by an orbital shit-storm, red paint the plains and cold black descend from mountaintops to steal life from the planet. The atmosphere dissolves and anyone not yet broiled from within has their breath stolen away from a cold, rocky shell to drift through empty space.