/jp/ - Otaku Culture

Nobody is even remotely interested...?

>>6960612
I would have checked it out if i had read the thread when it was alive.
How long exactly is chapter one, (compared to summerhouse or so?)

>>6960617
It seems to be a little less than 14 KB (raw text). By comparison, (Japanese) Narcissu seems to be ~190 KB, but Japanese takes less space, so I don't know how to make a valid comparison. It's short, anyways.

I guess I'll give it a read.

You followed through...shocking...this shall be read.

always up for anything new. I'll read it once I start my nightly drinking binge.

My only beef is that the character sprites are a bit ugly.

Other than that I enjoyed it. I suggest searching transparent_background on one of the booru sites or hitting up http://wiki.renai.us/wiki/Character_Art for some new ones.

I don't hate your writing style. Write more.
I'd completely forgotten about that thread though.

>>6960707
I read through it, I'm interested to see where trouble first starts.

i'm ok with this
but as anon >>6960716
said the sprites could use some work, rest is ok though

>I am an vivid tailor
Only error I found

Other than that, it's good.

Percussion.mp3 seems out of place. It felt like some sort of trip during that lounge scene. I liked the rest of the bgm though.

I honestly never thought anything would come out of that thread. But I'm pleasantly surprised by this.

>>6960765
But the phrase was, 'an avid tailor'.

I'll draw you some simple sprites, keep this thread alive.

I'm afraid to download this and like the hell out of it. I'm sorry, I can't do it.

>>6960781
Oops のヮの

>>6960426
The only things I didn't like was some minor stuff like their names. Was it a Reservoir Dogs reference?

I had a similar idea to do something like this but you actually pulled through, huge props to you.

>>6960819
No, but the origin for both is the same. They receive the names so they don't have to use their original names. In Reservoir Dogs it's used for anonymity, in /jp/ Manor it's used to leave their old lives (including name) behind. Any kind of alias would've worked, but I decided on colors. It's also a possible plot point for a possible later part.

I like it, OP.
But even with your reasoning, the names seem a bit out of place. There should be enough names based on colors, right? I just searched around on Google for a bit. You could call her Leila or Ciara instead of Black, for instance. They're names of Arabic and Irish origin respectively, but they sound a lot nicer and mean the same thing.
There's similar names you could use for the other girls, like Duvessa for Green. It'd break the naming scheme a bit in that it means dark beauty, but I why restrict yourself with the names too much?
It's good of you to not force Japanese names, though. Keep it that way.
Oh, and having Black say /jp/ manor at the start seemed a bit strange to me. It's fine when quoting the post, but actually having someone say it with the slashes and everything is a bit weird.
This ended up a bit longer than I had planned. Don't get the wrong idea, I really like what you're doing here, it's just these two nit-picky things I could complain about.

>>6960802
You're a good person.

I"m reading it right now,seems nice but when does the gore begins?

Shit. I'm the OP of that thread. Sorry for letting you guys down, it was just some harmless roleplay that I dreamt up while on the bus to get home. I'm quite honoured you're doing this.

>>6961044
Oh yeah, and also I don't know if there's a good /jp/ mirror, but I saved the thread as Chrome, so if anyone wants it I'll upload it.

>>6961047
You don't know about easymodo?

http://archive.easymodo.net/cgi-board.pl/jp/thread/6928276, but don't tell anyone that I sent you.

>>6961056
Oh, no I didn't. Anyway I hope there's no animosity towards me, the loli limit was only in place due to that I wanted detailed loli descriptions. Actually I was going to write a follow up story last night but never got round to it.

>>6961062
Don't feel bad. Something nice came of it.

>>6960914
Perhaps flower names corresponding to the colors may work. Violet for Purple, Iris for Cyan, Ivy for green (and not for the vine alone, their blooms do have a greenish-yellow tint), Camellia for Red, Lily for yellow, Mint for Blue. While it isn't a traditional female name, some Arum flowers are black (as an aside, "serpent's pillow" is a local name for them due to their dark colors and poisonous nature.) I'm pretty sure there's an Arabic word that means "black lily" and is used as a common name, but I can't seem to find it.

>>6961056
So those chosen are the character bases? I like the Hinaichigo-type childish loli the best.

>>6960978
Chapter 3 at the earliest, probably later.

on the side note, anyone a little girl yet? did the manor turn out to be true? or any of the chosen ones is still his/her old self?

>>6961075
Were you looking for ' Layla ' ?

>>6961097
Dark-skinned poster from a week ago here. (Inspiration for green I guess?) Still my normal self, not too depressed about the situation, and glad that it seems to have produced something cool, I will look forward to seeing the continued chapters.

>>6961104
On a side note, it was kind of awkward reading stuff that an alternate me was supposed to be saying.

>>6961110
Hey, try writing a weird fantasy roleplay story, and having it turned into a VN. Jeez. I never expected Onee Sama to be a killer though, the story is in your hands now, OP.

>>6961122
Hey, fuck you onee sama. You didn't choose me!

>>6961127
You're just mad you don't get to be in the VN.

>>6961127
And no wonder, with that kind of language.

>>6960426
>especially the music is of poor quality compared to what I can do
It's nice in that it's not noticeable. That's how it generally should be. The only song I didn't like was what Red played. It wasn't bad, but not good enough to warrant the kind of reaction it got.
Waiting warmly for what you can do when you actually take your time.

>>6961097
First applicant here. Unfortunately I'm not the little girl.

This is awesome by the way.

OP, how are you going to make suicidal people come to the manor? Is that going to be when the little girls start being killed off?

>I felt inspired by it, so I decided to write a visual novel about /jp/ anons as little girls in a mansion.

What the fuck?
Why is Arc one of the little girls and i am not?

Wow, this is great anon
I was just about to write a story about a /jp/ Café
But i will put that on a hold seeing that the /jp/ Manor
story still has so much to offer
Keep on the good work.

>>6961097
Would-be orator reporting, no such luck here either.

>>6961103
No, that's night. You may be thinking "Lilak" or "Nilak" which is the lilac flower and color in Arabic and Persian respectively, but lilacs aren't black.

>so the manor will only appear to those who think these dark thoughts.

The anti-government guerrillas were fighting against the government in the country which was politically unrest.
There was an incident that a little girl was raped and murdered by the guerrillas in a small forest.
Tired of his life in this world and planning to end it all with a flourish
Mr. ZUNbar, who is the commander of the military, advanced his men to this small forest to hunt the guerrillas.
But the incident was all planned out by him, so that he could have a raping party for himself. The little girls, who were suspicious as guerrillas, were arrested. That was the beginning of the insane raping party.

i'd love to make sprites for this. i see some other anon wants to, maybe i'll post a sample here and see who yu like better?
and i think it'd also be easy to find someone to draw backgrounds.

please write more, it's an interesting concept and you write nice. i'd love to see it released as a 'real' vn like Katawa Shoujo (just keeping it released by chapters like Umineko, since the wait with KS is just too painful...)

The dark skinned anon looks sunburnt rather than dark skinned, and filtered pictures for background never fails to irritate me (I hate the blurred, dimensionless quality) but other than that, it's actually not too terrible, and I'm excited to see where you go with this.

>>6961223
>The dark skinned anon looks sunburnt rather than dark skinned
I thought this too

>>6961223
She did look really weird...

If you continue to make more chapters, do you plan on re-releasing chapter one in better quality?

>>6961196
Making people with these kinds of dark toughs venture the mansion was the worst choice for the lolis
This will only lead to this insane raping party in the ending
I mean... If i was about to kill myself and stumbled upon that manor
And was allowed to stay one week and then in the end of the weeks the lolis just tried to kick me out of the mansion and back to my shitty life, i would say "FUCK YOU!" And then punch Onee-sama in the face and put my cock in her mouth while making the one in red lick my ass and the one in purple massage my balls
I would stay forever abusing and raping all the lolis while having the manor all for myself

>>6961282
that's great we can just make yandere endings!

>>6961282
>Attacks seven immortals, one of whom can clearly use some sort of magic

>>6961291
And do what to me?
Transform me into a little girl?
I am a black belt in karate and i could easily dominate all of the lolis even if i had the body of a child

>>6961294
I'm pretty sure Black could just turn you into a toddler.

>>6961294
The girls all know aikido.

>>6961294
You missed a single detail there anon
All the lolis are from /jp/.
And like every single anon here, they probably practice aikido everyday.

An Aikido practitioner is practically invincible, no one of any martial arts background can ever land a punch or kick on one.
Using the power of the attacker, the Aikido practitioner uses absolutely no energy to knock them down.

A fearsome martial arts it is.

>>6961299
>>6961313
>>6961316
Then what is the point of the manor??
To show me how beautiful life is inside of it and then kick me back to my shitty life??
This would just make me want to kill myself ag-
Oh wait....What about... -
1- Suicidal toughs
2- Stumble upon /jp/ manor
3- See how beautiful life is inside of it
4- Get kicked out of it after one week, and back into my shitty life
5- Suicidal toughs
7- Stumble upon /jp/ manor
...
Is this allowed?

>>6961282
After 7 days of staying with the girls, the suicides are murdered in their sleep by the girls. If they attack any of the girls, the murder is immediate and the attempt is worthless since they're all immortal. The fountain of elixer al-hayat, even when discovered, is a strong toxin if you aren't a ten year old girl, so no suicide is able to attain immortality. The onee-sama is insane and derives sexual pleasure from killing men, she fully believes the other little girls on /jp/ will enjoy the gore as much as she does, since they too hate what the world has become. So eventually the little girls will find their elegant, lovely onee-sama covered in blood, ripping off the guts of a screaming would-be suicide with a gentle smile and inviting them to join her. You have the opportunity to do so and become another insane murderer in form a cute girl, elegantly drinking tea and conversing with your onee-sama and fellow maidens during the day and enjoying the warmth of spilled intestines and unheard screams of your victims during the night. Or you may stand away from the rest and watch the other little girls join the onee-sama, having elegant murder parties where the suicides are killed in creative ways and their blood consumed (with the pinky finger extended of course) while they act normal during the day, genuinely curious why you aren't joining them. Of course, you'd be immortal and unable to leave the mansion grounds, and since the rest of the girls are amiable towards you, you're stuck with them as the only sane little girl for the rest of eternity.

Suicides don't exactly return from Aokigahara, you know.

>>6961277
Further chapters will include chapter 1, so any sprite or music changes will automatically apply to chapter 1 as well. As for writing revisions, probably not. If I do rewrite stuff, it'll be minor changes.

>>6961339
Needs more Yuri

>>6961370
Yeah I meant visual elements, not the writing

>>6961371
Loli murder parties where your onee-sama's soft lips press against yours while her bloodstained hands reach under your frilly night dress isn't enough for you?

>>6961402
That's fine too.

what the HELL, i just finished reading it and i realized that I WAS the blue little girl O_o
I mean...How the HELL do you know so much about me?
She is totally like me! =O

>>6961097
I was one of the six OP eventually picked.
Nothing happened, of course, nice to see someone was inspired by the idea.

>>6961414
The Blue little girl has no personality, that's the point

>>6961424
aww, damn. I WANTED TO BELIEVE

well at least we have a nice vn now.

I was lucky to find the original thread while I was on the beach and had internet for a single day for half an hour. That's what you call luck.
Anyways, should I read this now, or wait for the improved version?

>>6961431
I can't believe you are replying seriously to such a troll.

>>6961497
I can't believe you are replying seriously to such a troll.

I don't think any line was longer than 3 rows (+name), so get rid of that extra row. It hogs too much space as it is anyway.

The sprites are probably spaceholders, but you should make them about 1.5x bigger in any case. It was pretty annoying to watch when only their heads kept peering from behind the dialogue box.

The music was actually pretty nice, but kept changing too fast. More text could fix that. Speaking of which, your story needs to be more descriptive, to give a proper image of the mansion and the other girls. In other words, more details, less hurrying to the next scene.

>black and yellow

OP you should put your script in pastebin or something so we can all improve it together.

>>6961545
Congratulations you just ruined the entire thread.

>>6961548
The pleasure of being edited inside.

>>6961339
Addendum: If you choose to join the onee-sama, you'll slowly come to terms about the fact that you're essentially torturing people for personal amusement, reasoning that they've been in effect dead ever since they took a step into Aokigahara with the intent to commit suicide. Likewise, the other little girls around you will also come to accept the onee-sama's views and change into perverted versions of their former selves. The innocent, curious loli, for example, would play with her victim's innards without any ill intent (she is, after all, not harming another human being, as the only "human beings" under her definition are herself, her onee-sama, and her sisters), asking their function to the onee-sama and "rewarding" her with a kiss on her cheek when she is answered, prompting the onee-sama to smile warmly and pat her head while ignoring the grotesque display of dissected human organs before them. The self-appointed maid loli would try a few drops of human blood to add flavor to dishes, though she's probably find human meat and offal unbefitting for elegant little girls to eat. The cello/piano-playing librarian loli would team up with the cook and biochemist to learn about poisons with interesting effects (for example cantharidin, which causes horribly painful erections), gather them from the mansion grounds and mix them into dishes to see the response of the "guests" (of course, being immortal, the lolis themselves wouldn't be affected much.) Despite those inhuman acts, they'd also be perfect, proper young ladies, never committing acts unbecoming for a maiden and behaving as ideal little girls even while torturing their victims. Needless to say they'd also be madly in love with each other, though this love would be sisterly in nature (but under their onee-sama's guidance, they'd soon come to realize that it isn't wrong for sisters to know each other carnally.)

Of course, that's all conjecture. I look forward to seeing OP's continuation.

>>6961584
Green here.
OP, start working on this right now.

>>6961584
Red here.
Not sure which feels weirder, the fact that someone is describing me as a sadistic loli poisoner or the fact that it's actually not unreasonable in context. Fund it.

>>6961584
Onee Sama here... DO IT.

Just a quick typo I noticed. Near the beginning, where it says "I was browsing on my favorite imageboard to waste some times, as I had nothing better to do."

That should say 'time', not 'times'.

Nice, OP. I'm guessing you shopped actual pictures and used an oil paint filter? It's nice, but it 'contrasts' a bit too much with the character sprites, in my opinion. The sprites themselves could be improved a bit, but they are nice either way.Also, I'd say you could just make the dialog box a bit smaller or make the characters a bit bigger. (I haven't read the thread yet,I am assuming other people gave similar suggestions.)

>>6962674
> I'd like to apologize for using a character generator for this. Due to lack of drawing skills and lack of time, I had no other choice.

http://archive.easymodo.net/cgi-board.pl/jp/thread/6936521

Look here as well.

Good job OP. I think it needs more grimdark DRAMA and REAL DEAL. Like themes of loneliness and suicide.

after looking at this outcome i really regret i not posting in those two threads, even if i was really enjoing them. looks like something great might come of this

OP, do you need music?
I haven't read the thread aside from the OP.
But I'm interested in helping if I can.

This video sums up my feelings about everything so far:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckMvj1piK58

I strongly resonate with Red, and like to believe one of my posts in the loli manor thread was partial inspiration.

I wholeheartedly support this project and hope you may get more support and sufficient drive to see it to some sort of conclusion.

>>6961584
Another addendum: Here's some more thought on creative ways to kill people horribly.

"--and the thin chelipeds are used to force the starfish into a defensive posture. The inert echinoderm is then flipped on its back and eaten alive, piece by piece. Tube-feet are usually consumed first."

I awaken with a dull pain. Two people are talking beside my bed.

"A large starfish can take over a week to consume, and the shrimp are fond of fresh meat, so they've even been observed bringing food to their captive prey to ensure it stays alive."

I recognize their voices. Cyan continues with her usual, soft tone, while Red listens and nods once in a while. It's been seven days since I arrived in this out-of-place mansion. After failing university entrance exams, I had entered Aokigahara with the intent to end my life, but I ended up finding this paradise with seven cute girls tending to me. Two of them, Cyan and Red, were talking beside me at the moment.

Normally, I would rise and greet them, but I'm in a bit of a predicament, you see. I've been unable to move since I came to myself.

"Of course, immobilizing a human body is more difficult, so I had to use tetrodotoxin. In correct doses, one can paralyze the entire body, but the victim is alive and conscious during the ordeal and recovery is possible. Please ask me before administering it yourself, because a wrong dose can be fatal within a day."

So, she did this to me? Is that her idea of a prank, or...

Yes, considering my current situation, the second option seemed more likely. Those little girls, if they're immortal and eternally young as they claim, must see my life as no more important than that of a fly. I laughed when they first revealed this, but I now realize that my helpless body is nothing but a toy to them.

>>6964308
Even though she must realize I am conscious by now, Cyan keeps speaking as though nothing happened.

"Well then, if we feed him properly and decide carefully on the cuts, I think he can last about two weeks~"

She cheerfully declares and moves towards me. I heard enough to guess what she'll do next, but I am powerless to stop it. True to my intuition, a blinding pain rings through my body. My thumb and index finger have been cut off.

"Harlequin shrimp hunt in pairs, so I thought they were a fitting species to celebrate our union. Wouldn't you agree?"

Now that my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, I can see them clearly. The clothes that gave them their names lie discarded on the floor, their petite, naked bodies are pressed against each other. Cyan is explaining my predicament while groping Red's budding chest, her blood-covered fingers are pressing against Red's maidenhood. Those two young, innocent ladies whom I thought were incapable of sin, were acting as lovers right before my eyes.

It was then that I understood. Cyan wasn't explaining my fate to me, she was casually talking with Red as she always did. The fact that I was conscious did not matter, because to them, I am no longer a creature that can understand words.

They simply didn't regard me as a human being anymore.

For the record, yes, they're visiting him daily and cutting off a small piece of him with every visit in an imitation of the hunting pattern of the harlequin shrimp, using his fresh blood as a lubricant while they engage in pure, maidenly yuri play. Sensory and vital organs are removed last, and the unnamed victim is kept conscious but unable to move throughout the act thanks to carefully chosen doses of tetrodotoxin (from newts in the mansion grounds.) I imagine Red to have "cooking" sessions where Cyan teaches her how to weight proper amounts of poisons, both of them would be dressed in naked apron since they're more or less immune to poison.

I'd like to see some of the suicidals being indefinitely tortured in the basements, as well as some bodily experimentation on them to create mute, monstrous butlers. I'm opposed to the idea of loli yuri, I think it would detract from the game as a whole to have that, and it's generally unnecessary.. I think that blue should stay sane and try to get the suicidals to escape though, at least a few times. Basically I'd have it like this. The first one they kill all the girls are confused, but they warm to it. The second one is also unavoidable, maybe explore some mutation here to create the monster butler. The third one is Blue's younger sister who is about 16, who is killing herself after losing her aniki. Bad ends could be you go crazy and help kill her, or let her die and then go crazy "this is my home now" , normal end you help her escape then go back to the manor, good end you manage to destroy the manor and yourself in it, with an epilogue showing you may have gone back to your old life (though perhaps still with the body of an eternal little girl)

Please stop with the psycho yangire lolis.

Yangire has no place in our manor.

>>6965323
I thought that was the whole idea?

>>6965463
No, that was just a tangent that got started in this thread. OP didn't say anything about it, neither did the original thread.

>>6965476
>I"m reading it right now,seems nice but when does the gore begins?
OP
>Chapter 3 at the earliest, probably later.

>Yangire has no place in our manor.
>our manor

Disregard this anon, and continue posting fanfic.

>>6965476
It's a spinoff story. Not canon.

>>6965769
I'm the guy who posted the original thread, and I fully support the gore idea. There's nothing really fun about playing a game where you be a little girl in a tranquil environment, that's what escapism is for, that was the purpose of the original thread. Adding twists is more interesting. I'd love to help you on the script, OP, but naturally it's your project and in your hands now. There wouldn't be much fun in a game about living in heaven, really, since you'd just get envious and bored, just like how no one would watch a tv show about a guy typing on /jp/ all the time.

>>6965785
>I'm the guy who posted the original thread, and I fully support the gore idea
I'm the poster Red was based on, so do I.
Obviously if that wasn't the direction you were planning on taking it that's fine too, trying to stuff in everything we suggest probably wouldn't end well.

>>6965769
Not 100% sure if there will be any actual gore in it at all. There probably will be, but I can't guarantee it.

>>6965831

>I'm the poster Red was based on, so do I.

You sure? Red doesn't seem to be any individual post. Of course, none of the characters have been fleshed out to the point of recognition.

I support plot twists, but please no psycho yangire lolis unless they are from a different manor, or possibly Black.

Perhaps Black isn't the only immortal manor-running loli?

>>6965995
My "application" said I was a musician, interested in taking care of the library, and had brown hair and green eyes.
Red's a musician, asks about the library, and has brown hair and green eyes.
Seems pretty clear-cut.

>>6966026

Works for me.

>>6965999
>Perhaps Black isn't the only immortal manor-running loli?

Not exactly loli, but when it comes to a mansion, elegant young ladies, and gratuitous torture, I can think of a close enough match.

Anyhow, in the end, the gore is just a possible plot idea, it depends on the OP to decide on what he will do with the story. I just ended up typing a lot on it because it seemed likely to me that after they are turned into eternally young maidens, embittered /jp/ residents' general disapproval towards the "normal" world would gradually turn them into insane lesbian little girls with no semblance of humanity left. Or rather, they would think that they are indeed human, they would instead torture their victims without compassion because they genuinely believe that anyone who isn't initiated into their sisterhood does not qualify as a human being - after all, they live in a paradise where death and misery no longer exists as perfect young maidens, and their victims who stumble from the outside are the disgusting 3D people they used to distain. I doubt any /jp/ user could resist slowly becoming a twisted, sadistic but equally elegant and maidenly loli in such a situation, especially if the onee-sama herself is an insane little girl wishing to initiate you into her way of thinking.

At this point I'm just echoing what others have already said, but I'd be interested in reading more.

Good job.

>Red
MIND=BLOWN