/jp/ - Otaku Culture

And that was it. Thank you all for reading it until the end, and I hope you enjoyed it. Although it started out as just a simple nonsensical story for practice, I hope you enjoyed the story that resulted from it.

Comments and criticism are very welcome, and I would be especially interested in critique regarding the character interaction in this story. I started writing this to practice a bit, so it would be great if you could help me improve my writing.

I liked it very much and found no flaws or the likes.
You captured the characters briliantly and the writing is really good, even considering having to forge another writing style (eg. ellipses).

Keep up the good work.

Needs less Bad End.

Captcha: ETHICAL perfect

The entire story is now up at http://www.stack.nl/~vdz/onzin/erika/index.html .

>>5824561
Bad end is best end.

Sad end ;_;

It was really good. I was expecting to see some fan-made stories using the custom screenshot generator, and this definitely uses it really well. Erika needs to catch a break, though, good ends where.

Poor Erika, she lost the only one who could be aware of her situation. Its her own fault though, she should have given him a life jacket.

>>5824615
There was only one life jacket on Rokkenjima, the one she came to Rokkenjima with. The Ushiromiya life jackets are on Krauss's boat, which is currently somewhere else for repairs.

Anyways, if nobody's going to give any criticism, could you point out the parts you liked best, things that I should definitely use in stories I'll write in the future?

>>5824533
>I would be especially interested in critique regarding the character interaction in this story
I still feel that Erika's far from being too narrowminded to have realized by herself that her efforts to catch the criminal would have been useless thanks to the Groundhog day. Otherwise it wasn't bad at all for a story you wrote as you went along.

Oh, one thing that doesn't need to be pointed out is the plot hole at the start, I realized it myself while writing day 3. The protagonist already narrates that "Erika's figure" disappears, even though he's never been introduced to Erika before that point. I guess those kinds of small plot holes are inevitable if you're going to write a complete story as you go along...

>>5824629
I liked the bit where she made like she was going to feed him, and then pulled it away at the last second.

There's not really much for me to criticize -- the only things I didn't like were personal preference, and that isn't really "criticism".

>>5824629
The entire thing was just so awesome, I honestly can't pick out a part I like the best. =/
Great story. :D

Captcha: Lethal rules
DEAD ends are awesome! >:D

>Amal

Why did you have to name the protagonist that? I keep hearing

>Jamal

Instead

>>5824629
She could have attempted to fashion some sort of flotation device for him. But I guess she just didn't care enough, and now she has to spend eternity alone.

>>5824724
I searched for names meaning 'hope', but damn, it's difficult to find a male name meaning hope. 'Amal' was the only male name I could find that unambiguously meant 'hope' (even though it only means that in the Arabic meaning).
There are tons of female names meaning 'hope', but very little male names.

>>5824722
>:D
:D
=/

Sure is underage in here..

>>5824722
They're not supposed to be awesome, they're supposed to be heartrending.

Oh, also very useful for me to know. How much did the ending affect you emotionally? Did you have a pokerface throughout the entire ending? Were you slightly sad? Were you on the verge of tears? Did you cry?

>>5824787
>>5824767
For most people, probably.
But I'm sort of an insensitive sadist anyway, so...

>>5824787
I was slightly sad because I was really enjoying how Erika was interacting with Amal. She never really developed her relationships with other characters, except for a short scene with Dlanor.

>>5824787
Had you chosen any character but Erika, i think it'd have more impact.
Erika being OH SO SAD usually involves varying degrees of trolling, so you could say a i wore a forced pokerface.

>>5824807

This. It was kinda like ep 5/6, Were she was a bitch and later turned out to be quite lovely.

>>5824787
Well considering how Erika was a rather cold "bitch" id say the ending did not realy break my pokerface.

Still it was interesting enough.

Erika was only a filler character, kind of like a mid-boss that get forgotten pretty quickly.
She brought nothing to the story except more meta-fiction shit that was already obvious before her.

Fucking R07 and his need to prolong the game so much.

>>5825422
Brotip: The meta-fiction is also part of the story.

Where are the Erika fans......? ......Have you all left now that you have finished seeing her misfortune......?

>>5825949

I was sleeping. My sleep was totally fucked today.

>>5825949
Erika will return to ruin Bernkastels game

>>5824787
i actually smiled when bern appeared and trolled the fuck out of erika.

Up!

Erika is bad and you should feel bad

>>5824533
>>5824349

Oh... oh, god damn it. That was so depressing. That was awesome!

>>5824657

Also, the whole part since getting on the raft was definitely the best. I listened to Rengoku during it. Shat bricks.

>>5824787

I felt pretty bad. Not on the verge of tears, but like "FUCK, this is very fucked up..."

Where did all of the activity go? Erika is disappointed in you, guys.

>>5825360
Dammit, I feel bad for Erika!

>>5830826
I haven't went anywhere, I just only have so many pictures to post!

>>5830847

Yeah, that was sad too.

>>5830932
If you have nothing to post, create something to post.

>>5832231
uguu

>>5825949
Sorry lady Erika, I was busy today.

>>5826191

>>5833548

>>5832231

...

>>5833572
SAVED

Can I have a version with the ahegao, but without the cocks?

>>5834230
Uguu?

>>5834905

This is a cute picture.

Just finished it. I was relatively impressed.
It wasn't unintentionally pretentious even though it could have been, and avoiding core flaws is very high in my book.

It was good length, and had atmosphere that made it quite comparable to Umineko.

And as most things happen when I read nice stories. I might have to give myself a hand at this.

Up!

>>5835956

VDZ, comment on my feelings.

>>5824533
I enjoyed the story, good job sir!

>>5836651
I was asleep. But, um, what am I supposed to comment on?

Erika is a miracle of the universe.

Erika...

>>5838540

No arguing there. She's a product of Bern's meddling.

>>5838845

Why the ellipsis?

>>5838879
Because she's not real ;_;

>>5838898

Erika has a very real position in my heart. Moreso than very many.

>>5838898

>>5838969

... I came.

>>5838969
That's not Erika! Get that ugly imposter away from me!

>>5839721
Ugly? No she's cute but you're right, that's not the real Erika ;_;

I'd still hit it like the fist of the north star

>>5838868
Here is something for you, old chap.

>>5840064
I wouldn't. She looks like a generic bitch, not like the brilliant and twisted Erika.

>>5839721
>>5840064
That's the real Erika...when she is still pretending to be a good girl

>>5840107
How about her then? She looks older and less generic.

I'd hit it like the fist of an angry God

>>5840155
She still looks like a generic bitch.

Reading Episode 1 after 6 makes everything a lot clearer

>>5840588
We are all the Erika.

>>5840600
>>5840588

Guess we'll never know how his life with Erika would really look ;_;

>>5841092
You think that's kinky?

>>5841092
You think that's kinky?

>He can't swim in a storm!

Hahaha, what a wimp.

>>5841306
Feels bad man ;_;

>>5841320
In his defense, he was wearing a heavy collar complete with chain.

>>5841325
wait, why?

>>5841478

Did you read the whole story?

Answer Erika is a bitch

>>5824533
that... that was AWESOME!

Only ONE complain... if Amal was amnesic, why did he called Erika by her name on the second, third page? She hadn't introduced herself yet.


Otherwise, fantastic story. Stephen King made a similar tale of how Hell is NOT eternal physical torture, but possibly the repetition of the worst fear and situations a person can feel.

>>5841696
>if Amal was amnesic, why did he called Erika by her name on the second, third page? She hadn't introduced herself yet.
Yes, that was the plot hole I pointed out at >>5824657 . The whole 'amnesiac extra guest on Rokkenjima' thing was thought up after I wrote the start of the story, and by the time I realized this would be a plot hole, I'd already written it.

>>5841831

It was really good, and it actually stirred my emotions.

Are you taking it easy, Erikafags?

>>5845171
She doesn't seem to be taking it easy...

Erika will never love you.

;_;

UUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH, ERIKA......!! ;_;

/jp/! Prepare yourself! I am going to kill 13 anons so I can revive my beloved Erika...!!

>>5848739
>>5848755

Fellow Erika slaves! I sense no activity from you in the thread! Are you going to let this thread die?!

Erika is like half of my waifu named Rika

>>5849987
Erika is far greater than little girl Rika.

>>5849987
No, Erika is roughly 2.718 times better than Rika.

>>5850016
Where the '.' is the thousands separator, right?

>>5850005
Not realy. Rika have great moe lavel

>>5850028
K-On also have great moe lavel.

>>5850028
But Erika have great moe navel.

>>5850058
>K-on
>moe

You fake Erika slaves...! Superficially, you say you love Erika, but when it comes to something as simple as bumping the Erika thread, all of you remain silent!

Erika is disgusted with your unloyalty!

>>5850849
Well, I was sleeping!

>>5850026
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E_%28mathematical_constant%29

Movin' up.

Good evening, Erika thread, I feel like I haven't seen you in days. This arrived in the mail over the weekend, so it was one of the best weekends I've had in a while.

>>5851883

Oh wow! That's wonderful. I'm jealous.

>>5851883
>trigger discipline
Erika really is perfect~

>>5851883
Cool, you got your mousepad too?
I got this one (can't make a pic tho)

>>5851918

That's nice too! Zepar & Furfur are pretty cool.

>>5851883
>>5851918
This came in today.
I already have a Higurashi one; if I do order another mousepad it'll probably be Umineko or Touhou

>>5851918

Yeah, I was pretty excited over it. A few people posted that their order came without the status ever getting updated, so I knew it was about due to come, but it was still a nice surprise to catch it in the mail.

Still have two more ordered, both Erika mouse pads, but I waited a good ten days or so before I made them.

>>5851959
Yeah, I didn't receive the confirmation.
I had a good surprise =D

And yeah, I'd like a few more too... Probably a Touhou one, but I need to find THE epic picture, and don't know which one.

;_;

Would you let Erika peg you?

>>5855236

>>5855236
Well, would you, /jp/?

>>5855236
Probably

captcha: villains cohere

>>5855236
I wish for it every possible chance

>>5856267
Yes.
Yes, I would.

I would like to point my fellow Erika slaves to the revolution ongoing in >>5854871 . Erika shall be the new ruler of the board!! HAIL ERIKA!!

Pop quiz! Fill in this checklist to see if you are a proper slave for Erika.

[ ] I like Erika
[ ] I think Erika is the best character in Umineko
[ ] I would have kinky sex with Erika
[ ] I would let Erika take out her frustration on me (Please stand, on one leg)
[ ] I would follow Erika's commands like a slave
[ ] I would let Erika peg me
[ ] I would let Erika lock me up for two weeks (leaving you completely at Erika's mercy)
[ ] I would let Erika push a needle through my ballsack
[ ] I would let Erika make me wear a collar with vicious spikes on the inside whenever I'm near her, allowing her to control me
[ ] I would let Erika bind me to a bed and neglect me, only sometimes being used as a toy for Erika's sadistic urges, forever

Every checked item is worth one point!
-If you have less than two points, what are you doing in this thread?
-If you have 2-4 points, you are an apprentice slave. Please continue learning so that you will be a satisfactory slave for Erika.
-If you have 5-7 points, you are a proper slave of Erika's! Please continue to dutifully perform your work to Erika!
-If you have 8 or more points, you are a head slave. You are tasked with the responsibility to make sure the other slaves do their best, and to encourage them to become better slaves. Good luck in performing your task.
-If there is someone among us with 10 points, you are an example for all of us to look up to! Report to Erika-sama in person to receive your reward*. You are a great inspiration to your fellow slaves!

*(Your safety cannot be guaranteed after this point, but at this point, do you even still care?)

[x] I like Erika
[x] I think Erika is the best character in Umineko
[x] I would have kinky sex with Erika
[x] I would let Erika take out her frustration on me (Please stand, on one leg)
[x] I would follow Erika's commands like a slave
[x] I would let Erika peg me
[x] I would let Erika lock me up for two weeks (leaving you completely at Erika's mercy)
[x] I would let Erika push a needle through my ballsack
[x] I would let Erika make me wear a collar with vicious spikes on the inside whenever I'm near her, allowing her to control me
[ ] I would let Erika bind me to a bed and neglect me, only sometimes being used as a toy for Erika's sadistic urges, forever

Score: 9 (head slave)