/jp/ - Otaku Culture

Severely damaged goods, you mean.

More like ugly goods.

The moe is ruined by terrible sentence flow.

The moe is ruined by the zerg creep spreading across her.

Twoface moe

>>2515525
Severely damaged grammar, you mean.

>>2515523
>A huge, huge blush
...
We've got a fucking wordsmith at the helm of writing this. We'll definitely blow the Japs out of the water.

athens moe~

>>2515523
I always liked the idea of a two-face romance myself.

>>2515543
That guy is so awesome.

This thing was a chore to read due to the sentence flow.

I saved my game; I'll finish the demo another time. No PRO REVIEW yet because I couldn't get very far in one sitting.

>>2515548
Well, he is pretty much a bipolar woman with a gun in the comics.

Rin is the only decent character, sorry faggots. Hanako and Shizune are the worst.

>>2515554

>No PRO REVIEW yet

But nobody cares what you think...

>>2515554
ZUN, nobody cares what you think.

Criticism is tough to take, isn't it dev team?

>>2515563
>Rin had the best writer, sorry faggots.
Fixed

>>2515582
I've yet to hear criticism. Just bitching.

A huge, huge blistering pus-oozing rash spreads on Hanako's face and her right eye reddens and swells far large than I thought it was possible for eyes to do.

>>2515582
1. You're fucking paranoid whenever someone criticises you.
2. There's been other criticism which they haven't rubbished.

You just have a persecution complex.

>>2515588
fap fap fap fap fap

As the first time I've ever played a VN in English, I found it flowed just fine. Good production values for a free title, too.

But apparently it's not exactly representative of the free English-language VNs scene.

awesome game, can't wait for the full version.

Rin, grandmaster of footjobs

They definitely should have had a few private alpha/beta releases before this. Consistency? Fuck that shit.

>>2515588
I would lovingly clean and disinfect Hanako's pus-filled wounds.

are any of the girls under age

>>2515601
>They definitely should have had a few private alpha/beta releases before this
They did.

>>2515607
ALL CHARACTERS IN KATAWA SHOUJO ARE ABOVE 16 YEARS OF AGE.

>>2515608
To non-idiots, I should have specified.

>>2515593
There's an english visual novel scene?

It's not like it really matters how it compares to other visual novels anyway. They should at the least give their own work a reading through and correct/reword anything awkward.

>>2515601
>private Alpha
DOn't get me started.

>>2515607
I'd imagine all of them are.

Also, Rin has the best dialogue. No exceptions.

Burn, baby! Burn!

I want to kill Misha then rape Shizune.

No one will ever know.

i'd love to read some sort of outraged feminist review of this

>>2515614
I kind of want to.
Were you involved? Were there any professionals giving input, i.e. in the gaming, film, or literature industries? Who the fuck did they show this to that they allowed it to be released to the public? Was it mostly for bug-solving issues or something?

>>2515635
But this is exactly the sort of shit they should love. A socially outcast group of women being shown as human and empathisable.

>>2515642
They'd still find a way to be up in arms.

>>2515635
Let's send it to Taiga.

>>2515642
Yes, but these women are still, you know, good looking.

>>2515587

How is it "bitching" when multiple people are saying that the reading the game is like climbing a mountain? This is something than can be fixed very easily: just cut down the overly grandiose writing and have your team take it easy. It's like your writers are biting off more than they can chew with each line. Then again, I think we all can agree that this is something that plagues a lot of amateur writers.

>>2515589

Suddenly we're talking about me and not your game anymore? C'mon KS dev team, I expect more from you than this. I honestly want to see you guys pump out something memorable and not something mediocre.

>>2515660
For the last time, why the hell do you assume everyone's a goddamn developer?

>>2515666

would anybody else bother trying to defend the guys who wrote that script?

>>2515666
Remember that sankakucomplex article that said it's developed by 4chan? Yeah.

The expectations.... very..... strong.....

>>2515673
We're not defending the script, we're destroying Zun!bar's ego.

>>2515635
I want to read Seung Park's analysis of this

>>2515641
Wow, you certainly have a high estimation of the dev team.
Frankly, the only "professional" ANYTHING associated with the project was a professional software tester, which don't mean anything.

The private builds were for script-checking only, prettymuch.

>>2515660
America: Reading is for FAGGOTS!

>>2515660
>overly grandiose writing
Truth.
I could tell that the writing was going to end up this way before I even started, because the devs are calling it their "magnum opus"
Once I dug in, sure enough....

>>2515690
doesn't you mean

>>2515690
That's really too bad. They should look into expanding their team a bit then.

The script's fairly generic for the heavy subject-matter the writers are dealing with. I hope this is fleshed out more in the later chapters. Just don't impose stupid drama shit, like, "HURR, LILLY VS. SHIZUNE".

>>2515700
Sorry, I tend to let slang grammar creep into my typing late at night

>>2515641
We have a real life nurse on board to check that the medical stuff is more or less correct. Apart from that, nobody is professional in the field they work on for the project, and we haven't had any outsider consultation either.

I'm a professional software tester!

And I agree; it doesn't mean anything. For a start, this is a goddamn VN, not an application with actual unpredictable execution paths.

I thought that the overly grandiose prose was a parody of Nasu. In fact I think pretty much every part of this VN is a parody of other VN's.

But I agree that the text could use some condensing, cutting some of the excess pondering and pointless metaphors. About 10-15% of the text should go.

I'd give some specific examples but I'm lazy.

>>2515701
>They should look into expanding their team a bit then.
Joke, right?

>>2515690

Meh, even if there are no 'professionals' working on it, it's still worth it to have a bunch of people read through and point out what sounds awkward, and discuss it with the writers.

Also, professionals suck anyways, getting paid to do your job doesn't make you good at it. To use video games as an example, look at Gears of War 2's multiplayer, playing it is akin to rubbing glass into my eyeballs. The money they throw those assholes certainly didn't magically fix the bugs.

Effort and time is everything, if it's awkward, reword it; your selling point is your prose. If that can't draw anyone in, this won't get the recognition it deserves. People are assholes, but this can either be a 'pretty good fan game' or a 'fucking great VN for free'.

>>2515613
Well, there was Scarred (much shorter, kinda same theme but more directly based on nurse-kun)
I really ought to get around to reading that.

>>2515709
>pointless metaphors
Fuck you, they're awesome.

they should definitely look into expanding their team or this game won't ever have the manpower to get them the money they want

>>2515717
We don't want money. At all.

>>2515712
Yes yes, of course we have editors, but they are amateurs just like the writers are. You talk as if professional or equally competent editors who want to edit hundreds of thousands of words of cripple datan game for no money grow on trees.

This writing sounds like something I'd've written

... in middle school

It sure is constructive criticism around here

>>2515712
I don't think anybody but pets of the Dev team ever got to see anything beyond Act 1, but Act 1 was gone over with a fine tooth comb a dozen times, and that's exactly why there's so much ponderous writing-- each "awkward" section was gone over and made to "sound good".
So instead of developing a normal writing flow, it's actually hammered together from a bunch of other people's ideas on what should sound good.

I think the game is written just fine so far. I mean, sure, it could be better, but it WORKS (Dunno what zun!bar was talking about; I didn't find it a chore to read at all) and honestly, people are reading this for the situational stuff, not the prose.

>>2515724

Hah, I'm sorry. I always have this misconception that the average person's level of literacy is much, much higher than it actually is. I always think the average person can spell correctly and spot typos, when it's actually not all that common.

In any case, keep it up. I haven't had the time to read what you've put out thus far, but it's nice to see someone developing something like this as a fan.

>>2515706
In during someone on the dev team's mom -- who happens to be a nurse -- verified if something is actually a medical condition or not.

>>2515717
Why do you assume they're looking for money? It was mentioned that the full release will be free download game.

Whether a product is made by commercial/paid professional compared to passionate amateurs doesn't matter when it comes for us to judge its production value.

Well, _I_ like the writing, and that's what's important.

Everyone else is just comlaining for the sake of complaining.

Either that or they just have a different aesthetic opinion to me.

>>2515523
>A huge, huge blush spreads on Hanako's face and her eyes widen far larger than I thought it was possible for eyes to do.

Wow. Whoever's writing this had better be 14.

>>2515737
Well, I don't think there are all too many typos left in the release, and the grammar should be reasonably all right too. However, an excellent editor is one who can go beyond that and actually make the text sound better, not just fix the obvious errors that a middleschooler could spot.

>>2515748
me again.

sorry. I had no idea this entire thread is full of the same disgust I expressed in my post.
To be honest, I find it kind of funny.

sage for me.

>>2515741
What. You'd judge the latest multimillion-budgeted hollywood action movie on the same scale as some homemade amateur flick? What planet do you come from?

I think that the complaints come from people having a different frame of reference in mind. Katawa Shoujo's writing is about on par with any of the translated VN's and if that's what you expected, you don't have a problem with it.

However, those other VN's are _clumsily translated from a foreign language_. Cripple Girl, as a native English game, shouldn't be on their level, it should be vastly better.

The real question is if they'll take any of the feedback into consideration.
I can't think of any place that cares more about VN shit than here, so there's a chance the feedback is well founded.
I haven't played it myself, waiting for the full release, so I have nothing to add. But I have been watching the project since it started and it has a long history of indignation followed by ignoring any constructive criticism.

>>2515760
So books written in English should be automatically vastly better than books translated from other languages to English?

>>2515741
>Whether a product is made by commercial/paid professional compared to passionate amateurs doesn't matter when it comes for us to judge its production value.
>production value.

You mean quality. Production values will obviously be lower for any game that has less money spent on it, this is the definition of "production values": how much money was spent on it. Quality is something entirely different and does not require money.

>>2515764

Well, DUH. A book written by a native English writer should obviously be vastly better than a _poor quality translation_ of a foreign book.

I've underlined the part you may be confused about.

Not better, naturally, but the quality of the writing should be higher.

Like I said, people aren't playing this for the prose (if you are what is wrong with you) though, so it shouldn't matter that much.

>>2515760

This is it right here. Thank you Anon for putting it so simply.

Very polite sage.

Isn't this a matter of style/preference? I don't like it much, but I could see why others might.

Sweet Jesus, I would re-write this for them since I'm a huge literaturefag, but the thought of meeting other /jp/edos....Fuck that.

>>2515761
Yeah, of course we do consider critique if it's sound, thought out and feasible to work on. However even the people who give crit that is somewhat constructive usually either don't work out their thoughts enough or have no idea what we can do and what we can't.

Also "ignoring constructive criticism". The public hasn't had much to critique on before yesterday's release, right? I wonder what you are talking about, as I can't ever recall getting serious critique on anything. Not to mention that just because someone gives some crit it doesn't mean they are right.

>>2515792
Same here.

But, eh, if it's for the good of anons everywhere... might as well take on the burden. I don't have anything else to do anyway

>>2515792
Meeting? wat

>>2515792
>>2515798
Pretty sure they won't be getting rid of their current writers when they already have tangible results.

>>2515798
Sure chief. Rewrite the entire script of the demo and go show it to them. I'm sure they'll happily stick it in the game.

>>2515792

You don't need to meet them physically, the team is split all over the world and communicates through the interwebs.

>>2515804
it wouldn't be a complete overhaul, just cutting out the excessively verbose bullshit and in general making sentences flow more smoothly

>>2515523

JESUS CHRIST, FIX THE WRITING.

FUCKING SHIT, MAKE YOUR SENTENCES FUCKING SIMPLE.

Don't fucking listen to anybody in this thread, except me.

>>2515819

>>2515819

AWWWW!

Poor anon can't cope with any sentences more complicated that "See Spot! See Spot run!"

wtf

>>2515834
Slowpoke is slooooooow.

>>2515834
Needs more blue-haired girl with ahoge, mole, and :3 face.

>>2515834
Artist, get fucking rid of that. If you want to make a reference, just draw somebody that looks like him like with the genderswapped Haruhi, don't copypaste. It's jarring and ugly.

>>2515842
And legally dubious.

>>2515830
>>2515833

But adding hilariously written filler in between sentences to make it longer and sound pretentious is fine?

Ha ha, oh wow.

>>2515830

No, I actually recommend this book. Helped me ace my essays in college easy.

Is the OP shopped that is too terrible to believe

>>2515977
No, but to be honest I pretty much SCANNED this trial at the speed of light and didn't even notice anything at all up with the quote. Maybe this is how you're supposed to read Katawa Shoujo.

>>2515857
No wonder /jp/ loves shit that Nasu writes so much.

>>2515869
Download link?

I mean, I'm not THAT opposed to paying for books-- but it does require going outside. Or placing an order and having to wait an extended period of time for it to get shipped to my door.

>>2515987
Actually, nvm, I seem to have found a rapidshare.

THE WORST PART OF KS

>>2515869
'The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction'

How would this help KS, exactly?

>>2515869
KS is based on a true story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

>freeware vn
>/jp/ could have done it better

Oh yeah.

>>2515834
Kyon isn't genderswapped. Fail.

>>2515830
>>2515833

The problem is redundancy, not complexity.

>>2516034
Well said. Perfectly succinct.

>>2516002

>>2516056
>>2516002
I'm not enough of an artfag to understand the punchline here.

>>2515833

You are a huge, huge moron

>>2516084

Actually no, I'm just trolling.

This is what 4chan has done to me: Turned me into a troll, the lowest form of life.

DAMN YOU 4CHAAAAAANNNNNN!

>>2516112

If I must be honest, I consider the writing to be generally good, but with occasional awkwardness, like OP's picture.

>>2516112

>>2516115

Likewise, got around to reading it today, it's enjoyable, if at times a bit long winded. Those times are few and far between, though.

>>2516034

You don't need to pay shit for editors, by the way. I can tell you exactly what's wrong with just two examples in this thread.

First, >>2515523

You probably already know this, but it is never okay to write something like "huge, huge" unless you are writing the dialogue for a child. Decide whether the blush can be accurately described with a single "huge" or, if the word just isn't sufficient for the feeling you want to communicate, use a different word. Words aren't numbers, they don't add up if you pile them on top of each other!

Although you might want to use another word, I personally would call into question the whole approach of referring to the blush itself as a noun. While not technically wrong, it doesn't do justice to the act of blushing. It's a subtlety that deserves more than a direct, matter-of-fact observation. Even "A huge blush spreads on her face" is, to be honest, a bare-bones statement. How about "Her cheeks flush red," or something similar? The whole thing that makes blushing cute is that the blushee usually doesn't realize the state of their appearance. I can't think of any other way to describe than emotional nudity.

>>2516141

Another thing to consider is whether it is necessary at all to describe a reaction that has been shown with art. A degree of description can help in a VN at times but it's not wrong to rely on the imagery. You can set a faster pace by allowing certain details to be seen, rather than read.

And finally, this description could have come from a third person, and it sounds like it did. My understanding is that this VN is being narrated by its leading male character. In a first person narrative, it is not always necessary to describe things directly as they are. You can probably get away with not describing something the narrator encounters at all, by instead describing his reaction or train of thought. For example, your protagonist could have highlighted the blush with a bit of internal dialogue, like "Wow, that really got to her. Her cheeks are bright red, and I didn't think it was possible for a girl to open her eyes that wide."

>>2516145

To use the second example, >>2515715

Here we have one small problem and one large problem. The large problem is easy to fix. The whole second sentence is nothing but a reiteration of the phrase "Talking with Rin is like". You have already established that you are using an analogy. When you punctuate the analogy with a sentence that again highlights it as an analogy, you almost make it look like you forgot that you already pointed it out in the first sentence.

The second, smaller problem, is with the redundant use of the word "chess." The problem is you can't just change the second instance to the pronoun "it" because there are other nouns in the sentence that such a pronoun could also refer to. I would suggest replacing the second "chess" with "the game."

You're forgetting that the script writers are judging their self-worth by script length/wordcount, though.

>>2516165

It's an easy crutch to develop, normally because school requirements and teachers reward students for fulfilling large quantity quotas in essays.

Posting on 4chan is a good way to purge yourself of that ridiculous habit.

>>2516174
Which they probably do, considering the name of their "studio".

>>2516174

I had a teacher once who refused to give word counts for essays, only a minimum number of peer-reviewed sources.

I really liked that teacher

>>2516174
Is that even Rin? Looks like Ryougi to me.

>>2516195

I dunno. I picked it up from 4chan, labeled as alternative art.

The writing could use some fixing. Like others have said, it doesn't flow.

I'd lick her scars.

Having just started the demo, I have to say it isn't nearly as bad as the examples in this thread led me to believe. It's actually just the occasional hiccup, really. Hardly noticeable.

Of course that could also be because I figured there'd be a lot of problems and the actual VN is beating my expectations.

Playing chess with y...you was really fun.

>>2516337
I want to yell, "CHECKMATE BITCH" really loudly in her face and rape her.

I was pleasantly surprised, but mostly because my previous experience with original English language VN works has lead me to believe that the entire community is somehow set up to foster a lack of quality.

>>2516350

>>2516359
I want to whisper sweet nothings into her ear, and cradle her gently.

>>2516373

>>2516352
Your understanding is entirely correct, but KS project is outside of the rest of the community. In fact they have made two other VNs previously just to troll the OELVN community.

>>2516376
You know you want it too!

The game has a lot of potential for some extremely brutal rape hentai.

>>2516391

Holy shit, why are the student council girls so insistent? You'd think they'd have given up after the second "no."

What, does Shizune have a crush on Hisao right from the start? D'aw.

>>2516394
It's no use hiding your beauty.

>>2516401

It's because the student council has no members.

I like how almost everyone bitching ITT admits they have not actually played them game, like advice-Rin above.

>>2516401
Shizune is such a fucking bitch that nobody else wants to join the student council so she's had to resort to trying to trick new students into joining it through deceit and aggressive persistence.

>>2516337
>>2516359
Please don't do this.

>>2516406

Text is text. Whether you're playing the VN or looking at a screenshot doesn't matter if all you're doing is commenting on sentence structure.

Where's the love for Chiyo-chan

>>2516470

How the hell is she supposed to give a decent footjob with those things? Or wear stockings?

>>2516443
Except screenshots are static, have no mood music or SFX ongoing as you read, nevermind sprites moving or changing, all of which impact on the effect, presence or absence of text.

I suggest you do at least try the demo before judging it further.

>>2516483
Actually, all of those things don't affect sentence flow.

That screenshot is a bit awkward, but I liked most of the dialog as a whole. I was surprised how I didn't even notice it most of the time. Looking at older screens from the leak, it seems like it used to be terrible. But what do I know. I dunno about some people but I had no trouble, the text didn't stick out at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with a few metaphors and such.

Also "magnum opus" was clearly a sarcastic jab, dudes.

>>2516480
Takes them forks off and gives you a stub job

So, how would one of you rewrite the sentence in OP? I'm genuinely curious.

Except it's not really representative, since those are merely particularly bad examples from a demo containing thousands and thousands of textboxes.

I mean, while I could take about 200-300 screenshots showing incredibly poor writing from the commercial eroge Devils Devel Concept, it wouldn't be particularly entertaining, would it?

>>2515543
normalfags would be salivating at burning this fucker on the stake.

Boy, am I glad this isn't popular enoughh yet. :D

>>2516505
Except disliking a small part doesn't mean disliking the whole thing. You really need to stop taking people's complaint to heart. Even if the game as a whole is good, it doesn't make the bad parts any less bad and people tend to complain about things they don't like.

It's strange. It's in English, yet at the same time I can barely read it.

>>2516504
"A large blush spreads across Hanako's face, with her eyes widening larger than I thought possible."

>796x599
>796x599
>796x599
>801x602

GET YOUR SCREENSHOT PROGRAM RIGHT.
IT'S 800x600.

Also, caps lock.

Text and all, I like this game.

I'd do differently if it was mine, but I'm too lazy and untalented to do anything.

>>2516556
I think he uses paint, bro.

FINAL DESTINATION!

>>2516556
>SCREENSHOT
>PROGRAM

Wat

>>2516564
Please don't say you are lazy.

>>2516589
だって本当はＣＲＡＺＹ

>>2516589
Datte hontou wa crazy~♪

>>2516394
Why is she bothering to hide her disfigured face with her disfigured hand?

>>2516596
>>2516598
slutmind.
3DCG, WHERE IS MY HIME CUT?

>>2516609
I didn't know 3DCG had a futa option, bro.

Why the hell does her burn look like the warp is overtaking her? Burn tissue is this sickly pale white shit that looks as if its been stretched over the wound.

>>2516609
Your 3D Mio looks like she's packing heat, if you know what I mean.

>>2516622
That's because the warp is moe. It's part of her appeal.

>>2516618
How could you not know? It was one of the first things I got for it

I'D FUCKING BUY THIS SHIT

>>2516622
Mine are dark, sometimes purple....
Of course, there's all of 2 inches square of scar

>>2516641
That doesn't sound natural at all.

>>2516622
Burn scars look different depending on the type of burn actually.

>>2516641
Well, this is more awesome than I expected, downloading now.

>>2516644
Rin herself doesn't "sound natural".
Stop badmouthing mai waifu.

>>2516643
Mine is just slightly darker than the rest of my skin. Then again, it had several years to heal.

>>2516643
My burn scar is only slightly darker than the rest of my skin. Then again, it had several years to heal.

A burn scar I have looks like Flesh Camo, it alternates between darker and lighter than the surrounding flesh.

I can't wait for the diaper scene.

>>2516660
Mine are temperature sensitive-- they get darker in the cold.

Emi/Rin
Lilly/Hanako
Misha/Shizune

This game is filled with potential yuri

>>2516664
You.....you....
DOUBLE DIAPERFAG

>>2516644
>>2516653

I haven't met Rin yet, but I'm not going to assume her character doesn't just have an unusual manner of speech. It is in her character's description that she's a bit of an oddball.

>>2516721
Congratulations, detective.

>>2516641

AWESOME

>deciduous
Uninstalled.

Hanako's face looks like a great place to build a Zerg stronghold.

>>2516641
How the hell does a girl with no arms deal with her period.
I'm going to be wondering this for the rest of my life.

>>2516817

She inserts a tampon with her toes.

>>2516817
Emi helps her.

>>2516825

Fuck, now I'm hard again.

I think I am going to fap to Hanako.

I think I am going to do it right now.

>>2516802
You are not a Corean, silly anon.

>>2516825
Final release better have a scene where she masturbates using her feet.

>>2516846

I think it'd be more natural to have her grind against something, awkwardly.

But either suggestion works, really.

There is fucking in this game, right?

I don't understand this thread, I thought the game text was a lot better than most translated VNs I've played, and the argument that "it's in its native language so it should be a shakespearean work of art" seems a little naive to me.

>>2516857
I hadn't thought of that, makes more sense.

I was actually sort of wondering because of MC's heart problem. Are the h-scenes going to have some bad ends? Having a heart attack midway though sex would kind of suck.

>>2516900
Don't forget the erectile dysfunction from the drugs.

>>2516887
It's not about being a Shakespearean work of art, it's about having a basic grasp of when to use words like `it.'

>>2516900

Every H-scene is a bad end.

>>2516876

Not in the demo. The full game should contain fully crippled sex scenes.

I liked the writing. The "grandiose prose" didn't bother me much and I liked most of the sentences the majority here seems to dislike. That might be because I actually talk like that, though.

Also, Rin and Kenji remind me of a classmate of mine. He was awesome.

>>2517022

He was an armless, blind hermaphrodite? Sounds like a person I'd like to sex.

Fixed.

>>2517022
No, he had one almost blind eye, was slightly paranoid (though I guess he just acted like that) and conversations with him were always amusingly weird.
I kind of miss him now.

>>2517069

What font did you use for that? You should probably make the text a bit more grey.

>>2517090
Comic Sans MS. It was two minutes in paint.
I can try harder if you like.

Here it is with more grey. A little.

>>2517133

You probably should have bolded it but it's not like I can be assed to correct it so I am hardly in a position to complain