/jp/ - Otaku Culture

I am not really living for anything anymore but to keep my loved ones from being sad.

I have been an emotional wreck for well over a decade, had suicidal thoughts since I was 9 or 10, have been diagnosed with and in therapy because of OCDs, depression, and mild psychotic issues. I've tried to kill myself and failed and I might have killed someone in one of my episodes. I never confirmed it.

I force myself to smile a lot and no one seems to even be able to tell the difference anymore. When I laugh, people immediately think that things are going better for me. Even my close friends are now unable to tell when something is wrong unless I break doen crying, but even then I feel like I shouldn't bother them, so I keep pretending. I regularly have nightmares that I want to prevent so badly that I stay awake for too long and drink alcohol because it keeps me from dreaming sometimes.
I love my hobbies, but since I hate myself and life, it doesn't feel as though they can keep me alive.
The worst is that there are people looking up to me. People keep complementing my skills, my physique, and seem to think that I am an accomplished person. I wonder how long it will take for my little sister to realize that her big brother is actually not strong or talented, but weak. Thinking about how my death would break her heart makes me shake all over and I am crying as I type this. But I don't know how long I can guilt-trip myself into keeping on. I am just an aggressive, hateful guy filled with irrational disgust for so many things, and I loathe myself.

Today is my birthday and I am spending it alone, drinking and reading through the jay, and this thread filled with people with problems similar to my own, or those strong enough to have overcome them.

I hope you all have a great life and find something that makes you happy/stay happy.