Nothing gives me joy anymore. I try to do things and they all feel like futile efforts. I was learning Japanese (on Duolingo, yeah I know, better than nothing), jerking off once a week at most, and was feeling okish for the first ti me in years, and then someone close to me suddenly dies. I'm just going with the flow now. Don't care anymore because i take efforts and they amount to nothing, I think so hard on decisions and i still end up taking the wrong ones. Today was slightly better, i stayed away from my phone all day. I was on the computer yes but it is better than doing nothing on the phone. But in general, im fucked.