/jp/ - Otaku Culture

I am getting married soon. I am happy with it but most of the time I am depressed because my brain is fucked and I hate myself. I consider killing myself at least twice a month but I will never do it unless my significant other dies before me. Sometimes I just pretend to not be depressed. But when I browse at night it all comes back. All of it. It kinda kills me inside knowing I can't be happy even if I have got everything I wanted. There is nothing else I want to do. I feel like I am just lingering arround internet and this hobby for no reason at all, just because I have been doing it for years, out of habit.

I wonder if this hobby helped me to feel like this or I just feel like this because I am supposed to and the hobby is just a consequence. I will never know.