/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>45073503 (5/5—p3)
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Her eyes close, and a million thoughts go through my head as I watch Ms. Reimu breathe in and breathe out: Was this right? Would this help? She's mad; should I say I'm sorry? Why did I do this? What did I expect? I should leave—all thoughts vanished as she opened her eyes, elbow on the table, resting the cheek on her hand. Her eyes were still dead, but she smiled anyway. Resignation. “I thought a lot about that, even before Ran came and helped me get to the answer.”

I held my breath, heart pounding, expecting a motive, a reasonable 'why'…

“I'm just an awful person. Even now, doing all I'm doing, nothing has changed.” Ms. Reimu said those words as if ultimate truth. “The things I did to Hana and Anon, I did with an iron fist, thinking only how to never lose them… I loved and lost them the same way.” I… really couldn't process it straight. It can't be that simple; there must be something more, something she's hiding— “Chen,” she called me, the free hand reaching for my face and wiping away stranded tears. “Don't do this to yourself. Anon tried, again and again, to seek something good in me, and though he found it once and gave it form in Hana, keep on going will only hurt you. I'm lost.”

This wasn't the answer I was looking for. I'm crying harder. “B-But… You're trying to change, r-right? You said yourself—I-I saw it with my eyes—”

“It's not the first time.” Her tone was one of soothing patience, even though her words broke my heart. “I've tried to change before—when Hana was born; when I first hit Anon so hard that he cried. I tried, but I never succeeded—it won't be any different this time,” her eyes shone a bit. “Yet, I know that now. I know I won't change; I know that someday my resolve will break… That's why I'm repairing the shrine, steeling myself to ask Anon and Hana for forgiveness. It'll be the last time I do that—so our last memories of each other will be of happiness, not of the… abuse.”

It clicked. I wish it hadn't.

The dead eyes, the casual tones of those words… It was as if the world had stopped, and all that remained was us. This sad finally has a name, and it's crushing: “You… are going to kill yourself.” It wasn't a question.

Ms. Reimu looked at me, silent… Then she withdrew her hand, picked up the tray and teacups, turned, and went to the counter.

I was speechless, body frozen all over, eyes wide, feeling dizzy. I… never saw death, much less was confronted by it. It's such a supernatural concept. And Ms. Reimu just quietly admitted that she, the human with such a short lifespan, will take her own life. “Y-Y—”

“I'll float over reality, Chen,” she cut in, her back to me. “Over Gensokyo; over Earth, the solar system and the stars… I'll go somewhere far away, where I won’t hurt the people I love anymore—but don't worry: It'll be painless.”

Rage filled me like never before. What are those words? Painless? So what if it'll be painless?! Unable to control the growing wrath, I got up and bashed my open hands on the kotatsu, breaking it apart, my eyes on her and features twisted, tails bushy. Ms. Reimu wasn't affected. “YOU CAN'T DO THAT—” I sniffed, voice cracking. “—y-you can't…”

“It's for the best.”

“IT'S-s not—!” I tried to shout, but my throat hurt, and the tears are just so hot they're burning my face—

Two gentle hands caught my shoulders, and I looked at her—kneeled in front of me—with eyes so broad and perplexity so palpable it hurts, it hurts, it hurts… Ms. Reimu smiled softly, her hands holding me like Ran's when I was tiny. “I'm tired, Chen.” Her smile didn't falter, but her eyes… “I'm so very tired of waking up every day and remembering what I did to my family—that before I even notice, that person I was will be back… Death is what gives short human lives meaning: to know your days are numbered, your time is little… I won't have a better chance to make things right than this one, Chen. Then, I'll go to a better place and have my last memories here be good memories—is that asking for too much?” Her words sounded like another language, and… How? How can she talk about dying like it's freedom?

And it was all said with a smile, dead eyes glistening… Yet she was also crying. Ms. Reimu is afraid—of returning to the person she was? Of death?

I couldn't tell, but her words—“don't end up like me”—echoed like gongs and, at this moment, I felt like I had a choice:

I looked at the miko in front of me talking about her funeral as if it were the only way to escape a waking nightmare.

I looked at Hakurei Reimu and her many sins and regrets…

… Then, I looked at Ms. Reimu and her pained, kind smile.

I could hug her, cry, be a child, and let this be—

I remembered Mr. Anon's words about how hiding things hurts the people you love; Ms. Kogasa's smile and her words of forgiveness; Ran's arms and her words of rage, yet of understanding…

Yukari's cold gaze…

—or I could do something.

“Mr. Anon…” She frowned, confused. “He misses you.”

… Her eyes didn’t look as dead.