/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>45039622
(4/5)
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Ran and Tetsu left some minutes ago, a gap in the background my fast ticket back home. The night was cold and the Moon big, but today I, Chen—hi!—came prepared with gloves, a sweater, and warmers for my tails and forearms, feeling all cozy—even so, Ms. Reimu tried to return the scarf, which I refused. Again, I sit next to her, watching as she meditates, my hands working two needles as if second nature, two thick skeins of red and white coloration on my lap.

The moonlight shines above, skies clear, Ms. Reimu in complete silence, and the forest creaks with the sounds of nature… It's peaceful—

—until it is not.

A little groan comes from Ms. Reimu, imperceptible to people without big ears, and I turn to her, puzzled as her frown creases slightly, nails sinking into her faded clothes, muscles tensing, and I don't need to think too hard to understand that whatever she's feeling is bad. Releasing one of the needles, I gently place my hand on Ms. Reimu's left one, her eyes jerking open and her body tense like a rod, silver eyes painted with something… otherworldly.

The only way I can define it is as a bottomless rage.

It lasts two moments, eyes wide and burning like the pits of Hell, before the fury dissipates into thin air. Suddenly, she doesn't seem as monolithically strong as she was just a moment ago; her skin is sickly pale, and the smell of sweat emanates from the back of her head.

"I'm sorry, Chen, I—" She tried, but didn't seem capable of finding the right words.

"… You were angry."

She nods, slowly. "Yes." Her eyes close in thought, and it takes few deep breathing before she can utter, sinking her chin in the scarf, "… I was angry at myself."

My ears drop immediately, needles forgotten, frown creased. "What…?"

"I have many sins, Chen." It was said as if set in stone, and my heart drummed. "And none can be blamed on the world, on circumstances—I can only blame myself for them…" Her face contorted with bitterness. "Yet, my mind still tries to give excuses, ignore reality, and recede back to the monster I was… Because being a monster, even though hurtful… is much easier."

H-Huh?! My eyes broaden, tails fall, spine shivers, and my belly is consumed by a cold not even Mr. Anon's knitted love can dispel. "B-But… Ms. Yukari said you were sick! Has a mental problem and—"

A sweet, but calloused, hardened hand brushes my cheek, and I feel like crying when our eyes meet: behind her pupils, a crushing sad, yet in her face a smile of many stories. "No. There's no mental problem, no illness. There's no power beyond my control that commanded me to do the things I did, Chen—only myself." She withdraws her hand, and stares at the stars. "My powers can level mountains. One bad day, and I can devastate Gensokyo beyond repair… Still, for my entire life, I've been weak. I relied on these powers for everything, and it's no surprise that they—applied to everything by these frail hands—destroyed all I loved."

I'm crying, yet my hands work the needles, giving life and shape to the threads. That's why she meditates so much? To keep all that inside without letting other people see? I remember when I did that, and it took only five days before I was crying in Ran's arms…

Her hand reaches me again, this time pulling my hat down, a small giggle echoing, "Don't cry for me, Chen. These things I've said… They're in my past, and I'm trying to move past them, make up for them—all for Anon and Hana, my family. If they accept my words and forgive my sins, then I, well…" There's a weird smile on her face that whispers bad omens. I don't understand it. "I can die happy!"

Her words don't make me feel better, and my mind rushes. What is this sad? It's so different from all the people I know… I simply don't know what I should do. Should I do anything to begin with? All those smiles, those affirmations, the unburdened feeling of her words—as if the 'sins' that crawl on her back are not even there, even though her eyes of pure rage before say otherwise.

My crying doesn't end, and, sighing, Ms. Reimu gets closer and hugs me with just one arm, pulling my face to her chest.

I don't understand, yet I have this consuming feeling in my heart, like a black hole—the weird thing Ran explained once—sucking everything. I hear her own heart, how it beats, how her blood courses, how warm is her hug…

All join to form a wall in my throat, forbidding a single, frightening question from coming out: ‘What are your sins?’

"There, there…" Fondly, she kisses one of my ears, and I feel my tears thickening. "You're gonna grow big someday, Chen, and even if I don't know much of you, I'm certain you're gonna be strong—in power and in mind, something I could never be—but don't take it for granted. Strive for it. Being good can be effortless," my mind goes to Mr. Anon. "But being good and powerful is a challenge: power corrupts… Absolute power corrupts absolutely." Then, to Yukari. Reimu is still smiling. "… Just don't end like me, okay?"