/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>13064861
You kinda jump into the sex scene without doing any build-up, I think. It's all sorta chaste and adventure-quest orientated and then suddenly Paul's raping an undine.

My suggestion for improvement is to sort of have a sexy undercurrent you get it? Current? 'Cos they're water-monsters. Ahahaha-eh... building up before it gets to actual sexy times. Maybe tease the reader by having Melody try to seduce Paul when they first meet, rather than try to water-blast him. And put in more description about "her slick, slimy blue breasts, heaving like the ocean as she gulped down surprised breaths. As she flexed her strange, webbed hands uncertainly, Paul couldn't help wonder how they'd feel gripping him intimately...", etc, etc. That way I'd be ready and eager for sexy times, as opposed to being more surprised than aroused at the sudden rapey volt-farce.

Hope that was useful rather than dickish critique, I'll keep reading if there's more anyway