/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>45989060 (3/3—p7)
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I was at a loss for words.

My breath hitches and my heart feels heavy, like a cauldron full of lead. He knew… And he still said all those things. A piercing pain pumps inside my veins, hot and frustrating. Our gazes remain on one another's, his calm and collected, and, reflecting on those eyes, I could see mine: full of despair and rage, hands holding our beautiful little world growing inside of me.

The room was dark, the cold outside growing with the death of the sun. We were nude—mind and body—, a meter between us.

Anon supports a forearm on top of his knee, ruminating to himself before continuing, “Before you hit Chen, you… You looked like Reimu. Tense and lost inside your own mind, yet clutching your belly like an anchor…” The same crushing longing I would get from staring at the tall Saigyou Ayakashi flashes inside his eyes, and then a well of experience-driven sadness rises there. “… You think the baby will solve everything, like Reimu did. You'll hold it in your arms, look in its eyes and say, 'today, I'll change for the better'… Like Reimu di—”

“I'm not Reimu!” I spit out, body trembling and not from cold, voice lacking the elegant bite it usually has, dumbfoundedness towards the situation permeating deep; denied like that, played as if a toy… The nearly lifeless blonde hair, the angry purple eyes, and the tears that fall all testify to my excruciating pain. “That woman never had the will to do any good with her miserable life, but I do! I did everything around me so my family's life; Gensokyo could be safe! It was a hell of clowns dancing for the likes of Okina, the Moriyans, and the Buddhists—their religions selling peace and prosperity, yet doing nothing to change the obvious faults that riddled EVERY single nook and cranny of Gensokyo! They weren't there to stop incarnated death when nuclear bombs fell on our walls; to save Yuyuko when she had to commit suicide to stop that cursed tree; or Ren… Or when a wolf dressed as a sheep tortured a man and his daughter—but I took action! And things are now better, despite my shortcomings! I gave my all, by myself, to the Gensokyo I love!” My rage came out in thick tears, teeth bared. “… And everything I did, every greedy person and rabid youkai I killed, I did it for the hope someday my family—”

“You did it for yourself.” His voice cut like a sharp sword, calmness fading and giving way to… pity. Pity. He was feeling pity for me—or for our baby, our world? “You don't care about Gensokyo or about my marriage with Reimu—you don't even love me, Yukari… But you do love yourself a lot; you love attention, good or bad; love when people remember you exist…” No, those are lies, I-I… “And I understand it. I truly do.” Tearful thoughts are immediately cut when his own tears resume, shaking his head. “You've been lonely for very long, haven't you? Carried a lot of weight on those shoulders for very long too… Even when you are surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for you, you still feel alone. Yet, those words from just now... There was a time when you didn't feel alone.” He sighs, a shadow of sorrow there. “… A time when you loved too much.”

My hands trembled, begging me to just create Gaps and shut him up—explode his head if necessary…

… Those words, that pity…

Naked in this dark, cold caricature of erected lies, being bombarded by words that made my heart bleed… I've never hurt so much.

“But it was all taken away—someway, somehow—and you've never found a good way to deal with it, and so the HSE was created, a place where you meticulously control everything with a million excuses, all so you never, ever lose someone again… Jesus, Yukari, you're so absurd.” He laughs for some reason. I feel weak; his words grinding inside my head. “… After all, despite everything, I still have hope for you—that you can change like Reimu did. How's that even possible?”

…

… I cannot answer, yet my grip on my belly tightens, tears falling. How can he say my love is fake? It's right here, being destroyed, lacerated, and hemorrhaging by his words! Love hurts… It hurts so, so very much. People around me who love and care? He knows nothing. Nothing! You cannot befriend a computer; it’ll always be predictable and simple. Its love is fake and, with the passing of the decades, it becomes more and more clear…

A computer cannot replace true affection. It’s a very lonely relationship.

“… I asked myself the same question when Reimu was pregnant with Hana. How's it even possible that I still want her to change, despite all that she has done to me?” Anon sighs with a bitter smile that, within long, silent seconds, softly fades away into a profound look of nostalgia—

—suddenly, he’d approached, sitting to my side.

He looks forward, not at me; if so, he’d have seen my utter surprise—necessity. “The answer is that I wanted the best for our kid, even if she took after Reimu…” He looks straight into my eyes. “A parent’s sins are never their children’s.”