/jp/ - Otaku Culture

Hello my fellow cutie /jp/sie,

This is something I also wonder myself sometimes. I think it's the curiosity to keep on going? The pain hasn't reached the threshold where I want to go to gensokyo yet. The truth is I had my ups and downs.

My greatest up was in highschool because I felt I had the most freedom. I was getting into fights over stupid shit, taking dad's bike to go on night drives after I got my A-class driving license, etc. I also felt surrounded by friends.

My lowest down was a few years after joining college. I felt isolated and my grades and self-esteem dipped. I was very aloof and for a few years honestly the only thing keeping me sane was joining some random Chinese class i happened to walk into randomly. The two hours a week was the only thing I was looking forward to.

When I was 23 or something my dad had enough of my shit and forced me to get a job. I became a night taxi driver just so I would avoid my family. Hopping into my car when parents come home from work and coming back when they leave again. My diet consisted of donuts and coffee.

In my idle time I borrowed programming books from the library and started studying casually. Figured it was pretty interesting and after enough studying I managed to get an internship. That internship was really rough. I used my savings to pay for gas, ate plain bread for lunch and smoked cigarette butts from coworkers. But this internship helped me land my first stable job. I unfreezed my college classes and grinded them little by little until I finally graduated a year ago.

Nowadays I'm feeling very insecure in myself, macerated in insecurities. What's more important? Progressing my career or using my career as a fuel for other hobbies? After being friendless for so long I do feel lonely.

I asked myself, why am I taking things so seriously? Seriousness is just a symptom for putting too much value on time. Time is worthless if you don't enjoy it. No one regretted on their deathbed that they enjoyed themselves too much. The true thing that makes me feel the happiest is seeing other people be happy and laugh. So currently I'm timidly trying to write jokes for a stand-up number. I'm trying to build the courage to record myself to see how I sound.

It's true that I'm lonely, I'm 31 and I have too many kilograms. But if I learn how to be kind to myself maybe I can surmount those too. A stable hobby would be nice too.

I'm now also buying random crap like C's ware visual novel books, posters and ukiyo-e.

If you read all the way here, thank you so much.