/jp/ - Otaku Culture

Resisting the urge to spew expletives.

The most glaring problem is how many typos you've got in there.

I know it being the sort of story it is, the point of the whole short is in the detail, no story, just the sensation. You do pay some attention to realism.

maybe its just personal preference and my own morals speaking, but I would have rather you described the warehouse/setting/objects more before getting to business.

While I doubt you intended to write a normal story, perhaps you should so you can get more readers, I doubt many read it to begin with, even those replying.

>>7252537

>>7223401
http://www.formspring.me/HermitofVoile

there, happy now?

>>3541748