/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>46387820

A powerlessness crept up her spine in the dark of that room, as did the urge to roll over onto her belly. She shifted again, burrowing back into position as her juban grew tighter around her arms and chest, the friction pulling on her layered sleepwear and threatening to grow restrictive in her mindless rolling. Worst yet, sleep didn’t feel like it was coming easily tonight, the inky black of her room seemed to goad out her musings from earlier. Once again, that deep pit of despair that lived in the bottom of her belly re-opened and threatened to wash her soul in that staggering guilt and regret.

A part of Hana’s mind groaned, she hated nights like this more than anything and screwed her eyes shut tightly as if it would help relax her mind quicker. She knew it was a fool’s errand as flashes of the party, flashes of the meeting, flashes of the last few days, flashes of the last few months, and more little bits and associations began to remake themselves in her mind. The complex emotions of lust and shame formed and tinged her tired thoughts with the realizations made and reaffirmed many times over. Kasen’s torment she helped extend, getting used by Yukari when she trusted her the most, the way her mother seemed so desperate to throw herself away for the mere chance of some sort of redemption…

It was a unique tapestry of grinding regret and crushing pain that danced once more in her head as she flipped her body onto her back with all the fatigue of a kappa on a summertime hike. Her juban seemed to tighten more as the cloth twisted and wrapped around her body further, its too-small size only getting in the way of her sleep more than aiding it. Hana couldn’t help but feel some frustration forming like scum on the top of the bubbling cauldron as the sleepwear tucked into where the buried miko’s body where it met the futon.

Once again, she couldn’t help but see the image form back then, of how desperate she clung to Yukari’s kindness in spite of the real love she received from those she pretended were her judge and jury. How she chose again and again, that dream of a sickly-sweet life where the hollow husk of her father and that spider of a women would love her in ways she could never admit. A life she knew even then would be built on his suffering and her own delusion, yet she believed it was the only way forward for herself. How she played spy on those she should’ve loved the most, nearly revealing all she knew of that weird white haired goddess’s plan, not that Hana could understand what any of the details meant anyways. Speaking of, was she really Alice’s mom? Hana could’ve sworn she heard from Marisa that Alice only really lived in Makai at one point…

Popping her head out of the blanket a little further the snug miko embraced the chill that seeped into the exposed flesh of her neck and collar bone. She opened her eyes, for all good that did, the inky black more than enough to let her mind roam free and recall it’s more vivid delusions of recent past: That it’d be Yukari to free her, an idea that festered over months, and that Yukari was simply misunderstood. Hana thought she could crack whatever shell Yukari built around herself and save her and father in one fell swoop, that everything could be resolved like in the stories her father told of the old parties and incidents that used to be the shrine’s pulse. Maybe Hana could’ve helped her if she pushed Yukari harder, tried understanding her from the start, and show her that affection no one knew she so desperately desired.

Yukari was… She is… Hana couldn’t deny what she saw at that party and what she heard, even if things got blurry towards the end. She saw the way Yukari treated her dear friends and taunted them, even if Yukari’s words of love were so comforting when they were alone, even though she wanted to believe that her friends simply didn’t understand anything. Yukari’s eyes as she stripped her down were predatory, and Hana was the prey. It still sent a chill down her back, with how similar her eyes were to the times Hana was preyed upon by force and threat of… Those eyes…

In those deep amethyst eyes Hana wanted to see affection, she wanted to see the thoughtful women that could enchant as easily as she could walk, the fierce kindness and playfulness that Hana had glimpsed in part during their more wholesome moments. However, her mother’s words and the fullness of Hana’s own actions done at the behest of Yukari seemed to sink in. In a way, Hana was responsible for Kasen’s situation. For all she knew Yukari had used her as a bargaining chip, or method of control over Kasen like the crestfallen miko knew she does to father. For all she knew Yukari may have used her infiltration to plant the seeds of Kasen’s destruction, they both got rather distracted after all…

>>45658664

Just a few feet away sat a hole deep as Hana was tall and about as wide. The rest of the house was surprisingly untouched by the two monsters that nearly rampaged through its humble interior earlier. As for the statue itself; it was nothing but a well engraved memory by this point. Not even the liquefied remains of the metals and molten marble remained, those crimson flames consumed all in its wrath.

The large cake that adorned the table barely had a few slices cut off. Everyone's appetite, much like their enjoyment, had been stomped out entirely like the life of a rodent under Yukari’s heels. Replacing that light hearted merriment was now a deep-seated anxiety. As the women crowded around the tear blinded girl their affection, they saw Hana moved to the couch. Perhaps they came to some mutual agreement that even that hole was too much of a risk to the poor girl now that they were driven by an intense urge to protect her.

Hana was a shell of herself, a phrase she never truly understood till now. The racing thoughts and excitement from earlier had started to simmer, but even now threatened to overflow. Her eyes gave no help in focusing on something else as they were blurry with tears and obscured her vision. Her nose must have been red just her cheeks were and she still trembled lightly. She felt pathetic, she felt enraged, and she felt betrayed, but by who?

Like the child she tried so hard to grow out of she was ultimately powerless, back in the shadow of her mother and something to be pitied. Was she even an adult? Were these past ten years a lie? Was she still some six year old brat trembling and crying after the horrors of her domestic life caused her to shut herself in her room, clasping her hands over her ears, clutching her stuffed animal companion while pretending not to hear the loud and obnoxious horror beyond her paper thin walls and hoping that once again, it won’t visit her?

Rationally she knew that she wasn't alone now. Her head was held by Yuuka, who tightly pressed her against her bosom as she stroked Hana's head in the same manner she saw Yuuka tend to her flowers. Hana's hand was held with a comforting cooing by Sanae, who whispered comfort in that practiced near-motherly voice. Alice had vanished for a moment, reappearing with some piece of clothing draped over her arm. Marisa… slept… and loudly at that as her snores filled the quiet air.

Hana didn't have the will to look around, to see if Mamizou and the rest had filtered back in. Instead, she was forced to piece it together, why did it feel wrong to be with Mama? Was it just the shame of betrayal, the infectious horror and fear in the eyes of her loved ones? Was it something deeper?

Rei- her mother's words too, she knew she was right… Yukari had done the same thing to father as mother did, she had done bad things to her too. She plunged Hana into a slow-burning, almost surreal nightmare that almost got herself killed. Hana wanted to go back to believing she only did it out of love and kindness, yet something about it felt wrong. As wrong as it was getting saved by mother. Mama was so kind to her wasn’t she? Mama… she understood her, accepted her love and lust in equal measures. So why? Why did it feel wrong to accept her, it was her choice wasn't it?

The nights they spent together… while Hana was powerless to refuse, the love they shared with father… while his dead eyes bored into them, the times they spent together training as mama helped her hone her abilities… while emotionally keeping Hana at arm’s length…

No matter how many times Hana asked herself these questions, no matter how many times she replays her many memories of Yukari; the pain of everything and stress of potential mistakes washes over her like a crushing tide, no clear answer presented itself to her. Would it be alright then to ask them? They… she could trust them, right? They already knew about her and mama, but they aren’t looking at her with hate and scorn… Hana made up her mind as she sat up properly, leaving the warm embrace of Yuuka who almost didn’t let go, though if merely from her absurd strength or from a deeper desire was unknown.

Her limbs were no longer shaking, and she could feel the heat from her eyes lessening along with the pressure in the lump of her throat; for how long?

>>45265645

Hana was considering the effectiveness of her placing seals on herself as Eirin spoke up, “of course only me and the princess were present during your little speech, and as such we’ll be able to keep confidentiality”

Rocking back and forth, Hana felt her legs and arms go cold, it was all she could do to stay calm outwardly. Yup, this was it. She’d go and take a long flight straight up past the moon and challenge a star to duel. It’d be more preferable, confidentiality? Yeah right! Hana was sure Eirin would spread word of this as quick as she could, then after she spreads word to the inaba Sara and Sana would start to hate her thenAunnwouldhateherandherfatherwouldrefusetoseehisdisgustingdaughterandeve-

Eirin spoke up, rather loudly despite her gentle tone which snapped Hana out of her stupor, “I assure you, Hakurei-san. That not a word of it will leave our lips outside this this office, both Kaguya and I understand that Humans in this era would view such things as a scandal.”

Rubbing the bridge of her nose gingerly as Hana recomposed herself, she didn’t even notice till now how quickly she was breathing and how tightly she was clutching the sofa she sat upon. Placatingly Eirin asked, “We are not your enemies, nor do we stand to gain from revealing yours, nor any other patient’s secrets. Can you trust me and the Princess?”

Hana wiped her sweaty palms on the side of her dress as she gulped, was that a threat? Did she threaten me? Would the princess…? No… Kaguya would never… Finally, Reimu spoke up, “Y-yeah, I’ll trust you… for now at least.”

Nodding, Eirin let her arms rest as a smile took over her face, it seemed natural though Hana couldn’t be sure. The only thing she knew is that if the princess trusted Eirin, then surely, she can’t be all to bad. Eirin was one of the few that would genuinely help the village, and one of the few that helped her father recover his health many over times if Marisa and her father’s friends are to be believed.

There was nothing to lose by trusting her, at least that’s what Hana thought at the time, and if there was, she’d be the first to shut this place down. With that conviction in her heart Hana let Eirin proceed with her next question.

Eirin’s voice was unwavering in its purpose, using her words like a knife, the question of, “Can you tell me about your childhood in relation to your father?” Stabbed Hana like a knife, and as Hana was encouraged to speak, it didn’t make it very easy at all to open up.

Leaning back against the arm rest of the sofa and her twiddling her thumbs Eirin was patient in letting her collect her thoughts. It didn’t take that long for Hana to recollect her happier memories, childhood memories when she was still innocent as to the sins of her mother. She spoke with another soul for the first time about her life at the Hakurei shrine under her mother’s insanity…