/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>6523551
Some comments:
自分を評価しても良いかもしれない。
It may be better to evaluate myself./I really must have a better hold on myself. ---Is this a loose translation or just a strange use of 評価?

くれぐれも不自然な態度をみせないようにお願いします。
In the hopes that you don't show unnatural behavior, I earnestly thank you./I'm holding my breath, in the hopes that no one behaves strangely. --- same as above.


ウサギと、あの女の子の仲を邪魔してしまわない時間を選んだ。
I chose a time when I would not interrupt the girl's visit./I chose a time when I wouldn't get in their way. ---Looking at this, who are "they"?

あの傷だらけのウサギのこと、せめてぼくだけは深く心に刻みつけたままで
いよう。
If nobody else, I at least will keep that scarred rabbit deeply carved into myself./If nobody else, I, at least, will hold the memory of that scarred rabbit deeply carved into my heart. --- keeping this the way it is because I think it's a reference to Uuji's self-mutilation

これもぼくへの想いの裏返しのようなもので、とても嬉しい。
Because I discovered this sentiment toward me, I'm very happy./Since she feels the complete opposite way for me, I'm very happy.--- Either way, this seems like a strange use of 裏返し.


その後ぼくは、警察をどうごまかせばいいんだよ。
After that, how could I testify to the police?/After that, how am I supposed to convince the police you weren't there? --- I think the gist of this is supposed to be "How am I supposed to convince the police I didn't do it", which I don't feel from your line.

http://www.mediafire.com/?z6i5ndsjm5u59sy
Here's my integrated version. I kept a good bulk of your edits, which makes me happy because the script has improved this much. On the other hand, it shows how far I have yet to go as a translator.