/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>45746236
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The ship's interior… changed.

It felt like an out-of-body experience to enter the shrine and… see: the genkan wasn't broken—Mother would get violent after particularly stressful days and just throw her shoes inside the cabinet with such force it'd break the separations. It happened so often that even Father stopped fixing it—the air wasn't stale with the pungent smell of sweat and alcohol, and the scarce furniture was new…

Upon first look, it seemed like a house—a home, even.

I forgot Sensei and Mother as I walked around with a shy pace, touching walls and wood, deep within feeling a pesky delight with the lack of creaking floorboards—

—Stopping, my eyes locked on the kotatsu: twin needles were by the side with some beautiful green threads, tips worn-out; a small sake bowl—unusual of Mother—was halfway filled with… Ceremonial sake?! I frowned, smelling it to make sure I wasn't wrong. It's ceremonial sake… Mother hates that thing; she used to say it had so little alcohol it wouldn't even make me—12 at the time—tipsy.

Still, what truly caught my attention was a closed book, two letters all that adorned its front: 'Hana Hakurei'. I picked it up and flipped, my heart thundering with the pictures of happy smiles, of arms gently holding a baby, and all those moments lost to time.

To calm my aching heart, I told myself the residual moisture I could feel on the pages was sweat.

Putting the book down, I looked around, wide-eyed and overwhelmed. Aunn, sitting by my side, watched with deep sorrow.

When our eyes met, I saw the reflection of mine in her pupils, and they said: 'This is the Hakurei Shrine, my home for sixteen long years.'

Screams echoed, ricocheting on the walls; the smell of sake was a persistent stain like that of crude oil, and Father's lament is poetry that shall never fade away.

The exterior and interior might've changed, but it's still the same ship.

The war inside—so much rage, fear, longing, loathing, anxiety, and many others—grew as a distressed sigh crawled out of me, my eyes closing. “Hana…” Aunn whispered, her eyes empathetic as her hand drew circles on my back.

“Everything has changed; I barely recognize this place…” I mutter.

“But?”

“… It's like nothing has changed at all; I cannot trust any of this—it all feels like l-lies.” A coat of paint, a mascara. Something inside urges me to rip it all off with righteous fury, expose the falsehoods, and so burn it all to the ground. Life would be easy if nothing of that were accompanied by that gleam in her eyes, my throat clenching, war rising and rising, sweat covering my body…

Memories of more than just those 16 years—so many terrible memories. More. Much, much more; a crashing waterfall of them and—

—Confused, I watched my hands on the kotatsu trembling. Why are they…? With my left hand, I grasped my right wrist, but the shaking persisted. My breathing sped up and no technique I've ever learned helped me—trembling, sobbing, hyperventilating. What is going on? My heart feels so very tight, like a collapsing star; my arms are itching all over, itch creeping towards my chest, the world around is blurring and spinning—and—a-and—

… I was bad to the people around me who were youkai. I despised them, and I was so needlessly mean…

Father, I hurt Father so much, I'm sorry…

M-Mother, please, h-help—

—My hand is suddenly on something fluffy and nice. I give it a light squeeze…

My vision begins to focus again as my heart rate drops to normal, hyperventilation gradually transforming into a more centered effort that doesn’t drain my energy like an open hose, a horn nudging at my side.

Finally, the world began to make sense again, and a weeping Aunn cuddled against my chest, shivering and mumbling prayers—“Hana, please…”—, and, as I fixed my breathing, an alarming realization dawned on me: I had a panic attack that almost turned into a…

… I sighed, unsure of how to feel—I felt desolate.

Patting Aunn's head, her eyes swiftly turned to me. “H-Hana! You're okay!” The following hug crushed my ribs in a good way, a bit of the no man's land left by the war blossoming in peaceful green; still, the rotting corpses lay there like a grim reminder. “W-What happened?! It was so sudden! You just… stopped responding, a-and your breathing was so—”

“Aunn, It's okay—”

“It's not! It's not okay!” She yelled with just fury and exasperation, thick tears cascading and fists clenched, getting up to tower over me. “That was the opposite of okay! All this is not okay! And when people are not okay, bad things happen! And I-I don't want more bad things to happen in my life, Hana! They happened to R-Reimu, Anon, and I lost them—I love you too much to lose you to bad things too!” She stomps her feet and, wide-eyed, I can only watch.

But of course, Aunn would be greatly affected by the sheer magnitude of terrible things this day had, and now she saw me having an awful panic attack…

I hug her very tightly and whisper, “Aunn, I-I'm so sorry—”

“No!”