/jp/ - Otaku Culture

(4/4—p2)
—
… I stop myself, nearly biting my tongue.

Of course, that's incredibly egotistical! What the hell am I thinking?! After the excruciating effort of straightening myself, facing all those sins committed in the span of a life, how can I stand here and think that I could take more…? Ah, Reimu Hakurei, so impossibly lucky you are. You managed to come back from the brink of death, renovated yourself as you did to the shrine and now bears enough power to put a nail in Yukari's coffin. Along the painful path, you even made some friends and found motives to wake up every day—trinkets to help you deal with the devil that lurks just beneath your skin. But nothing of that was free, and you've accepted giving up this miserable life that, until just a few months ago, had no value in exchange for your children's and ex-husband's.

That's the path you've made for yourself.

So what if this heart yearns for more? For the friend that came back; for the blessing of holding life in your arms and preserving it—purpose…

… Your life now has a different purpose, and it'll be used to pave the way for others to live theirs peacefully.

It's not suicide; it's you giving back everything you've taken.

Be happy, Reimu Hakurei; you'll die like your mother… Yukari's voice penetrates my mind; memories of the birthday party caustic, but I ignore them in favor of peering into Marisa's eyes, a small smile taking over my face. It did nothing to cleanse whatever worry had taken over hers. “… It's not fair, Marisa—how much I've been blessed…” The words turn her confusion into intrigue, the ordinary magician watching me from below. “After everything I've done, to be able to stand here still with an uncluttered mind and a beating heart…” It makes sense, doesn’t it? Like Chen, Marisa is another one of those unfair blessings that I've gained since Ran came to the shrine that day, enlightening the way forward and helping me parse emotions outside my grasp. That's what this whole day has been since my Hana left her home again—now calm and solemn instead of full of regrets and pain.

Yes…

Today I've seen the wrong of this human heart—how unjust and selfish it'd be to utter these words; to desire more—

A lapse, words clogging my throat; the hope in Marisa’s eyes, memories of so far away; laughter echoing in my head and layering each memory I've come to see in my dreams—this day shall be part of them, I know it—I cannot stop it; it’s too much…

—to just say it: “… I want to live.”

The truth.

Of course, I want to.

I want to hold Chen in my arms; I want to have more days like these with Marisa; I want to see Anon's eyes shine with joy…

I want to be here to see her children grow up.

I want to see Hana blossom into a person she's proud of.

I want to live.

… But I won't, for this life is not mine anymore. These words have no meaning—not for a moment I believe they'll come true.

Yet Marisa's eyes broaden, and a smile rises hesitantly.

She believes it; she's joyful at that.

Inside, my heart burns as the lie tries to seep out of me in the form of tears, but I stop them before they can fall.

Don't cry, Reimu Hakurei. Do not tear apart everything you've built—for a shrine that'll remain empty; for hearts that'll break when you ultimately burn to death—and in so, make the right choice.

I do not break.

I reflect her smile, and Marisa laughs out loud. “Hell yeah, Reimu!” Her arm is thrown around my shoulders, the magician gleaming in excitement. “We'll live the Winter Festival together; kick some dragon ass and obliterate that bitch Yakumo—together! Next fall, Marisa and Reimu, the incident solvers of Gensokyo, will be together to FUCKING harvest sugarcane~!” I cannot help but laugh with her, my heart torn apart.

Two fools coated in dirt and sweet, laughing at sweet nothings, a lie growing roots in that beautiful smile of hers.

A lie that, as moments pass, loses its edge.

I‘m not afraid; nothing‘s changed. Her heart might be broken when things are unveiled, but her pain won't last long. She has a family to take care of, Hana to teach, and Anon to help—eventually, she'll move on from the friend that sat by her on those childhood days, drinking and eating and just gossiping about nonsense.

A good world without Yukari Yakumo around to threaten those I care about again…

In that lie, we keep on planting the sugarcane, finishing when the last rays of sunlight kiss the ground. Some stalks remain, so we peel them and, on the veranda again, enjoy the delicious treats, watching the stars and pointing out constellations, the effervescent blue light of Marisa's children illuminating this moment—a moment she chooses to turn to me, a subtle yet vibrant smile on her face, and say: “By the way… Happy birthday, Reimu!”

… I blink—

You won't live forever, Reimu Hakurei, but you'll live just enough to make the difference for them.

If a broken heart is the price to pay for that, so be it.

—Then, pained, I smiled the widest I could. “Thanks, Marisa~”