The Psychology of Trauma and Art

[Anonymous No.4516316]

I am inebriated and in despair, so bear with me.

I used to do art a lot, nearly as my primary time investment. But due to a variety of serious health complications, the entanglement of art with a relationship that went end-up-in-therapy bad, and a general downward spiral of mental health, I've ended up touching it less and less over the years, to the point that I barely partake now.

I spent a few hours trying to draw tonight, and the results were abysmal. But I managed to pay close attention to my internal state while attempting it. I think I've developed a degree of anxiety that causes me to instantly disassociate from whatever I'm working on, literally as I'm working on it. It's hard to make eye contact with the page, and there's a powerful and heavy sense of dread and futility all around me. The art I produce ends up not merely poorly executed, but ugly, as if my expectation is coming through in my technique. Something in me is terrified of even looking at the whole piece at once, and I begin to halfass strokes and dismiss most of the small subtasks of attention that go into actually performing in any way acceptable. I don't know what to do, and the response is self-feeding. All of my attempts start with an almost playful curiosity of "hey, I used to be alright at this, maybe it's not actually that bad", and progress through hours of dreadful frustration and disappointment until I want to physically hurl the medium away from me and disappear.

This seems like something I should see a therapist for, but I don't have the money. Especially not now with the 'Rona fucking everything up. Mild drugs like caffeine and kratom are either destructive or ineffective, and I've been highly reluctant to apply a significant volume of alcohol to the problem. The last thing I need is an addictive and expensive bandaid.

I feel as though all is lost. I've been doing this for years at this point. Does anyone have experience with this?

[Anonymous No.4516335]

Go to drugstore. Buy clonazepam, take 3 drops dilluted in water before drawing, it will do away with your anxiety. Do not exceed that dose unless you wanna become addicted to the substance. In most countries you need a prescription to get it but you can easily forge one using any digital painting software.
Also, think of your brain as a computer with the Task Manager open. If you focus in your anxiety, you loose RAM. You need to ignore your anxiety and put all your focus in your work.

[Anonymous No.4516341]

>>4516316
It's called boohoo poor you uwu get over yourself it's just art. You're not that good to feel this deeply about it. You're welcome to be a tortured soul when tire on da Vinci's level

[Anonymous No.4516343]

>>4516341
pyw

[Anonymous No.4516345]

>>4516316
>>4516335
pyw or schizo and none of this happened

[Anonymous No.4516348]

>>4516345
Post yours first you fucking homo

[Anonymous No.4516349]

>>4516316
Jesus Hubert Christ, are you me? Minus the health issues, I’ve struggled the same way with art similar to you and found it difficult to partake in art. I didn’t like what was coming out of me, my themes, my style, everything. I wasn’t technically bad, I just didn’t like who I was. I know it sounds incredibly stupid but I always thought my style was pretty faggy and I struggle with gender and sexuality issues and that is all I saw when I looked at my art, even if others weren’t able to see it.

For me, alcohol didn’t do shit. Caffeine sort of helped with general depression, and so did aniracetam. There was a time when I was in a relationship with another artist, and drawing together helped me accept myself I guess, but I lost my mind after we broke up and I am still not the same as before. But, what ultimately made me lose my “inhibitions” and just draw was sleep deprivation - that’s when I really don’t give a fuck about anything, and with caffeine and racetams added in, I can keep moving. I don’t recommend this and I am trying to find a different solution, but that’s what works for me now.

What are your fears regarding art? Fear of failure? Incompetency? Or in my case, faggotry? LOL

[Anonymous No.4516352]

>>4516316
Stop and do something else, then approach it later from a different starting point.

[Anonymous No.4516358]

>>4516343
Why?

[Anonymous No.4516373]

>>4516348
Grow some fucking nuts faggot you sound like a huge bitch. You're no supposed to get any kind instant gratification with art regardless of what /beg/s on this board believe.
If you don't enjoy what you do then what the fuck are you doing, get a grip of yourself faggot.
To me you sound like a spoiled /beg/ looking for instant gratification and sympathy, feeling sorry for yourself, weeping believing your existence is miserable because you don't have any talent
Do yourself a favor and stop doing any kind of art and leave this board you piece of shit. Countless artist through the course of time haven't got any kind of recognition while they are alive what makes you believe you are any special? Fucking cunt, this generation was a mistake.

[Anonymous No.4516398]

>>4516316
I've gone through several year+ long total dry spells that usually coincide with things in life being generally shitty or stressful. Psychedelics are the way to go here, at least for me. Even if the experience is difficult, it returns you to the vitality of life and forces a renewal of the creative spirit.

[Anonymous No.4516408]

I'd have to know more about you on a personal level of interaction, but from your post you are hateful of you and romanticize this hatred in an unidentifiable way. To create you must not be held back, and you or something in your life is holding you back. They say to love yourself is to express yourself, so it seems to reason that you don't love yourself, irregardless of what has happened in your life.

Can't offer anything more than that, I just have a keen ability to detect body movements and patterns in someones interactions and thoughts. It's not enough with what you've given.

[Anonymous No.4516411]

>>4516398
>Even if the experience is difficult, it returns you to the vitality of life and forces a renewal of the creative spirit.

Do you know why this is? I’ve felt this but I still don’t understand it. I had an unpleasant experience that had me in a loop of negative emotions I was already aware of, but after I felt like I’d gotten part of me back that I’d lost, and with a mind that felt newly cleared I grew more in the following months than I had in years.

[Anonymous No.4516419]

>>4516373
>doesn't post his work
Complete homo detected

[Anonymous No.4516475]

>>4516373
lol, i come on here for the first time in 10 years and see this post which shows me that this board has not grown at all in an entire decade.

let me tell you, to anyone seeing this, this board is an enormous waste of time. i became a truly excellent artist long after leaving this place and its toxic, you-are-worthless-prove-yourself-to-me attitude. nothing here is of any worth. you gjys are still peddling the same loomis bullshit lololol. no SHIT people need to study anatomy but theres more to art than that you fuckin peanuts. leave this place and spend time discovering why you want to make art. it will lead you to a world where you work towards your ideal creations. that is the world an artist must inhabit. not this narcissistic time dump.

[Anonymous No.4516509]

>>4516475
>i became a truly excellent artist
Sure thing bro. Post your fucking work so we can all see how much of a great artist you are.

[Anonymous No.4516519]

>>4516475
Ok oldfag, but pyw. This place has tons of art resources and people here just shitpost to begin with.

[Anonymous No.4516520]

>>4516509
in face of an unwell patient, the doctor need not prove their sanity

[Anonymous No.4516521]

>>4516519
yeah, and im happy for that, as thats also how i got drawing. but trust me, it breeds internal resentment. this whole website does. resentment that is VERY difficult to get over. take my warning seriously.

[Anonymous No.4516524]

>>4516521
I don’t take /ic/ seriously or most the anons here doesn’t, the negative atmosphere of this shithole keeps everyone stuck in the bucket unless you manage to not get caught up with the crabbing and “enjoy” for what it is. This community could be churning out pros every year but I guess coping and crabbing is risk free and easier. But hey if you manage to survive here and become proficient in art you deserve a pat in the back.

[Anonymous No.4516530]

>>4516524
i understand that, the whole "we are all crabs in the bucket and we want it that way" is kind of a 4chan trademark. but you have to understand, that is just the vocal populace. the majority of people who come here do it to learn how to make art. and the people who stick around and become comfortable posting are people who abandon that principle and are here for a joke. one that can damage the dreams of young artists. people must be nurtured to create. suffering only begets further, and worse, suffering.

[Anonymous No.4516533]

>>4516530
If I was a young artist I’d be shit scared posting my art and instead join some shitty discord server that “crab” me into being ok with my work. Only (YOU) can decide if its good or not once you know your faults as an artist, those criticism that you receive are only bits and pieces you didn’t thought before.

[Anonymous No.4516543]

>>4516533
just because the alternative youre proposing is a pat on the back discord server doesnt excuse this shitty fucking attitude here. in my opinion, having gone through the gauntlet of making it into the art industry as an animator, this website is no better than some sonic fansrt anime bullshit discord group. its the same fucking thing. at least with the discord group you might end up with a friend by the end of it. what do you get here? well certainly no further away from the thousands of dollars in therapy youd likely spend regardless.

[Anonymous No.4516549]

>>4516543
Why would anyone need therapy from posting in this hellhole? I already said I don’t take this place seriously but I know deep down there’s a silver lining in this place and has genuine good people but just fogged by all the the autism and crabbing.
Also i never implied or excuse this board autistic behavior.

[Anonymous No.4516555]

>>4516549
you dont necessarily need therapy from using it, but it certainly does not help to the contrary for anyone who comes here seeking validation or proof that they should be an artist. yes, when i was young, i also thought there was a silver lining to this place. maybe there was to some degree, after all i did focus on anatomy as result. but the hatred is too much. it really can make your brain worse. it is a waste of energy, and it is a waste of time. if you want to become a great artist and you have already learned the lesson of study, and practice, then leave this place, you will develop faster without its negative mantra padding your creative thoughts.

[Anonymous No.4516568]

>>4516316
In place of therapy, look into this little known gem on every successful artist's bookshelf, the WAR OF ART:
https://www.amazon.com/War-Art-Winning-Creative-Battle/dp/1501260626

[Anonymous No.4516570]

>>4516555
Well you certainly know your shit, got anyway to make me really leave this place for good? I always keep coming back to the artbooks once a while and end up shitposting and wasting my time after that.

[Anonymous No.4516601]

>>4516570
my advice would be the following. you dont have to completely abandon it all at once. just begin to come here less. replace it with solitary practice. go to life drawing classes if you can find any. nothing sped up my understanding of form and contour like conté and newsprint, and minute sketches. and draw as much as you can. find a real life community, and enter other online communities of artists who post work without ego. try out new mediums. experiment. constantly be on the lookout for brand new ideas. really PUSH your mind to new places. push your body too. keep forcing yourself into uncomfortable new planes of creation. always try to draw things you know you arent good enough to draw. perspectives you arent comfortable with. draw bodies not just faces. landscapes not just characters. scenes. show that you can construct a world. prove your strength to yourself. and keep doing it. try everything. force yourself. take critique seriously but dont dwell. one day you will suddenly realize youre able to do things you once werent. you will be able to draw in ways you would once have admired or even idolized in another artist. it will just be there, after so much practice. and you will in your heart still think you are mediocre. but you must keep pushing. push so that you make your largest dreams just commonplace. your current dream work will one day be your past work. believe in that and believe in yourself.

[Anonymous No.4516604]

>>4516601
Thanks for the explaination, can I ask a favour? Will this routine of mine make me good? I need secondhand opinions and yours has merit

[Anonymous No.4516610]

>>4516316
I've been in a similar position to you anon.
Personally I didn't find therapy helpful at all, tried 20+ different ones and it all just went back to "how does that make you feel."

What I found had the biggest positive effect on my depression towards art/life in general, was clinical ketamine iv-infusions and reading books about behavioral therapies. Self-research (plus the infusions) helped me a shit-ton more than SSRIs or therapists ever did.
And most of the stuff therapists try 'teaching' you can easily be found in self-therapy books (i.e. DBT workbooks) online for free. I ended up wasting a decent amount of money and time, so I encourage others to look into cheaper alternatives and self-reflection before making the investment into 'mental health professionals'.

I'd recommend dropping cash only if you need the meds/drugs to manage your depression/anxiety/etc. And if you can't afford the clinical ketamine infusions, I'd suggest either trying ketamine recreationally or try seeing if your insurance will cover TMS therapy. A friend of mine tried TMS for clinical depression and it seemed to work very well, although it does take longer than ketamine infusions (6+ months sometimes).
Hope this helped in some way.

[Anonymous No.4516615]

>>4516604
yes, your skills will almost certainly become better by doing this. but dont be hard on yourself if you break temporarily from the schedule. you dont want to leave one hell to enter another. good luck!

[Anonymous No.4516638]

>>4516615
one last thing to try to integrate into your schedule: try and make at least one piece a week just for fun, with no requirements. practice is important but good art thrives in a playful mind. doesnt matter if you think it will help, its sometimes even just good for the soul.

>>4516610
+1 for this advice.

[Anonymous No.4516664]

>>4516638
I do a finish piece every two weeks, and I do a comparison of my old and newer every 4-6 months, thanks for helping me out anon, by sheer will I WILL make it like you, in terms of skill of course I’m not looking for a job or anything. Hopefully i don’t I’ll get exhausted before I burnout.

[Anonymous No.4519391]

how do you feel now op?

[Anonymous No.4519396]

what is even the point in doing art if you're not drawing your emotions and thoughts

anyway just do something new