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/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

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4533468 No.4533468 [Reply] [Original]

Hey guys, I'm fairly new to this thread but wanted to get some advice on an idea I wanted to write for quite some time. It's about two girls Dillan(black girl) and Xanthe(white girl) getting into a fight in school. The only thing is that instead of the fight being short/prissy where people break it up fast. The two girls beat the living shit out of each other in many different ways without no one stoping them. The idea was that they fight over one of them talking shit and the other punches them which leads into the fight. I just need some help with writing out scenes better and to get advice on ideas I have.

>> No.4533470

>>4533468
You might get some better advice here
>>>/lit/
It's a drawing board, where /lit/ is more about literature, storytelling, etc

>> No.4533471

bruh

>> No.4533486

just make them have sex and enjoy the free likes.

>> No.4533522

>>4533468
the fight starts when Xanthe is looking at her phone walking down the hallway, and she bumps into Dillan (xanthe is a fast walker) and Dillan is like “Bitch, if your flat cracka ass dont look where you is goin then you finna catch some fists you understand?” and xanthe is like “excuse me bitch but you bumped into me” an ddillan is like “I know this ho did not just call me a bitch, listen ho the earrings bout to come off why dont you just keep walkin?” And Xanthe says “fine, n-word” (note: I’m not self-censoring, Xanthe literally says “n-word”) and walks away and Dillan is like “OH HOL UP ITS ON NOW BITCH” and jumps on her

Okay OP, I got you started. Now you write the rest.

>> No.4533571

>>4533486
This. You pander both to coomers and the lgblt. That's 2x the patreon money.

>> No.4534014

>>4533468
First you should write them out as characters and why they are fighting each other. What is the point of them fighting? Why are they even fighting by themselves? Where are their friends? I find it a tad bit unrealistic that none of them would have their friends around.

This isnt't to say that women don't fight, but getting fight just because they are talking to shit to each other all by their lonesome sounds like something men would do.

>> No.4536505

>>4533468
>>4533522
god this is so good. more, please. i'm on the edge of my seat.

>> No.4536910

>>4533522
>Xanthe literally says “n-word”
Please tell me Xanthe dies.

>> No.4538205

>>4533468
Sorry but my suspension of disbelief is broken by the fact that Xanthe is the white girl and not the black one.

>> No.4538215

>>4533468
Ill only read it if they kiss

>> No.4539334

>>4533468
Hey OP here, would it be better if I drop my email down here and someone could read the word document I have of this fight story?

>> No.4539382

>>4533468
tfw no blacc gf

>> No.4539481

make em fight n then fuck afterwards

>> No.4539506

>>4539334
can you post a link to the document in this thread?

>> No.4539676

>>4539506
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qaK7kum0OqNDIkkt75LEfS_wWvXGgM08wHGle_bLmvo/edit?usp=drivesdk
Here you go man

>> No.4539729

>>4533522
>>4536505
Please tell me this is the same person or a joke

Don’t make their fights race related. It’s too obvious/ham-fisted and 9 times out of ten you’ll wind up writing terrible dialogue for the black girl like this person did. It’s also a very lazy way to have conflict between people.

The fighting has to come from something a bit more interesting than that. Also, if you don’t spend a lot of time with black people, don’t try to emulate an Ebonics speech pattern in writing. You’ll just come off as cringey to people who go outside. If you have to make it obvious through text that she is black, it’s best to make it very subtle.

>> No.4539774

>>4539729
OP, here and that's not me who wrote that. I wrote Dillan to talk pretty normal and only Xanthe racist by calling her the n-word. If you read the document above is what I have now.

>> No.4540672

>>4539481
Yeah gotta agree with that

>> No.4541805
File: 1.24 MB, 1730x2577, crumb_the fight.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
4541805

>>4533468
reminds me of this.

>> No.4542974

OP, does anybody have feedback to give on the google doc link?

>> No.4542982

>>4533468
>I'm fairly new to this thread
I mean you should be, you`re the one that made it

>> No.4542997

>>4542982
Is it possible you can read the google doc and give some feedback

>> No.4543076

>>4542997
I'm not good at writing anon, unless you're writing cheesy dialogues for porn, if you wanted any help with drawing i could help

>> No.4543160
File: 387 KB, 476x635, ea2d5c2138f4f70985b2574cb85ef549-imagepng.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
4543160

>>4533522
part two when?

>> No.4543170

>>4533468
Seems like more of a /lit/ question, my man.

>> No.4543208

>>4533468
With all do respect, i hate the names. They suck balls. Another is the tossing of nigger into the fray to cheaply get a reaction. Not to mention, the dialog as a whole is cringe. Are you writing a story or making a comic? A comic i could be a hint more forgiving for the terrible grammar but if not then you need practice. The action seems okay tho.