/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

So, it seems like there are a good number of people who take issue with my art skills, the way I run things, or just straight up just me in general.

I don't think Lava or w ever ran into this problem on such a consistent basis (it's gotten to a point where it temporarily derails almost every thread), so clearly, something's not going right.

I'll leave this poll here, and if you'd like, feel free to leave anything from constructive to scathing feedback on how I can improve myself. If need be, I can step down and find an appropriate substitute.

I'm still working on dev in the meantime.

https://www.strawpoll.me/15886639

>>3420327

I don't have suicidal thoughts, but I do have a potent and ingrained self-hatred.
I literally am incapable of liking or loving myself. I cannot internalize anything I do as accomplishment, and justify any things I do complete or achieve as insufficient due to my highly privileged upbringing. This stems from an almost prodigious predisposition during my childhood years in mathematics that has evolved into absolutely fuckall at adult age. Just a continuous downward spiral into absolute mediocrity.
Before I was on medication, I cried myself to sleep at least once a week, verbally berated myself periodically, and at my worst, I used loose components of a vacuum machine to beat myself across my body and hands until they were bruised.
Among friends, I feel like I have to constantly provide value. During parties, in lieu of socializing, I would often offer to cook a whole bunch of snacks. Many people who would never move past acquaintance level familiarity with me would know me as a nice person, without truly knowing the pathetic depths I will go to to justify my existence to people. As for the people I have grown very close to, I secretly feel like I am a burden to them, and have purposefully isolated myself at times when I felt my nonexistence would've worked to their benefit.
Now, on antidepressants, I'm capable of sustaining a relatively positive outlook and productive lifestyle, but the self-hatred remains an immutable constant.

I hate myself.