/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

i need to confess something. i really fucked up. i messed up 2 beautiful friendships. i had this thing with one of my friends, sometimes we would get drunk and fool around. i liked to practice oral sex to her. it happened 3 times. yesterday we got really drunk and she was fucking wasted. throwing up and shit. i told her to sleep over it. so she went to my bed. about an hour or 2 idk i asked if she could move so i can get in bed too. she did so i thought she was conscious. i started touching her and kissing her and she kissed me back. i happened again. we allways regret it. she's lesbian so i can understand her conflict, i regret it because she does. it makes her feel uncomfortable. later today she sent me a message telling that if it happens again she won't see me anymore. i basically said it's ok it won't ever happen again. and i meant it. it makes me feel like crap too. about 2 hours later her best friend (wich is also her ex and my friend) texted saying that i'm a rapist. that i abused her. that i'm no man and a bunch of other things. she was fucking pissed i almost had a panic attack. then my friend texted that she doesn't remember giving consent. and that i did something really low and that she doesn't want to see me ever again. i asked her to talk about it. that it isn't all like that. but she was wasted REALLY bad at that moment. i didn't think i was abusing her but thinking back at how she was i can't argue. i'm a fucking rapist. i fucked up so bad. i can't believe it. i feel really really bad and i can't help to know she feels so much worse. i didn't want this to happen i'm so ashamed i regret it so much. i lost them both. i wish i was dead but i'm a coward and would never kill my self. but i really hope i can talk to her. she didn't block me but her ex did. but i also don't know what to say. they are right in everything they say. i'm the lowest piece of shit in the world i want to die so bad