/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

Hello, another nodraw anon here. I've come here to wallow.

I've discovered that I can numb my feelings by distracting myself with entertainment online. It lets me completely disengage my critical thinking, stop registering the passage of time and just indulge in infinite consumption. It's a habit now.

I like drawing. Drawing is nice. It makes me feel happy when I've drawn something. However, it's an activity that requires conscious thought, and that comes with negative feelings about myself that consist mostly of fear, anger and sadness. The compulsion to just run away from those feelings is strong.

On top of that, I have this condition where I think my experience is unique and worth sharing, that few people know what it's like, and that my suffering is somehow special and greater than others'. And I often talk about that to anyone who'll listen. It makes me feel smart when someone agrees with me for figuring things out. It brings temporary relief. I've alienated myself from others, because when I talk to them, it's usually me fishing for their pity like this, without listening what they actually have to say, or caring about them and how they're doing.

I carry in me a soul that wishes to connect with the world beyond and reignite its divine spark. It's a source of my life force and passions, but also constant suffering. It's inconvenient to have, and the best I can do is numb myself to it for a time. In the end, it's a choice that's mine alone to make. There is nothing anyone here can say to help me, but I think at the very least you know those feels.