/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

im always looking for something to give me the spark of desire

i have absolutely no sense of purpose but this is also a lie because if it were true i wouldn't be upset about falling short. there is clearly something i want but there's no way i can crystallize it into a tangible objective

my why is so weak and undefined that any discipline i've ever developed i've only been able to maintain for definite periods of time before falling into the void again

i know exactly what i need to do but i don't have anywhere near the sense of obsession to be able to do it. i dive in and out of existential meandering and constantly have to find new reasons to prop myself up as the old ones disintegrate

when i draw it feels good. i know i'm making progress and finishing commissions and making money so i can buy shit for myself and help support my family. but even this doesn't stop me from starting every day with a base level repulsion to doing anything

ive gone months without 4chan or [insert timewasting vice here] but i always find something else to deflect to, and even failing all technology i will just sit outside and stare at the trees, accomplishing absolutely nothing and coming no closer to resolving my weird emptiness. whether i just draw or dont draw at all makes no difference to me falling back into the hole. taking it easy and going with the flow doesn't help, working towards a goal doesn't help, making what i want doesn't help, having structure and avoiding distractions doesn't help. all respite is temporary

i just need one moment. one moment of pure clarity