/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

I'm 32, have accomplished nothing in life. Been married and divorced. Every friendship I've had has disappeared or failed. I've been diagnosed with PTSD with underlying depression and severe social anxiety by three separate psychiatric professionals.
I've been drawing since I was 6 years old and have been told that I'm talented. I want to be happy or even just content, but even with counseling, medication, cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness training I can't even find the strength or desire to go to the fucking grocery store.
I have above average intelligence and am well aware of my potential, however I am thus far incapable of not wanting to die every minute of every goddamn day. I feel absolutely trapped.
I draw every day. I study every day, but I haven't composed or finished a unique piece in almost a decade. I feel worthless.
I know that counseling can help, but not when every counselor I've seen has been less intelligent than myself. I know that intellectualizing topics can be a means of avoiding emotional vulnerability, but I don't believe that's what I'm doing. The people that are supposed to be counseling me are actually less intelligent than I am and I don't know how to attain any actual benefit from them. I just want the nightmares to fucking stop.
Weed, (memes, I know) had been the only thing that has ever allowed me to function in any real capacity, but it's illegal in my state. Thus, bringing it up is met with doubt and contempt. I'm in a position of knowing what helps, but am being told that I'm wrong. It's infuriating.
I vent, talk and meditate to no avail. I worry that I'm only staying alive to avoid hurting my parents and that as soon as they're gone, I'll kill myself. I want to be productive. I want to show the world what I see and what I've seen in my head but it's actually killing me.