/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

I am stuck in a constant state of seething that I'm not as good as artists with 20 years of experience and I just can't allow myself to feel any joy or self-worth until I'm at that level.
It's abstract self-constructed hell. Leeching off my parents and delaying my graduation as long as possible so I can draw all day. To absolutely no end. It's just technical grinding because I don't consider myself good enough to derive joy from art yet.

Holy hell my brain is just so tangled up with ego driven OCD tier behaviors surrounding art. I don't even fucking like art anymore. I hate drawing, It makes me angry, sad, and even if it makes me happy for a bit I'll immediately just shit on myself over whatever criteria I fall short of. I. Hate. Drawing. The only thing that feels even remotely cathartic is talking about just how much I fucking despise drawing.

I genuinely do not even remember why I started. I don't remember what I wanted to draw. It has taken on the character of an addiction and my north star is just "get good". I will be late for appointments, skip meals and not sleep just to put more time in. People will ask me if anything is wrong because it's quite evident that I'm in pain, and I'll just say that I'm fine because they simply can't understand the level of psychotic, fruitless, egotistical obsession I am undergoing. I will be out with friends, but I won't really be there. I'm in my head, and I'm going over the last session's fuckups, what I did wrong, the mean critiques I've gotten over the years, and so on.