/fa/ - Fashion

Help me anons. I’ve been in pretty stable anorexia recovery since late 2015, but lately I’ve gained some weight (as in about 10 lbs over the comfy BMI 17.5-18.5 range I’ve maintained throughout all my recovery) and I’m triggered af and am literally beginning to feel suicidal. My husband got a better paying job so now suddenly we have money to eat out more often and we always have good food in the house. I’m also an embarrassingly sedentary NEET housewife atm so that’s probably why I got fat so quickly. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to relapse, but I kinda do? I feel like it’s relapse or kms. My ED therapist had to drop me as a client when I wasn’t “sick enough” anymore and. Ugh. Just looking at photos from when I was sick and then seeing my current body makes me wanna die, I desperately want to be 74 lbs again.
What should I do? I’m an all or nothing person so please don’t tell me to just lose 10 lbs the “healthy way”, it will never happen. Should I push myself over the edge into relapse mode? Idk idk hellllllppp :(

Pic related, 2015 on the left (not my lowest weight but probably ~85 lbs at 5’2”) and now on the right (so fucking embarrassed I don’t even want to say my current weight)
Also excuse the outfit I’m in my jammies okay