/fa/ - Fashion

Hi, I just want to vent.
I grew up fat, and a year ago weighed 6'0" 175 lbs after a long weight loss journey. Now I am 6'0" 250 lbs. I experienced a bout of severe depression and instead of losing my appetite like decent people i ate more and more. now I am fat as sin, ugly, disgusting, and I hate myself every minute of every day. I've had a loaded shotgun in my mouth twice and my thighs are covered, and I mean covered, in scars from cutting myself with a boxcutter. I cannot believe how good things were when I was thin, and I went and fucked it up. I don't know what to do. I dropped out of college because I can't stand leaving the home and having people see me as fat again. I sweat all the time. I am not even human. I haven't looked in a mirror in a long time. I am just not human, I wake up and don't feel human, and I spend all day trying to make some sort of connection with anyone on /v/, /r9k/, /vg/, /pol/, /tv/, /fa/, /fit/, just to make me feel human, and I stay up until 7 or 8 in the morning until I can get something that makes me feel somewhat cared about, enough to calm my thoughts and help me sleep.

I just wanted to vent, sorry. I am trying to lose weight now. It's just so hard because it takes a long time, and I can barely make it day to day without killing myself knowing I am this fat.