/fa/ - Fashion

I feel like all my restriction was for nothing. I went from 47 kg to 43.5 kg last fall and gained some back this spring and summer, now sitting uncomfortably at 45 (height 154 cm). I feel the exact same as a year ago, possibly fatter. I think I accidentally went and lost almost purely muscle and gained back in fat, but there's no way to be really sure.
I don't know what to do at this point. I thought that I'd magically look better at 18.5 bmi but it didn't work that way. Now I have very little motivation to lose more despite hating my body. I don't think I'll ever look /thinspo/ but I can't let go of the idea of having a cute body. I think I should get down to 40 kg because there's a chance I could look cute if I got to that weight. I just don't really believe it's possible anymore, I'm afraid I'll be a bony skelly, maybe good for thinspo photos but hideous irl. I want to believe that there's some grey area between skinnyfat and starving but I don't know anymore. Reaching a number, like 18.5, didn't really mean anything at all. I fear that reaching another won't do any more good, and I'll just torture myself for nothing.

What I'm trying to say is that this is a slippery slope and I don't even have an actual eating disorder, but the past year after becoming more conscious about my weight I've been more depressed than ever. I wish I could go back to not caring about weight since I was never overweight to begin with. Now being over 44 kg ruins my whole day even if try to tell myself it's just water or bloat, because then I have to see if it goes away, or if it's actual fat. Under 44 is acceptable territory, not anything to be happy about, just acceptable. I feel like I've damaged myself mentally to have this mindset and I'm bitter and sad about it. I've tried to stop weighing myself every day to feel less shitty but then I do it anyway.
Sorry for blogposting
>pic is the kind of a girl I'd love to be.
I want us all to be safe and happy but it can't be.