/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.9464872]

>chopping jalapenos
>have to piss
>go piss
>dick burns because i forgot to wash hands before pissing

im laughing and crying at the same time
anyone else got embarrassing cooking stories?

[Anonymous No.9464874]

>>9464872
I was once adding canned corn to a chicken quesadilla filling and I forgot to drain it first

that's the best I got.

[Anonymous No.9464897]

>first time cooking a steak
>internet says put it in a pan over high heat
>turn stove to high
>pan nice and hot
>put steak in
>instantly burns to char, house is filled with smoke
can you actually cook anything on the high setting on a electric stove

[Anonymous No.9464927]

>>9464872
Similar story to your actually
>eat homemade veggie quesadilla for supper
>it was loaded with jalapenos
>fast forward about an hour
>boyfriend wants a bj
>start giving him one completely forgetting about what I ate shortly before
>he rips my mouth off of his dick after a minute or so
>runs to bathroom at fucking mock 5 half crying/screaming
>turns out I still had jalapeno residue or whatever the fuck it was still in my mouth
>made his dick burn for a few hours, felt really bad about it for the rest of the night

[Anonymous No.9464931]

>>9464927
?

it's spelled mach you fucking retard

[Anonymous No.9464935]

>>9464872
I think the fish has autism

[Anonymous No.9465477]

I fucked up a cake mix and I wasn't even drunk

[Anonymous No.9465483]

>>9464931
Oh fuck off

[Anonymous No.9465509]

>>9464931
kek is that what they were going for? I reread it multiple times and thought they typo'd hard and tried to say 5 o'clock or something.

[Anonymous No.9465514]

>>9464897
Yes, I do it all the time. Put oil in the pan.

[Anonymous No.9465522]

>>9464927
>mock 5
My fucking sides

[Anonymous No.9465532]

>>9464872
>having 3 coworkers at home for dinner and drink/smoking joints like mad people
>bought food for 4 including me (cream/tomato tagliatelles with rhum flambés shrimps) i know that recipe pretty well and never failed at it
>a fourth said he may come but he's not sure
>okay.jpg
>receive a call from him saying he finally come
>we are all already wasted, especially me, I can barely stand up
>ask the surprise guy if he want to eat hoping he say no, he say yes
>totally drunk I start to cook
>there is not enough food for 5, need another cooking pot to make more pasta just for him, not enough shrimps
>too much food to cook and i'm wasted, it's hard for me
>overflowed
>pastas turned overcooked and disgusting, sauce was ok
>in my back he's now saying to my coworkers that i'm a bad cook and it was disgusting
>feels bad because i love cooking for people i'm not a bad cook except for large quantities of food

[Anonymous No.9465536]

>>9464872

>be 20
>dad coming to visit new apartment I shared with a roomate
>so happy because I felt super adult
>told dad I'd make us dinner
>made meatballs and mashed potatoes
>used butter in mashed potatoes, but knew dad would probably want more
>peak in the fridge, see roomie's margarine
>fuck it
>put it out on the table with dinner
>dad comes over and we dig in
>dad sees the margarine on the table
>DID YOU COOK WITH THAT?
>startled by his response
>"n-no i just used all the butter while cooking and thats all that was left"
>looks at me
>looks at plate
>his forearms rested on the table
>fork in one hand, knife in the other
>his hands begin to tremble
>he tosses his silverware on the plate
>"I can't... I can't eat this."

As much as I do despise margarine, I was just completely confused by my dad's food tantrum. I felt so embarrassed and honestly, my feelings were really hurt. Dad never explained this to me and it was just a very awkward evening.

[Anonymous No.9465554]

>>9465536
You sound like a grill.

[Anonymous No.9465568]

>>9464872
fucking squid!

[Anonymous No.9465569]

>>9465554
is it because I talked about my feelings?

[Anonymous No.9465576]

>>9465569
Never heard a man say he felt "super adult"

[Anonymous No.9465579]

>>9465536
while this is funny, its pretty sad that your dad doesn't trust you

[Anonymous No.9465581]

>>9465536
is this a meme?

[Anonymous No.9465596]

>>9465576
almost as bad as people who say "adulting so hard"

[Anonymous No.9465622]

>>9465576
>>9465596
I just didn't know how to describe it. I meant I was super proud of myself living on my own, but that night filled me with shame and self doubt.

[Anonymous No.9465640]

>>9465579
he was, and still is, a total self-proclaimed "foodie" snob.

I have gotten used to it now and just sit through his rants about how so-and-so visited Italy for 5 years and hers just tasted so much better than this, and the bagels in an obscure shop in san fran are so much better than these ones. He cannot politely decline food, there is always some snarky comment or bizarre rage along with it.

But that time, it got to me.

[Anonymous No.9465646]

>>9465640
Sounds like your dad's obvious faggotry has passed on to you. My condolences.

[Anonymous No.9465753]

few months ago
>cooking for new gf
>both slightly drunk
>cut myself bad showing off mean as cutting skillz
>bleed like a cunt all over everything
went and got fish and chips instead, night saved, cooked up my bloody mess the next night when she wasn't there, was good

[Anonymous No.9465765]

>>9465753
Fish and chips.
Is there any situation they can't save?

[Anonymous No.9465801]

Had to take a cooking class in middle school.
>ignoring teacher who is going on about knife safety and how to hold the vegetables while you cut
>we are cutting carrots
>buddies and I are giggling like girls and acting like tough shit because 'who the fuck can't cut a carrot'
>knife slides, carrot rolls
>slice my thumb open
>can see the tendon moving
>try to play it off like nothing happened by wrapping it in the bottom of my shirt
>blood is everywhere
>teacher sees and sighs
>grabs my other arm and pulls me up to the front of the class to make an example of me

She was a good teacher.

[Anonymous No.9465803]

>>9465765
Having your country invaded by the religion of peace.

[Anonymous No.9465807]

>>9465803
They should consult Burma, those chaps know what to do.

http://www.rfa.org/english/news/myanmar/tribunal-09222017162250.html

[Anonymous No.9465808]

>>9465765
the one by my house is fucking good too, nice chink meals aswell

[Anonymous No.9465810]

>>9464897
better to keep it at 80%, full heat will just ruin both the pan and food

[Anonymous No.9465820]

>>9465483
Nah that was laughably retarded.

[Anonymous No.9465834]

>>9465807
Based Buddhists.

[Anonymous No.9465848]

>>9465834
>Surrounded by Muslim countries
>Rohingya decide of all places, to settle in a Buddhist counrty
>Surrounding Muslim countries complaining about "genocide" but none of them will take their fellow Muslims in
>Biggest benefactor and host of refugees is Thailand, a Buddhist country.

Really makes you think.

[Anonymous No.9465851]

>>9464927
tell him he's a bitch, my gf gave me head straight after she ate a whole chilli. wasnt even that painful

[Anonymous No.9465868]

>>9465532
Why would you cook after getting wasted?

[Anonymous No.9465873]

>>9465536
What's wrong with margarine? I use it all the time instead of butter because I cannot afford real butter.

[Anonymous No.9465909]

>>9464927
faggot

[Anonymous No.9465933]

>>9465803

[Anonymous No.9465966]

>>9464872
>having a dick
ew

[Anonymous No.9465971]

>>9465568
I hope octopussy eats the cat.

[Anonymous No.9465980]

>>9465536
A real man will eat anything. Tell your dad he's a massive pussy.

[Anonymous No.9466021]

>>9465868
>he doesn't appreciate the glory of getting shitfaced and successfully cooking a great meal

P L E B
L
E
B

[Anonymous No.9466027]

>>9466021
I'd rather cook first, while having just a couple of beers with my m8s. I want to be fully in control when I am cooking. Then we can continue drinking and enjoy a good meal.

[Anonymous No.9466416]

>>9464872
Your story has happened to everyone who works with peppers a lot. But it only happens once

[Anonymous No.9466962]

>>9465536
>starts LITERALLY SHAKING because he thinks you put margarine in his food
>OMG SON I LIKE CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW
Your dad is a faggy little snowflake, eh?

[Anonymous No.9467007]

>>9465532
what a douche you don't judge people skill when they are wasted

[Anonymous No.9467124]

>>9466962
Don't talk to me or my mom's husband ever again

[Anonymous No.9467267]

>>9465848
>“genocidal intent” against other Muslims
Since when is islam an ethnicity?

[Anonymous No.9467328]

>>9465873
It's basically plastic.

[chop No.9467349]

>>9467328
Margarine is "basically plastic" in the same way that salt is basically deadly chlorine gas and extremely volatile sodium.
Actually, it's further removed from plastic than that.

[Anonymous No.9467363]

>cooking a steak
>youtube tutorial says touch your middle finger to your thumb and press your palm
>that is how a medium rare steak should feel
>go by this method for a while
>family continues to complain of steak being too bloody
>look up tut again
>finger touches flexed part of palm
>mfw i was touching the part of my hand that doesnt even flex
>was serving steaks as rare as a limp hand

Im sorry family.

[Anonymous No.9467418]

>>9464872
Very similar to you OP

>making fresh salsa
>chopping jalapeños
>enjoy salsa
>wash hands several times
>even shower
>eventually start fucking around with gf
>finger her a little
>about 15 seconds into it she starts freaking out
>cries
>no more sex

They must’ve been some of the strongest jalapeños on earth.

[Anonymous No.9467433]

>>9465477
pls tell me how
like actually how
just too much water or fucking what else could it even be

[Anonymous No.9467493]

>>9465868
Why would you cook sober?

[Anonymous No.9467495]

>>9464874
first time i thought it was a spoopy spider on his head

[Anonymous No.9467508]

>>9464927
>mock 5

[Anonymous No.9467585]

>>9467418
I'm not sure the chillies were the reason

[Anonymous No.9467929]

>>9467349
So is it ok if I keep using margarine to cook instead of butter? Or should I stop trying to enjoy tasty meals on a budget?

[Anonymous No.9468019]

>>9467929
>margarine
>tasty

[Anonymous No.9468147]

>>9467929
Man, it's good that you cook, but butter is not that much more expensive than margarine. If you can't afford butter you're shopping wrong, or fucking up your budget somehow.

[Anonymous No.9468167]

>>9464872

similar but cooking with chili pepper flakes

>scratch balls
>balls start to burn and turn red
>fill glass with milk
>try to dunk balls but only 28 and don't have the sag to reach into the glass
>dip paper towel into glass
>dab balls with napkin for awhile
>soothes the pain

[Anonymous No.9468485]

>>9468147
Margine is li 0.40 euro per pack, while butter is at least 2.5 euro. The difference is a whole day's meal.

[Anon that ruined their life by(...) No.9468596]

>>9464931
>>9465522
>>9467508
I had been awake for close to 50ish hrs when I wrote that and I can't even fucking believe that I spelled mach "mock". Even though I was typing it as I remembered it and didn't re-read before I posted, I deserve every ounce of shit for that. Excuse my autism

[Anonymous No.9468605]

>>9464872
I grow ghost peppers, i make hot sauce and flakes from them, I've been in the same scenario, only it burns even worse, A LOT WORSE

[Anonymous No.9470020]

>>9465536
im sorry that youve had to grow up with a dad that is a massive faggot

[Anonymous No.9470041]

>>9467433
Put butter in the lemon batter
I knew I had already fucked it up so I was angry cooking.
Then I poured that into the pastry and the pastry had to be baked for 30mims before I put in the lemon so as I was tipping the lemon back in the bowl the pastry that was too this and took me like 20min to fit in the wring pan curled over and fell into the bowl and I fucking pushed the whole pastry in the bowl andoxed it all around and threw it all in the sink and its been sitting there since. I'm just wanting it all to water down the sink

[Anonymous No.9470047]

>>9465640
He sounds like a fuckwit

[Anonymous No.9470188]

>>9465808
that's not on

[Anonymous No.9470213]

>>9465509
>doesn't read phonetically
Must be 18 or older here, kiddo.

[Anonymous No.9470950]

>>9470213
Only underage kids are obsessed with age. You just outed yourself, kid.

[Anonymous No.9470964]

>>9465536
Bes story so far, keked and slightly raged.

[Anonymous No.9471007]

>>9465536
margarine is literally transfat. your dad overreacted though.

[Anonymous No.9471022]

>>9465848
>Rohingya decide of all places, to settle in a Buddhist counrty

They have been historically there for hundreds of years, on the very least they deserve citizenship.

>Surrounding Muslim countries complaining about "genocide" but none of them will take their fellow Muslims in

You're absolutely right, it is almost like the Syria situation when the Saudi fags were crying about the situation while barely taking any Syrians in.

Whole shit is fucked up and sad to be honest senpai.

[Anonymous No.9471040]

>>9464874
source on webm

[Anonymous No.9472006]

>>9464872
this happens to me sometimes when brushing my teeth

[Anonymous No.9472035]

>>9464874
>adding canned corn to a quesadilla filling
Wut

[Anonymous No.9472047]

>be 14
>trying to impress grill
>cook "gourmet" grill cheese
>she likes it
>it's literally just grilled cheese with cheese whiz instead of shitty slices
>she comes over again the next day
>wants grilled cheese again
>says to "make it super special"
>decide to get creative
>add cinnamon
>add brown sugar
>add Worcestershire sauce
>melt cheese and add
>mix the fuck together
>spread over bread
>cook up
>give to grill
>she eats it
>almost immediately vomits on me
>runs out crying
>the sandwich wasnt even that bad

[Anonymous No.9472085]

>>9465532
I wouldn't have offered him shit, but it sounds like you woulda fuck it up regardless if you were serving him or not.

[Anonymous No.9472095]

>>9467363
If you were getting complaints of undercooked steak for so long, why didn't you just cook it longer for them? You think you know better than they do about what they should eat or some shit?

[Anonymous No.9472317]

I was chopping chilli before I finished a shift and didn't bother washing my hands when I left.
When I got home I started masturbating and my dick burnt a little. It was pretty nice and gave me a stronger orgasm.

[Anonymous No.9472388]

>>9465851
Different chillies, different strengths.

Nobody's impressed with your dick's resistance to heat.

[Anonymous No.9473516]

>make mac n cheese from a box while drunk
>get to step where the powder, butter and milk get added to the noodles
>no milk
>used sour cream instead
>to this day can't decide if it would have been good sober

>no less than 3 separate grease burns on a nipple from cooking shirtless

>crack egg into sink
>throw shell into bowl with other eggs

this one was my brother
>decides to teach himself how to cook
>decides to start by making crepes
>recipe calls for 1/4 cup of melted butter
>puts cold butter in measuring cup, attempts to melt it over a stove burner
>it's a plastic cup

the crepes still came out pretty good.

[Anonymous No.9474051]

>>9470041
Damn dude it's okay. I've seen myfriends completely ruin two cake mixes during a drunken night while I popped by the store. I came back and there was fucking powder everywhere and splashed mix and eggs from them trying to whisk it all together. Horrifying but hopefully youll look back and laugh.

We baked them anyways and they were inedible. Rip

[Anonymous No.9474067]

One time drunk I was making pasta for myself and some other less than sober friends but instead of grabbing the jug of tomato sauce I grabbed a jug of salsa and dumped it in. Totally oblivious. I was surprised as I could have sworn I had bought plain sauce but figured maybe I grabbed the kind with onions and peppers already mixed in by mistake. Serve it. Nobody even notices. It was only the morning after when I went for leftovers and I was like wtf is this and dug the jug out of the trash and saw what happened.