/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.9089674]

>trying to buy some grapefruits in the produce isle
>the grocery store jester runs by and slaps it out of my hands
>every single person in the store points and laughs at me soaked in crushed grapefruit

what the fuck /ck/

[Anonymous No.9089684]

>>9089674
>isle

>things that didn't happen
>social interaction not food/cooking

[Anonymous No.9089689]

Your probably didn't even tip him

[Anonymous No.9089799]

>the grocery store jester runs by and slaps it out of my hands.

[Anonymous No.9089807]

>>9089674
does your store have a no singles policy?

[Anonymous No.9089810]

>can't react to the sound of rapidly approaching jester bells

Its your own fault for being such a pleb.

[Anonymous No.9089818]

Stop going to the surrealist grocery store.

[Anonymous No.9090073]

>store clerk caught me doing the virgin walk down aisle 9
>Evicted from the store, told not to come back again
Can I sue for this? IS this even legally allowed?

[Anonymous No.9090092]

>grocery store jester sneaks up behind me and puts a chocolate bar in my pocket
>not even a second later the anti-shoplifting eagles swoop down and begin pecking at my eyes
>other shoppers form a circle around me while laughing and mocking me as I roll around on the floor trying to protect my eyeballs
never been more embarrassed in my life

[Anonymous No.9090101]

why do supermarkets not sell crab?

[Anonymous No.9090109]

my store jester got fired for eating all the cookies for the children

[Anonymous No.9090128]

>forget to recalibrate shopping cart
>Right front wheel wasn't rolling
>grocery license revoked until I complete 10 hour safety course

[Anonymous No.9090171]

>go to store
>fill cart with whole plant foods
>guy in front of me at checkout buying a bunch of shitty meats
>he's bright red, labored mouthbreathing, looks tired

[Anonymous No.9090227]

>>9089674
good thing it wasn't penis inspection day today at work, he health inspector would have shut down my restaurant!!.

[Anonymous No.9090243]

my new line cook was looking at my fingerbox and I almost gave it to him.

the last stew chef for got his so i have a better one anyway so i just keep it in the breakroom

[Anonymous No.9090261]

>go to store
>buy a new soup stone
>grocery store jester leaves me alone, oddly
>I don't trust him but I can't see him doing anything
>get home
>make soup
>taste it
>spit it out
>the fucking grocery store jester switched the soup stone out with a regular rock
>had to go back to the store to get the real one
>all the employees and shoppers laugh at me
Fucking grocery store jester.

[Anonymous No.9090280]

>>9090261
>>look for bag of sharpening soup
>>they only sell it by the mattress
>>??????
>>profit!

and that is how I became a 6 star Michigan restraint.

[Anonymous No.9090421]

Wait... whats a grocery store jester? :/

[Anonymous No.9090484]

>grab box of german chocolate cake mix
>jester comes up
>German? you gonna put that in the oven like your Jews?
>try to explain that it's named after a guy and not the country
>people starting to stare
>switch it out for a white cake him
>Oh, so it's white or nothing, huh?
>Try to hide my forehead swastika tattoo under the brim of my hat
>drop box of mix, run out
>fucking jester

[Anonymous No.9090494]

>>9089674
>mfw I am a grocery store jester

[Anonymous No.9090499]

>>9090421
>he doesn't know about grocery store jesters
F L Y O V E R

[Anonymous No.9090502]

>>9090421
Hr's that dude who hides in those parabolic mirrors in stores, waiting for a victim.

[Anonymous No.9090547]

>when you outwit the jester and people just stare in disgust at you.
the fact people would prefer to see someone embarrassed is just wrong

[Anonymous No.9090554]

>Finally decide I have had enough of the jesters shit and devise a plan to ruin him.
>Its do devious and evil my hands were literally shaking.
>Enter the store to the sound of bells.
>But the jester was still, staring at me in MY jester outfit.
>He runs for the grapes and I topple a display of bananas in front of him sending him sliding on the floor.
>I place a floor hazard cone on his hat and hop on the back of a motorized cart into the frozen foods area, swapping WIC stickers and hiding baked chickens in the bagged ice.
>The store is in total chaos at this point as the overhead music changes to Flight of the Bumblebee.
>Canned beans are swapped with corn.
>Children are missing.
>Our final stand ends at the cashiers, me holding a dozen eggs,he a gallon of paint labeled "milk".
>I open the container, showing one dozen Kinder Surprise eggs.
>Before he can react I swap a customers regular eggs with the illicit contraband and the side of the store explodes, the ATF, FBI, Homeland security and Trump all burst into the store and beat the customer and arrest them for terrorism.
>The jester drops his can and leaves defeated.
>I laugh, begin to exit the store but an invisible barrier keeps me inside.
>I am now the jester.

[Anonymous No.9090584]

>>9090554
Include me in the screencap

[Anonymous No.9090588]

>at the grocery store with my girlfriend
>getting dinner fixings for a "special" night
>see store jester in back, near the butcher counter
>can tell he sees us
>send girlfriend to go get veggies and some fresh fruit from produce section
>go get chicken and cornmeal
>expecting jester around every corner
>prepared but never run into him
>wait by checkout for girlfriend to get back
>she finally arrives with an carton of strawberries
>forgot the carrots and celery
>"whatever, don't need it" she says
>spot jester outside on the corner, just smoking
>winks at us as we leave
>catch girlfriend wink back

fucking jester.

[Anonymous No.9090713]

>>9089684
>ruining a nice thread with a shitty first post

[Anonymous No.9090716]

>>9090073
depends on your state statutes

[Anonymous No.9090720]

>>9090494
stories

[Anonymous No.9090755]

>>9090494
We demand stories jesteranon!

[Anonymous No.9090799]

>>9090101
There were too many incidents where people's pet falcons would pick up the crabs from the tanks and get injured so they stopped selling them.

[Anonymous No.9090803]

>>9090799
He is not a pet, he is a service falcon.
Who can fetch beer.

[Anonymous No.9090821]

>>9090484
Slightly underrated.

[Anonymous No.9090903]

>taking a vacation to Moscow
>in Russian supermarket
>see supermarket jester
>not sure how the local jesters are
>he sees me and starts walking towards me
>ready for all sorts of trickery
>he just walks up and bashes me over the head with his scepter
>wake up an hour later outside the supermarket
>all money is gone
>passport is gone
>WELP
>head over to the embassy
>explain what happened
>they tell me there are no supermarket jesters in Russia
>it was just some random guy in a jester costume

Fucking Russia

[Anonymous No.9090909]

>>9089674
>customer buying milk
>swap his 2% with skim at checkout
>set the self checkout machines to not accept coupons
>move the bread that will expire in a few days to the back and bottom of the shelf, out of sight
>replace any new CD the staff brings in to play over the speakers with the "Best of the 70s" CD thats been playing perpetually for the past two years

Being a grocery store jester is unironically the best job ever.

[Anonymous No.9090914]

>>9090554
10/10 sides have exited the solar system

[Anonymous No.9091087]

>Hot as fuck outside.
>Figure I will take this time to go to the store because AC.
>Store is like 90 inside, and Christmas music is playing.
>Get a pack of grapes and notice something float into the package, a large clump of dust.
>Look up and the fucking grocery jester is running along the rafters flinging dust all over.
>Keep shopping, occasionally hearing those god forsaken bells from time to time.
>Something hits the back of my head and I look behind me, this motherfucker has a package of Snow Balls and sends one flying at my face with the speed of a professional baseball pitcher.
>Manage to dodge the coconut covered pastry and look back up to find him gone.
>My cart is packed with packages of shaved coconut and plastic snowmen.
>Abandon cart and run to the check lane with grapes and a soda.
>Sprint to car, the heat of the day no longer a threat.
>Get home and realize the back of my shirt had been packed with those fucking Snowballs and a now long fermented fillet of salmon.
>I have to peel myself off my seat as the horrible gluey mess has sealed me to the back of my seat.
>Car now smells like rotten fish.
>The grapes are a bag of shaved coconut.

[Anonymous No.9091179]

>go to store to buy food to grill
>figure i should get some brats
>keeping my ears sharp for jingling bells
>butcher counter is empty
>butcher shrugs his shoulders, says everything just vanished
>fine, ill just get hotdogs
>still no sign of the jester
>weird since he usually loves fooling with me
>get to packaged meat
>all the hot dogs are gone
>this has to be him
>ask attendant
>she says the jester quit 5 hours ago
>what
>fine
>go to buy tofu dogs
>all missing
>hear a bell jingle
>suddenly know where all the sausages are
>run/waddle to the bathroom in the starbucks
>pull down pants
>yup
>extract 30 raw bratwurst, 57 sausage links, 40 packs of hotdogs, and a pineapple from my anus
>attendant enters
>says i have to pay for it all
>crowd laughs
>jester is there, laughing his ass off

[Anonymous No.9091228]

>Be grocery store jester
>Fucking love my job
>I sleep under the manager's desk in the office in the back, but I get a free license to fuck with people all day
>One day this loser in a hoodie virgin-walks into my store
>I love fucking with these NEETs, they're so easy to rile up
>Follow him around the store from a distance for a few minutes, making sure to jangle my bells a lot
>This triggers the autist
>He's looking over his shoulders at the slightest noise
>Giggle to myself and prance away to prepare
>Convince a couple pretty girls to use the self-checkout
>Hang "Out of Order" signs on the rest
>The NEET is on his way to check out now
>Has a basket full of instant ramen and zero-calorie energy drinks, what a cuck
>He sees all the hot women using the one remaining self-checkout lane
>I can see the spaghetti falling out of his pockets from here
>I cartwheel around him with joy
>"Looks like that register is open!" I say to him and point at a register
>Pretty employee manning it waves at him
>He doesn't notice me slide a box of magnum condoms and a bottle of lube into his basket
>mfw he drops his spaghetti so hard he literally enters an autistic fit when the qt cashier rings up the condoms
>He drops everything he's holding, wallet included, and flees the store
>Screeches like an animal the whole way
It's the little things in life, anons.

[Anonymous No.9091251]

>order delivery

>jester arrives with DiGiorno

[Anonymous No.9091261]

>finally find a good looking papaya
>produce hawk grabs it an flies away
>no papaya and 3 talon lacerations on my hand

[Anonymous No.9091264]

>>9089674
>Grapefruit

There's your first mistake. Grapefruit is disgusting. I don't even understand how grapefruit took off as a foodstuff. If I was the first person who ever tried eating a bitter-ass grapefruit, I would have told the rest of the tribe it was poisonous. You ever taste a fruit your mom said you're not supposed to eat as an adventurous child? All of them taste exactly like grapefruit.

[Anonymous No.9091275]

>go to the grocery to store to pick up some ingrediants since i was going to cook a lasaga for my hot albanian date
>i zig zag through the isles grabbing all of the ingredients to avoid the jester
>as i get within 10 feet within the cashier i slip and slide on the floor right into a table with samples of glue

the damned jester noticed me and pissed in front of the cashiers station

[Anonymous No.9091276]

Stop trying to turn this board into /tv/b/ you unimaginative faggots

[Anonymous No.9091281]

>>9091264
>implying grapefruits are for eating
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wD7PKKstAcg

[Anonymous No.9091282]

>>9091281
My gf uses the grapefruit tech, shit is cash.

[Anonymous No.9091284]

>>9091276
Go make another McChicken thread, faggot. We're having fun.

[Anonymous No.9091289]

>>9091284
>fun
You're shitposting but none of it is even funny so what's the point

[Anonymous No.9091298]

>>9091289
>he got spanked by the jester one too many times
stop craning to reach the top shelf cereal, thats when he strikes

[Anonymous No.9091303]

>>9091289
>>9091298
Normal people vs. creative people right there

[Anonymous No.9091309]

>>9090554
>The store is in total chaos at this point as the overhead music changes to Flight of the Bumblebee.

[Anonymous No.9091310]

Tfw the local pantry midget steals my kraft againl

[Anonymous No.9091312]

>>9091281
>you need the grapefruit to be room temperature, so put it in hot water

Wat? Why are black people so dumb?

[Anonymous No.9091315]

>>9091312
African room temp is much higher than what you get in the US.

[Anonymous No.9091317]

>>9090171
Why did I laugh

[Anonymous No.9091319]

>>9091315
Wow...That's a surprisingly valid point.

[Anonymous No.9091351]

>forgot to tip the greeter again

[Anonymous No.9091374]

>the store ball pit is out of order because someone spilled apple juice in it

How the fuck am I supposed to relax then while my caretaker falcon collects all the groceries? Unbelievable

[Anonymous No.9091403]

>>9089674

To blazes with your grapefruit, tell me about that cat.

[Anonymous No.9091839]

>>9090720
>>9090755
Sorry anons. I can't break the jester code of honor.

I'll be killed.