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/ck/ - Food & Cooking

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6400741 No.6400741 [Reply] [Original]

ITT: Things you would do if you owned a ridiculously popular restaurant and losing a few customers wouldn't mean shit.

I'll start.
Whenever someone asks for their steak "well done", the waiter presses a secret button. This makes a small orange rotating light emerge from a hatch in the table, accompanied by a siren just loud enough to make everybody turn their heads. Then two big black bouncers "escort" the offender out the front door.

>> No.6400747
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6400747

>>6400741
So basically the lunk alarm, but for food

When was the last time you broke a sweat doing something other than getting up to walk to the fridge?

>> No.6400751

>>6400741
Fuck you, this could have been a good thread idea.

>> No.6400755

no minorities or queers

>> No.6400759

>>6400741
That's hilarious. 10/10.

>> No.6400774

>>6400747
I don't see how you make the connection between banishing food plebs from my imaginary restaurant and being a lazy fatass.

>> No.6400799

all our ketchup is mixed with raw chicken blood

>> No.6400820

>>6400751
Well done-fag detected

>> No.6400836

>>6400755
But anon, how would you get into your own restaurant then?

>> No.6400844

>>6400820
No, I like medium rare. Op set up this thread for shit posting

>> No.6400862

Bottomless Thursdays. Not only is removing your pants mandatory, but you'll also receive all the bottomless fries/onion rings and ice cream you can handle.

And ladies, if you wear a skirt, you'll have to remove your panties since removing one article of bottoms is mandatory. Unless you just want to remove your skirt.

Also, no children allowed on bottomless Thursdays.

>> No.6401234
File: 66 KB, 169x119, 1384019946387.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6401234

>>6400862
>no children allowed on bottomless thursday

its like you want your fictional restaurant to fail

>> No.6401296

I have an idea for a restaurant.

I'll only have a few things on my menu: burgers or steak, with your choice of a side salad or fries. You have to wear a suit and tie or a dress. We'll also have live music in the style of 1920-40's music. We'll also have a bar that only serves whisky, beer, and a few cocktails.

I'm naming the place "Dappers."

Tell me it wouldn't be your regular hangout. I dare you.

>> No.6401307

>>6401296
i don't wear a suit and tie for anyone anymore, punk

>> No.6401310

I'd design the place to be fancy as fuck with a dress code.

But all that would be on the menus are Mac & Cheese and coldcut sandwiches

>> No.6401317

>>6401307
If you don't want an early 1900's restaurant experience, then fuck off.

But maybe you'd appreciate it if I told you that fedoras aren't allowed. We don't want no tipsters there.

>> No.6401318

>>6401296

Why would I "regularly hang out" somewhere and pay restaurant prices for drinks and food when I could simply make the same thing at home for less money? The dishes you listed are simple to make at home. So are drinks. I don't care for 20's-40's music, but regardless it's simple to play on the computer/phone/stereo. There is zero motivation for me to go there.

>> No.6401328

>>6401296
I would go there once for the novelty, realize all the waitstaff and regulars were greasy neckbeards, order a drink and then leave never to return.

>> No.6401336

>>6401318
being a regular at a place is sweet. not that i'd choose that place.

>> No.6401346

>>6401318
You're not as lazy as most people then. All the local bars here are crowded degenerate hubs with country music. I'm appealing to the people who live in my bumfuck Midwest town. But I appreciate your input.

I just want a classy joint that reminds people of PRE-WWII bars.

>> No.6401361

>>6401328
Well, I wasn't prepared for a harsh wake-up call, but you're right. I'd only attract the fedora clientele. Thanks everyone, dreams killed, but I appreciate it.

>> No.6401373

>>6401361
>fedora
>trilby
Choose wisely meme anon.

>> No.6401375

No. Kids.

>> No.6401411

>>6401373
No hats allowed at all. And no conversation about religion.

Nah, too many rules suck. I guess I've just got a pipe dream. Forget it.

>> No.6402187

>>6401296
Are fedoras mandatory as well?

>> No.6402195

>>6401296
>McFedora's

>> No.6402208

no kids, no gays, no retards, no less than 20% tip, no moslems, english speakers only

>> No.6402228

>no kids
>would serve burgers/fries/etc (and some mediterranean fare), but would have no ketchup anywhere on the premises
>every other thursday would be free hummus day, all sandwiches and fries would come with a small portion of hummus
>smoking would be allowed in the outdoor seating, but only cannabis

>> No.6402232

>>6400799
i think that goes beyond 'losing a few customers'

>> No.6402249

>>6400741
>losing a few customers

the interior would be a huge maze or labyrinth

>> No.6402250

On Friday nights the waitresses would have butt plugs with trays attached to them and they would waddle your table's orders all the way out and drop them on your table

>> No.6402253

you get to your seat by tubes
you order by tubes
your food arrives by tubes
no bathrooms

>> No.6402257

>>6402250
m9 I don't think you've thought up the logistics here

>> No.6402269

>>6402228
But there will be mayo? For the fries?
Or alioli

>> No.6402274

I'd have a bar where every table has a slow cooker in the middle, you purchase raw ingredients from over the bar and put them in the slow cooker and drink booze while you wait for your meal to slowly cook.

>> No.6402275

>>6401296
The only time I am ever putting on a suit and tie is if a boss makes me for a job.

Fuck that shit.

>> No.6402279

>>6400741
What's wrong with a tasty well-done steak?

>> No.6402283
File: 8 KB, 248x184, dappers.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6402283

>>6401296
Lel

>> No.6402286

Trivia-themed restaurant. Participation is mandatory to achieve normal menu prices, otherwise you pay double. Each wrong answer sets off your table's airhorn and built-in seat buzzer vibrates your chair violently. Erections and perky nipples are forbidden because we are family friendly.

>> No.6402289

>>6402208
Fuck away, tripfag.

>> No.6402311

>>6402289
Gay muzzie detected

>> No.6402313

>>6402279

Well meme'd my friend

>> No.6402331
File: 1.50 MB, 230x172, [tipping intensifies].gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6402331

>>6401411
>And no conversation about religion.

>> No.6402332

No discussion. No music. No noise other than the sound of cutlery tinkering on plates and people chewing.
Sunday will be soup night.

>> No.6402350

Open Restaurant in Euroland with "Authentic" American Cuisine

>shit service
>only credit cards
>tips automatically get charged to your card
>tip is 5 dollars for any bill under 20$
>all the service claps when customers go in or out

I will piss off the Euros so hard.

>> No.6402359

>>6402350
>all the service claps when customers go in or out

i want this to be real

>> No.6402362

>>6401296
You mostly described a bar near my work, except that it's not fedora-tipping teens but office workers wearing suits because that's what they were wearing when they walked out of the office. But they are nice suits, not mens wearhouse shit. Also the music isn't 20s but more like what squares in the 50s and 60s listened to. Also the building has been there since like 1890 and it's pretty much the same everything, down to the toilets.

I don't think you'd like it there, it's full of filthy normies.

>> No.6402368

>>6402350
You forgot two things

>only sauces are ketchup, ranch, and a1
>steaks are always served medium well or well-done

>> No.6402391
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6402391

>>6402350

>all the service claps when customers go in or out

>> No.6402444

>>6402362
What he described was gay as fuck, but I love the sound of the place you just described.

>> No.6402454

A restaurant where you have to be a regular to gain entrance.

>> No.6402508
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6402508

>>6402454

>> No.6402537
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6402537

>Things you would do if you owned a ridiculously popular restaurant and losing a few customers wouldn't mean shit.

establish jim crow style racial segregation based on contemporary liberal parlance, e.g., "safe spaces" reserved for "people of color" only.

>> No.6402539

>>6400741
A restaurant for chefs, cooks, waiters and bussers only. You have to cook the food for the table next to you and they cook for you.

>> No.6402553

>>6402539
You gonna be so cold and leave the dishwashers out of that shit? They should eat for free.

>> No.6402643

>>6402539
>odd number of customers
>no one to cook my meal
>tfw all alone
I don't know if I could handle that feel

>> No.6403258

>>6402286
I like this, apart from the buzzers.

Running a restaurant is a ballache, but I always wanted to have a puzzle pub. There'd be simple puzzles to do on the beer mats, coasters, etc. a daily puzzle at the bar to get a half price drink or stamp on a card, and a really involved puzzle embedded into the decor itself that gets you a membership card for cheaper drinks.

Basically I want to end up with a pub full of quiet alcoholics.

>> No.6403266

everyone is required to open carry

>> No.6403275

18+

I don't care about people who order something well done unless they complain about how long their shit is taking to cook. I don't even have to pay attention to it and can just focus on the rest of their tables order because it doesn't matter how overcooked it is.

>> No.6403297

>>6400741
Honestly just the ability to call out a customer when they're being unreasonable. I am a co-owner of a small coffee shop/bistro and the one thing that I really really really really hate is when I have to kiss customers ass because they're fucking uneducated about some aspect of our menu.

Last week a lady told me that she wanted her pesto without nuts in it, because her son had a severe nut allergy. She ended up walking out because "I was being incredibly rude" in the process of attempting to explain to her, we couldn't do that.

Lady ordered a macchiato, was given said macchiato and proceeded to berate my waitress because it was bitter and disgusting. She wanted something from starbucks and refused to not accept that their menu wasn't canon.

Guy got pissed because our rye bread wasn't gluten free, I only serve a single alternative and he wanted his meal comped and I denied that.

Yuppies suck.

>> No.6403420

A while ago I came in pretty late at a lunch restaurant. By the time I got my food I was the last customer left and I could hear the dishes being done in the kitchen. I hear a plate being dropped and breaking and after a second of silence I hear two voices shouting "ALLAHU AKBAAAR". Nervous looking waiter rushes into the dining area but when he sees I'm just laughing he sighs goes back in and screams something in Italian at the other guys

>> No.6403432

A drive thru window that caters to cyclists only, and serves healthy high carb fuel for cyclists on the go.
Including electrolyte drinks and espresso.

>> No.6403438
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6403438

>>6400741

get a grip, son

>> No.6403440

>>6403432
do the restrooms have to have a glory hole for cyclists too so you can suck some more dick?

>> No.6403446
File: 24 KB, 346x350, lucy.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6403446

>>6403440

oh you

>> No.6403454

>>6403438
Both of those books are shit. Rand for obvious reasons and LOTR because it's essentially the Seinfeld of Modern Fantasy.

>> No.6403459

>>6403432
Here's your ultimate fantasy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozNNlrT_QUY
Chicken = You
Black fingers = black dicks
Water = Jizz

>> No.6403464

>>6402228
>smoking would be allowed in the outdoor seating, but only cannabis
To be fair, this would be great for business and your customers would end up eating more

>> No.6403469

>>6400862
>Bottomless Thursdays.
I was going to say that this was a good idea except . . .

>also receive all the bottomless fries/onion rings and ice cream you can handle.
. . . that the clientele that this would attract would not be worth viewing.

>600lb Latishawana starts swinging at 540lb Shwaniqua over stealing a french fry off her plate

>> No.6403473

>>6401296
I'd go, but you wouldn't want to see me in a dress. Or maybe you would.

>imnotagrill.jpg

>> No.6403475

>>6403469
Make it so that it's actually a discount based on your BMI

>> No.6403476

>>6401346
>PRE-WWII bars.
What, hidden compartments in basements where the mobsters serve methanol-laced bathtub gin?

>> No.6403483

>>6403476
>methanol-laced
>implying this wasn't a federal tactic to scare people away from bootlegging

>> No.6403494

>>6403483
>>implying this wasn't a federal tactic to scare people away from bootlegging

most bootlegged liquor was methanol
it was cheaper to make

muh false flag

go back to /pol/

>> No.6403496

>>6403420
I'd be pissing myself laughing if I heard that happen.

>> No.6403498

>>6403494
>most bootlegged liquor was methanol
most people that drank bootleg liquor didn't go blind and die you fucking retard

>> No.6403510

>>6403498

you don't know what you are talking about

>> No.6403511

>>6403494
>most bootlegged liquor was methanol
Which is why everyone went blind in the 20s?

And no, this isn't /pol/, This is an accepted fact of history.

>> No.6403520

>>6403510
No you are the one that doesn't know what he's talking about.

Methanol is extremely toxic and saying that most bootleg liquor was methanol is genuinely retarded

some home made ethanol has trace amounts of methanol and even that is very bad for you
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methanol

>> No.6403526

>>6403520
>some home made ethanol has trace amounts of methanol and even that is very bad for you

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and call you a troll and not necessarily a retard.

>> No.6403530

>>6401296
I'm going to open a German wine bar and call it the Winebar Republic

>> No.6403535

>>6403526
explain what you dispute about the part of my post you quoted and I'll explain why you are wrong

>> No.6403540

>>6403535
The level of methanol produced in a typical home brew is high enough to be considered a notable health risk.

Also the implication that commercially available alcohols don't also have methanol in them.

>> No.6403549

>>6403540
I didn't mean to imply that commercial alcohol has zero.

I'm talking about moonshine when people don't discard the foreshot, the methanol evaporates faster and comes out first and even thought there isn't much as a % drinking the foreshot is what causes some ignorant moonshiners to go blind eventually.

>> No.6403562

>>6403549
Distillation doesn't create methanol and the heads would typically have enough methanol to give the imbiber a slightly worse hangover, not cause irreversible motor-neural damage. In addition, methanol isn't the only substance in the heads, excluding it entirely will greatly diminish the flavour of the spirit, which is generally a bad thing if you're not making vodka.

>> No.6404334
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6404334

>>6400741
-13/10--post
-100/10--op

>> No.6404357

>>6402253
8/10 or 4/5

>> No.6404414

>>6402350
>I've only heard about American dining on 4chan.

>> No.6404467
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6404467

>>6400741
I'd make everyone haveto pass the brown paper bag test if they want to come inside. I'd stand out front and if your skin is darker than a brown paper bag then you aren't allowed. Fuss about it and I'll shoot you.

>> No.6404469
File: 4 KB, 387x429, 1401611633874.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
6404469

>>6404467

>tfw mixed race master race
>mfw I get in but people who have been tanning do not

>> No.6404486

is there a way to make it so cameras don't work in my restaurant

i go out way too often and see a group of people whip out their camera phones as soon as the food arrives and it always bothers me

>> No.6404517

>>6404469
>thingsthatneveractuallyhappened.jpg

>> No.6404570

>>6403454
>Seinfeld
>Not GOAT

>> No.6404634

>>6402249
Underappreciated post

>> No.6405133

>>6404570
people who had never enjoyed any other sitcoms before seinfeld feel that way, just as people who've never held a fantasy book before LOTR.

The problem is that they are both trend-setters. A thousand works have copied them, some making their own additions/distinctions to the formula. After being exposed to these, looking back at their creative grandfather makes it seem like it's tacked together from all of the most overused parts of every other series.