/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.6366558]

Kitchen disasters thread. Post your worst stories about cooking gone wrong, either at work or at home.

Head chef throw a knife at the bus boy?
Ever burn a pot, filling your house with smoke?
How about a horribly oversalted recipe that made your family never come back to eat at yours again? Whatever your disaster is, let's hear it. The worse, the better.

I'm just on my way to work now (dishwasher ubermensch), so I'll save my stories for when I get back. Until then, it's YOUR job to keep this thread interesting. I KNOW you motherfuckers have got some good kitchen disaster stories.

COMMENCE.

[Anonymous No.6366569]

One time I picked up a hot skillet and burned my hand

One time I picked up a hot casserole and burned my hand

One time I tripped and fell face first into a charcoal grill and got third degree burns all over my torso

[Anonymous No.6366570]

>>6366558

I cannot cook oatmeal without burning the pot. I can cook maizena or farina but oatmeal burns the pot, which is why my parents banned me from cooking it

[Anonymous No.6366572]

>>6366558
Its not our job its your job you dickwad, its your thread.

i once fell asleep when boiling eggs (drunk), water evaporated and the eggs got burned, woke up from the smoke alarm

[Anonymous No.6366575]

I burnt toast once.

[Anonymous No.6366579]

>>6366558
One time I was in a kids play room in a hotel checking out all the neat toys that kids get these days. They had this huge box of plastic food right next to a microwave. I was amazed at how realistic the microwave was, I never had anything that cool when I was a kid. I put some plastic food in it and set the times. It even lit up and spun around like a real microwave!

Turns out it was a real microwave and I was microwaving plastic.

[Anonymous No.6366581]

Whenever I cook oatmeal or farina in the microwave it overflows because I leave it alone for 20 seconds too long

[Anonymous No.6366600]

>be total retard in the world of cooking
>this one fine bitch I wanna slam says she likes it when guys cook for her
>decide now is my time
>set up a time for her to come over to my place
>gonna cook her a romantic dinner and shit
>she seems excited
>a bit before she comes over I fly to /ck/
>learn what I can in 30 minutes about cooking
>decide I know enough and wanna boil some lobsters
>hell fucking yeah
>go over to the market and get four of their finest lobsters
>read somewhere online to bring a chill-chest to keep the lobsters in
>do just that
>walk around the store with my delicious friends in their new chilly home
>don't know how dumb I look
>bring them home
>have a bit of time before girl comes over
>decide to make some biscuits as an appetizer
>read somewhere that as a fun family game you can put coins inside biscuits and have people break them open
>think I'm gonna get lucky so I put a condom in hers
>lol I'm so suave
>she arrives
>tell her I'm just about to boil the lobsters
>she's obviously unfamiliar with the high art of boiling
>inform it must be done while they're alive
>she's really upset
>assure her they feel no pain
>put two of 'em in a pot of water
>want them to boil quickly so put flame on high
>leave the kitchen so we can chat it up on the couch
>a few minutes pass
>present her with the biscuits
>tell her to break hers open for a surprise wink wink
>she does
>nothing in hers
>take a big chomp of mine
>the most disgusting taste of rubber and plastic fills my mouth
>jesus christ it baked into the biscuit
>what was I thinking

[Anonymous No.6366605]

>>6366600
>high pitched screaming coming from kitchen
>she freaks the fuck out
>asks if the lobsters are screaming
>say "if you were being boiled alive, wouldn't you?"
>why the fuck did I say that
>smoke starts coming from kitchen
>oh fuck
>remember I left the paper bag with the other two lobsters out near the burner
>fly in there
>water is on a rapid fucking boil sending hot ass water everywhere
>paper bag is on fire
>oh fuck
>only one lobster is ash
>there were two
>where the fuc-
>one of the lobsters is clear in the hell on the other side of the kitchen
>it's rolling/running around to avoid flame and boiling water
>girl starts screaming
>run up to lobster
>stomp on it
>I'm wearing my cleats
>lobster goes everyewhere
>girls stops screaming
>the room is covered in ash and lobster
>she just looks horrified
>look over to her
>decide to just go for it and say "bon appetit, wanna fuck?"
>she slaps me and leaves
>tells all her friends who tell all my friends
>friends now call me chef boy-r-dumb

[Anonymous No.6366607]

>>6366600
So did you at least get a rub and tug?

[Anonymous No.6366617]

Just today I was making dumplings with gluten free flour and deep fried them and they were exploding. One of the explosions was enough to blow off the cover of the fryer and I turned it off and then it exploded again and there was oil everywhere which was really hard to clean. I had to leave the kitchen for like ten Minutes and wait for the oil to cool down.

[Anonymous No.6366623]

>>6366572
OP here. On my way to go hard in the dish pit. I'll post when the brunch service slows down.
Gotta maintain my dishwasher Zen.

[Anonymous No.6366626]

>>6366607
Al dente pasta, m8.

[Anonymous No.6366638]

i choked on a glob of the driest roll I ever had at a shitty bar very, very badly. in my frenzied panic and during what I thought were my last moments alive, I grabbed liquids to drink from a couple people that weren't with us as well as a guy's spittoon and tried to croak "I will always love you" to my (female) by who I was friendzoned

extremely embarrassing. thankfully, the owner was nice and did not charge us for the mess I made other than the price of the drinks I grabbed, and my friend couldn't hear what I said

i'm fucking pathetic

[Anonymous No.6366671]

>final year of University
>shared house with 5 people other people.
>Christmas the 6 of us decided we'd make Christmas dinner for larger group of friends.
>stuck on potato duty so mash and roasties were my department,
>go to season the potatoes but we only had piece of shit Saxa salt
>Saxa comes in a cardboard cylinder
>live in a damp/humid area
>salt was all stuck together
>tipped the Saxa box completely upside down to try to get any salt out
>cardboard tears and 750g of salt falls on the potatoes
>rinse them for 20 minutes under a tap
>everybody died of hypernatremia

[Anonymous No.6366685]

>>6366626
I didn't post it, but it still makes me laugh, every time.

>Bon appetit, wanna fuck?

God damnit

[Anonymous No.6366756]

>frying potatoes on the stove
>want to add some cumin
>take jar of cumin, upend it over the pan so I can sprinkle it on
>lid was not on tight
>entire jar of cumin spills all over the potatoes

>making a casserole
>want to add some chili powder
>know that the powder we have isn't that strong, so I put a lot in
>something smells off
>taste the casserole
>HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT
>mom says, "oh yeah, I got a new chili powder and put it in the old container"
>without telling me or marking the container in any way
>casserole is inedible

Mom, I love you, but Jesus. She was the one who left the lid off that cumin jar, too.

[Anonymous No.6366787]

>>6366638
lolcringed
>she probably heard and just pretended otherwise

[Anonymous No.6366928]

>visit boyfriend in another state and stay at his dorm for a few days
>want to cook him breakfast
>decide on shakshuka
>buy ingredients, including can of diced tomatoes
>realize I don't have a can-opener
>MacGyver that shit with a fucking spoon, takes 30 minutes
>pretty proud for getting it open
>forget to drain the tomatoes before tossing them in the pan
>dorm stove sucks balls, barely works, barely heats, so I leave it on there for a while
>overcook everything
>the shakshuka ends up a watery, slimy, tasteless mess

We tried eating it but both of us threw it away. I felt so embarrassed.

[Anonymous No.6367260]

I burned the underside of my forearm on the inside of my oven. It left two marks in a perfectly obvious cutesy mushroom shape, a tapering leg and a wide hat. I've been thinking about tattooing outlines on it along with a : 3.

[Anonymous No.6367307]

I cut a good chunk out of my dominant hand middle finger 3 days ago with a mandoline.
Had to throw away all of my prepped potatoes
because I bled on the entire counter.
Pic related

[Anonymous No.6367317]

>>6366756
>entire jar of cumin spills all over the potatoes
iktbro

[Anonymous No.6369207]

>get a crispy bacon craving
>put shitloads of bacon on a tray and stick it in the oven up on high
>lay down for one sec
>woken by smoke alarm like 4 hours later
>bacon is now just oily ash

and another time

>Qtgf mistakes tea spoons for table spoons and i have to try and enjoy this horribly salty bread shit she made

[Anonymous No.6369212]

>>6367307
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE MANDOLINE BRO

I WARNED YOU, DOG

[Anonymous No.6369220]

>>6369207
I was making ramen when I remembered someone telling me to try cooking it in broth, so I put in some of that powered stock.

I used a tablespoon per cup of water instead of a teaspoon. Still used the ramen's flavour package. Pure salt. Pure heaven. Pure hell.

I drank all the broth. I am now preserved underneath the sands of Egypt. Pic related, mfw

[Anonymous No.6369222]

>>6367307

>scan the picture up and down
"what i don't see anyt-"

[Anonymous No.6369244]

>>6369222

That's not a banana in the picture you monstrous faggot. Who puts shredded banana on a pizza?

[Elusive !6Fk.zjvlFM No.6370016]

The worst I've done would be when I had a timer on a counter roaster that didn't get set to the daylight savings time so ended up cooking a turkey for an extra hour, destroyed the wings and drumsticks but the rest was salvageable.

I've got some other stories through. I've worked in several restaurants over the years.

Had one waitress drop two full trays of made from scratch chicken fried steak that were on the way to the deep freezer, had to sweep up the mess and start over.

Had a guy that called himself a "Chef" since he spent a week in a cooking class. He had made the country gravy, normally a white sausage gravy, using some wine. When questioned he said that all gravies/sauces need a good foundation and a wine would do that. To make it worse he added the wine once the gravy was done, so it didn't cook out at all because it was just sitting in the steam tray.

Another restaurant with a different self proclaimed "Chef" would spend 8-15 minuets just plating. This was a steak house with a limited menu. I cant count how many times we had dishes sent back because they were cold by the time they were sent out.

[Anonymous No.6370032]

>making boxed Nanaimo bars
>melt chocolate chips in microwave in Pyrex dish
>grab hot dish with damp towel and it's hot as fuck
>throw hot dish out open patio door into snow from knee jerk reaction
>dish explodes when it hits the snow
>glass shards slice open forearm and hand to bone, fucks up some ligaments
>doctor says I'll never play piano again
Fuck nainamo bars

[Anonymous No.6370035]

>>6370032
Pic related

[Anonymous No.6370039]

I put my dick in the dishwasher...


Then she complained to the manager

[Anonymous No.6370045]

>>6366558
>get job at bagel shop
>first shift ever
>they put me on samdwhich making
>take ladies order
>go to slice bagel
>slice my thumb 4-5 inches deep
>couldn't have been there for more than 5 minutes

[Anonymous No.6370053]

>>6370032
>>6370035

that sucks man. I hope you still try to play piano regardless. don't know the details of your injury but I'm assuming that's just the doctor's best guess and that you don't give up because of it. who knows what could happen with tons of physical therapy and practice

might take many years but it's worth a shot

[Anonymous No.6370059]

>>6370045
>>slice my thumb 4-5 inches deep

How is that even possible when a human thumb is less than an inch in diameter? Are you a giant?

[Anonymous No.6370072]

>cooking pizza in oven
>timer goes off
>can't find oven mitts
>can smell it starting to burn
>quickly take shirt off to take it out with
>family makes fun of me afterwards

[Anonymous No.6370077]

>>6370059
Ok, it wasn't that deep. Deep enough for stitches.

[Anonymous No.6370106]

>>6370072
Turn off oven
Open door completely
Look for mitts

Your problem solving skills match that of an eight year old

[Anonymous No.6370115]

>>6366600

[Anonymous No.6370130]

>>6370072
>>6370106
https://youtu.be/nv7KnBBjHw4

[Anonymous No.6370174]

>work until 8 one evening
>gf tells me she'll make dinner
>we settle on oven baked breaded chicken
>tell her how to heat up the skillet to get a nice crust on the breading, how to dredge the chicken, what seasonings to use, how long to bake after
>tell her she needs to get the oil in the pan hot and to use vegetable oil
>go over to her apartment after work
>notice the windows are open, must have had some smoke
>open the door to the hallway
>lots of smoke
>this doesn't look good
>open up her apartment
>smoke everywhere
>apparently she set the pan on high heat, with the oil in it and walked away
>she heard the fire alarm going off and walked in to see the pan on fire
>used a fire extinguisher instead of baking soda
>tell her if she didn't want to cook tonight she only needed to say something
>later she told me about a time when I said in her words "if you want to get something hot you put it on high"
>bitch, I was talking about bringing water to a boil
>she hasn't cooked without supervision since

[Anonymous No.6370217]

>>6370045
reminds me of my fist job
>work in a small grocery
>go to deli to get lunch sandwich
>they forget to cut it in half
>go to produce room, get machete we use to cut watermelons and slam it down on sandwich because lol Stupid highschooler
>sandwich comes apart with force
>mustard on blade, take apron and wipe off blade
>slice pad of my thumb halfway off
>Mfw when I had to explain how it happened.

[Anonymous No.6370257]

>>6366756
mmm I want cumin potatoes

[Anonymous No.6370259]

>>6366600
>>6366605
Wow this pasta is stale

[Anonymous No.6370278]

>>6366558
I burnt down my apartment with my toaster :(

[Anonymous No.6370285]

>living in China
>struggling to find things to make western food
>cooking in kitchen while gf makes other things
>"hey babe, does this character mean sugar?" while I hold a bag up
>she doesn't look up and says "yeah"
>didn't notice her not looking
>proceed to use it to make cornbread
>bread finished, let a Chinese friend try it
>"oh....its good anon. Southern food is good..."
>try it myself
>learn that 盐 means SALT
>throw away pan of horrible cornbread in shame while crying and singing dixie

[Anonymous No.6370308]

>be home for winter break
>have to do dishes since they're piling up and no one else ever bothers to do them
>everything burnt and caked on pans because my asshole little brothers don't know how to cook properly
>possibly senile elderly asian grandmother leaves all her weird food out to spoil so it smells nasty
>go under sink to get gloves since the dishes look pretty gross
>turns out they're wet and covered mold
>so is everything else
>panic and get stepdad
>stepdad tells me to clean everything out and spray it with bleach
>have to drag all bins filled with stagnate water under the sink outside to dump them out and toss everything under there out as well
>still have to do the dishes after all that bullshit
>later stepdad calls me a useless alcoholic for getting a can of beer after cleaning all that shit up
>lazy fucker still hasn't called a plumber to fix the sink

[Anonymous No.6371026]

>>6370278
Because you only put one slice in there?

[Anonymous No.6371949]

>>6370032
I see you in every thread, and it never stops making me flex my hands in sympathy

[Anonymous No.6371961]

>>6370308
are they paying for your studies?

[Anonymous No.6371987]

>>6370308
Did you rape him afterwards?

[Anonymous No.6372063]

>>6370257
i'll cumin your potatoes if you kno what i mean

[Anonymous No.6372067]

>>6367307
how do you cut yourself with an orange?

[Anonymous No.6372087]

>>6367307
>your finger will always have a weird dent in it now
iktfb

[Anonymous No.6372216]

>>6370130
thank you

[Anonymous No.6372258]

Saturday night was pretty brutal, my sous chef made like two people cry, which was kind of hilarious.

>work in a fine dining italian place
>be in the shits because saturday PM shift
>everyone's getting repeatedly raped by the giant cactus shaped strap on we call work when all of a sudden, some 2 week old prep dude walks up to pasta's station
>mumbles something only pasta can hear, stands around shifting, waiting for pasta to respond
>pasta is kinda bad with english, as he came from italy so, he's just trying to understand this fucker while he's working 20 pastas all at once
>sous glances away to see the guy looming over pasta's shit
>"Hey, I'm the chef here, if you have any questions please come to me"
>guy mumbles out a response
>"What? Say that again?"
>"I-i was asking if he could save some pasta and sauce on the side so i could try some"
>sous pauses
> me and all the other line cooks glance over in pure shock that some fresh out of culinary school prep cook wanted pasta to stop everything they're doing on a fucking busy saturday just so they could feed him some various pastas
>sous pulls dumbass aside for a minute
>after a bit of time, dumbass prepfucker leaves and we thing nothing of it, as we're all too busy trying to pick the remnants of our assholes off the floor
>Exec shows up, concerned, because apparently once work ended, prep dude started crying and kept telling the exec he wanted to punch sous in the face
>mfw this faggot thinks he's actually going to win this fight

>>6367307
Iktf mang, got the tips of two of my fingers on a meat slicer because I was stupid enough to reach for guanciale scraps before the wheel stopped spinning completely

on the plus side, I lost feeling in the tips of those fingers now, so i can touch really hot pieces of food easier

bottom side is it's just one of the like, 16 i think, permanent burn/cut scars that all add up to make me look like some suicidal ho

[Anonymous No.6372270]

>>6372258
>"I-i was asking if he could save some pasta and sauce on the side so i could try some"

Why the hell would you think this is acceptable unless the kitchen was fucking dead? Holy shit. He should have punched the sous in the face just so he could knock him the fuck out for being a retard.

[Anonymous No.6372277]

>>6370174

She must be pretty fuckin attractive is all I'll say.

[Anonymous No.6372312]

>>6372277
That's all you'll say?

[Anonymous No.6372318]

>>6372312

Yes that's all I will say.

I mean I'm heavily implying that she's a fucking moron and that dude is only with her cos she's hot, but I'd never actually say it.

[Anonymous No.6372325]

>>6372318
I appreciate the clarification

[Anonymous No.6372381]

>>6370032
Wow too bad they didn't slice your arteries as well so we wouldn't have to read about your idiocy.

[Anonymous No.6372814]

>making fried eggs
>add smoked paprika from a plastic container
>gently shake
>gently
>gently
>geeentttly
>huge piles comes out all at once
>blow on it to spread it over the eggs more evenly
>red powder all over stove

>making cookies
>new oven, new pans
>half stainless, half nonstick
>put in same length of time
>half of batch is burned
>eat my failures, give nonburned to guy I was dating

>>6369207
>>Qtgf mistakes tea spoons for table spoons and i have to try and enjoy this horribly salty bread shit she made

Are you me? My ex boyfriend did that once when he was helping me make dough for a pizza. It was a salty biscuit pizza, both salty and puffy crust.

>send him out for lettuce once day
>returned with cabbage

[Anonymous No.6372820]

>>6372814
>guy I was dating

Tits or gtfo

Or

>>>/lgbt/

[Anonymous No.6372827]

>long time ago, 14
>slicing a melon
>dad has shitty dull knives probably bought from dollar store
>nock in, bring down to slice melon in half
>handle separates from blade
>blade flies backwards
>impales in floor near my feet
>don't cut a melon for eight years after
>keep my knives sharp and don't buy anything made in china

[Anonymous No.6372848]

>>6372820

This isn't /b/, you fucking idiot. Lurk moar.

As for my worst kitchen disaster, the worst thing I've ever done is left a cheap plastic lid for tupperware ontop of a hot burner. The toxic black smoke nearly killed everyone in the house.

If I fuck up my food, I never serve it.

[Anonymous No.6373406]

>>6366572
I've done this before.
>Be 10
>Boil eggs in pot on stove
>10 year old attention span kicks in
>Go upstairs to surf the web
>Two hours later remember I'm hungry
>Go downstairs to make something
>Fuck

[Anonymous No.6373419]

>>6372820
Ur gay

[Anonymous No.6373451]

>>6370035
That looks intentional.

[Anonymous No.6373624]

>>6372270
no, he was telling that to the pasta guy and the sous, and then said he wanted to punch the sous in the face when the sous said that it was a shitty thing to ask during a busy service

[Anonymous No.6373648]

>>6372848
What's your point? All girls have to show tits on all boards you cuck.

>>6373419
No you.

[Anonymous No.6374332]

>new stove
>put on kettle
>walk away for 10 minutes
>it melts it


new stove boils water in 5 minutes or less gg
gosh darn you new stove, our new kettle flings a little water when you open the spout

[Anonymous No.6374357]

It didn't set the kitchen on fire, but...

>11 years old
>want to bake a cake for my mom's birthday, with my 9 year old sister
>get out a 70s book about microwave cooking and read the instructions
>my sister forgets how much sugar we needed, and for some reason i didn't go back to read the book and check
>eventually we agree to add half a cup
>in reality, we needed two cups
>after microwaving for 10 minutes, we succeed in making a fluffy, thoroughly cooked, disgustingly salty and bitter cake
>OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT
>put jelly on top of it to add some sweetness
>doesn't help
>too late to make another since our mom just came home
>she tries the cake and says she loves it, while we apologize over and over and over again

I am still weirdly proud of that cake.

[Anonymous No.6374569]

>>6372318
>>6372325
And the subtlety.

[Anonymous No.6374594]

>>6372277

She is pretty attractive, but she is quite smart. Just not in a cooking or chemistry sense. She's actually a really bad cook.

[Anonymous No.6374752]

Had one of those Velveeta microwave cups once and put that bitch right in without water because I'm stupid and didn't notice.

I don't know how long it took to realize something was wrong, but it still amazes me how the smoke totally filled my kitchen. Like, an absolutely thick fog of blinding and burning smoke.

The cup disintegrated in the microwave entirely and I was left with a black mass of macaroni. Microwave was fine tho

[Anonymous No.6376195]

>>6370035
Did you try to "An Hero", it almost looks like mine and i can tell you that it wasn't a cooking accident.

[Anonymous No.6376229]

>be me
>parents microwave left-over fish
>I'm playing vidya
>parents head out to do yardwork while they wait
>accidentally set microwave to 20 minutes instead of 20 seconds
>fish burns, melts tupperware
>house fills with fumes
>I don't notice because I have no sense of smell
>parents come back from yardwork, notice horrible smell
>immediately accuse me of shitting my pants

[Anonymous No.6376249]

>trying to impress girlfriend one night
>decide to cook us a big steak to share
>head up cast iron pan in oven to get it rocket hot, as i have a shitty glass stove top
>set oven to like 450F
>pan is hot as fuck
>spead a bit of canola oil on the steak
>take pan out of oven and drop steak on
>flames
>1.5 foot flames are jetting out of the pan
>girlfriend screams and runs out of kitchen
>autism is palpable
>the flames keep raging and now theres smoke
>tons of smoke i mean i couldnt see out of the kitchen
>fire alarm goes off
>roomate wakes up and runs into kitchen
>maximum panic mode
>im still standing in the kitchen holding the hot pan fiddling with the flaming steak
>flames finally die down but the smoke is still raging
>put pan in oven
>mfw the steak was still delicious

[Anonymous No.6376351]

>>6367307
iktfb

When I was in the third grade I decided against better judgment to cut around a salami the skin with a butcher knife. My hand obviously slipped and I ended up with the knife halfway into my index finger, tons of blood, turned blue then white after a while. I still have a scar where new skin grew over the curly festering bit, and can't really straighten it all the way.

[Anonymous No.6376403]

>>6369222
that's basically how I interpreted the picture. it's like a when you see it type thing
>>6369244
datfilename.jpg

[Anonymous No.6378228]

Happened a couple months ago.

>gonna make some drunken noodles!
>hmmm, i'd like some more vegetables in this
>search through fridge
>find some habaneros I bought on a whim
>"This would go great with Thai food"
>They're small, so I probably need to use all of them to get the spice I need
>cutting them, I avoid touching my eyes but after nibbling one my lips are tingling
>time to stir fry these little guys.
>add a bit of oil, bok choy, and the habaneros to the pan
>"Its Asian food, so it would be more authentic if I cook it on high heat really fast!"
Goddamn why am I so dumb
>Start coughing out of nowhere.
>Drink some water, does nothing
>realize I am cooughing because of the habanero smell
>everything is cooking way too hot, have to remove the smoke alarm from the next room
>finally get the veg off heat. Finish the noodles just fine.
>Wash my hands like I have never washed before to free myself of the habanero's sting
>sit down to eat
>eyes are watering, nose is running, but it burns so good. The spice goes well with the sweet sauce I made
>absent-mindedly wipe tears from my eye.
>The heat of a thousand angry Mayan gods assaults my eye
>put everything down and walk mostly calm to the kitchen, one eye closed
>I think washing my hands really well will work the 2nd time
>reach up with BOTH hands and rub eyes with water
>HOOKAH SHAKAH HOOKAH HOOKAH HOOKAH SHAKAH
>Both eyes are burning and I can't bear the pain even with them closed.
>stumble blindly to the bathroom
>start taking off my clothes and turn on the shower

It took me a half hour shower to open my eyes again.

[Anonymous No.6378238]

Hot oil splatter, this is the scar. Probably the worst I've done to myself in the kitchen.

[Anonymous No.6378243]

>>6378238
That's a very interesting story but can you post your feet please?

[Anonymous No.6378262]

>>6370285
>not just tasting the inconspicuous white granules
its not like its gonna be fuckin coke